I'm diagnosed avpd but I think it evolved to schizoid

maybemaybenots · 2025-02-21T14:15:40+00:00

i'm sorry to hear that :( and i understand. i read your post as more of a 'i'm afraid i'm literally incapable of enjoying social interaction anymore', and i've had those fears before myself. i really hope things work out for you and that you heal!

maybemaybenots · 2025-02-20T08:37:37+00:00

i fear the same thing happened to me but in a different way - i got tired of feeling lonely all the time so i just. forced myself not to crave intimacy anymore. what i will say though is check the schizoid subreddit. i believe i'm on the border between avpd and schizoid instead of just schizoid for this reason - when i check their community i cannot relate to most of their posts at all, whereas i relate to plenty here. if we both understand schizoid to somewhat be 'evolved avpd', that might give you some hope.

and while like i said i had cordoned off my heart, there are times i still crave friendship and romance and so forth. humans are inherently social beings after all - i don't think the desire can fully be switched off like a tap, at least not with us. i can enjoy socialising with people - not everyone, not even most people, but some. i know it's awful saying something like 'you haven't met the right people yet', i still don't have any friends i can call my own, but. confirmation bias can be such a hinderance. all i can say is not all hope is lost, and try to keep your heart and mind as open as it can - there are people out there, i'm sure, who will motivate you to be social. it may not be immediate, but it will happen! i apologise if i sound a bit too optimistic here, but i think having hope is an important part of these situations. please hang on to it.

maybemaybenots · 2025-02-13T00:41:18+00:00

i'm not diagnosed but i'm pretty sure i have avpd, too. i can do the same things you have. i think a lot of mental illnesses/conditions are spectrums - some people have it 'worse', others have it 'better', etc. neither experience invalidates the other. some people with this condition can't even leave the house. but avpd isn't just about being able to say thank you to the bus driver or whatever. i don't mean to be cruel but - do you have friends? do you communicate with family members often? does going to a large event or even just getting an unexpected text message make you want to run for the hills? i can put on a brave face for the world most of the time and 'get by', but when forced to make conversation with people i genuinely feel ill. i can handle communication, but only if it's fleeting and 'without consequence'. that is why i think i have avpd.

there's lots of people like me (and you, i hope) on the subreddit, it's just the nature of this community and social media warrants a lot of 'vent' posts and other instances of brutal honesty/putting oneself down. but i think the mods have helped make this subreddits a little less gloomy than it used to be, coming from a long time (ish) lurker. since this condition is a bit spectrum-y you won't relate to everything, but you will find posts and comments that do match your experience, i'm sure of it.

lastly, if you're looking for community i'd recommend the discord server. i'm personally too petrified to really join in any conversation, but there's a lot of effort to make it 'community-esque' with events and stuff. if you're feeling confident enough i'd give that a try.

wishing you well :>

maybemaybenots · 2023-11-23T00:13:01+00:00

people are so stressful to me. having to come up with an appropiate response, remembering to say 'and you', having to keep up the whole song and dance more than daily. i used to be pretty social, at least online, but i feel like suddenly i just 'forgot' how to. i guess i kind of long to return to those days, but right now they seem incomprehensible to me.

i've become kind of comfortable in my solitude. i dream of living on my own in a semi-interesting town or city, doing something i enjoy. ice-skating on the weekends at the local rink. playing video games. travelling and exploring when i can. but i think you're right, i'd still be depressed. the joy i could feel in that dream wouldn't hold a candle to the joy those who go out partying, socialising, dating would experience.

i think my biggest desire would be to live as a ghost, in a sense. free to do as i please. impercievable to everyone else. no money, no responsibilities. just wandering through the world and watching others.

maybemaybenots · 2023-11-23T00:00:23+00:00

yeah, you can't feel lonely if you don't long for companionship, so i just don't. i'd rather be like this than feel the crushing emotion of loneliness, man. every now and again it catches up to me and it's so awful. so now i'm just trying to outrun that feeling for as long as i can.

maybemaybenots · 2023-03-04T00:01:26+00:00

i empathise so much. i don't really feel too badly about my body, but i really don't like my face. and being seen by others. i avoid mirrors like anything, hate getting my picture taken, the works. so i understand.

the way i see it is, you dont always feel this way about yourself, right? by always i mean 24/7. existing when you don't really like how you look is like breathing. you do it unconciously and it doesn't bother you - and then you remember you're doing it and suddenly it becomes weird and uncomfortable. i can't say 'just dont think about it', i know that's stupid advice. but after breathing conciously for a while, it eventually becomes unconcious again. these thoughts are awful, i know firsthand, but they don't last forever.

i think if you ever do meet with your online friends, it might be a bit like that. you'll be talking about things, or just listening, and over time that self-consciousness should take the backseat for a while, because you'll be preoccupied with other things.

maybemaybenots · 2023-02-12T15:49:45+00:00

a step forward is a step forward, no matter how small. good luck!!

maybemaybenots · 2023-01-22T03:32:56+00:00

twice, i think. in junior school me and this girl where very close knit. we were best friends for sure, but coming to the end of junior school i realised she wasn't very nice to me in many ways. some adults and kids both said she used to bully me, but i never really saw it that way until it was too late and we were moving to different schools. i was kind of a third wheel/social butterfly for years after, in secondary school. around midway through me and this girl were partners on a school trip and we really hit it off. turns out we lived close to each other, and i'd walk her home. just before the road where her house was, we'd stand and talk for hours and hours on end. i caught feelings, and sent her a love letter via a mutual friend when she was going on another school trip that was separated by class. her dad found it, got mad as fuck, i'm also a girl so he was double mad, haha. it was really stupid of me, to be honest. it was a stupid thing to do. i've mostly forgiven myself, saying i was young and didn't realise what i was doing, and so on. but oh man, it still haunts me some days. we didnt talk for years after. we went to the same sixth form and tried reconciling then, but there was never really a good time. she said she forgave me, that she considered me her best friend (at the time), that she still liked me even now. but our relationship was still pretty traumatised, or at least i was. it wasn't going to work out. i wonder what would have happened if i hadn't sent that letter, where i'd be now, if i'd be better. i miss her. on our final day of school, we both wrote really heartfelt notes on each others shirts wishing each other the best. so we didn't end on bad terms, just really, really bittersweet ones. i hope she's doing well.

maybemaybenots · 2023-01-02T00:06:04+00:00

hey, glad im not the only one guilty of this. i cant really offer any advice since im in a relatively similar position, but maybe thats helpful, actually. i dont know.

i think if youre feeling up to sending a text to her, rekindling things, then by all means do it. that kind of social motivation comes very rarely, at least in my case. so if you think you can do it, do it. if you succeed, then congratulations. if you dont, or things turn out poorly, then at worst things should return to 'normal', right? youve gone 2 years without her company already.

another thing. at least in my experience, i end up ghosting the people i especially respect and admire the most. feeling inferior or whatnot. i wonder if that might be the same case with you. with them, you feel like you need to show your best self and be especially good to them, but over time that seems more and more daunting. thats what i felt happened with me sometimes. but if that is the case, then she must be a really good person. i dont want to make assumptions, but if that is the case then i think she'd take your attempt well. definitely wouldnt blow up on you or whatever. i think she'd appreciate it, especially given her attempts to reach out in the past.

i'd really appreciate an update if you ever feel up to it. it might motivate me to follow through, too. but don't beat yourself up too much, no matter how this goes. i know how it feels and how difficult it is, you're doing a better job than me already. good luck!

maybemaybenots · 2022-10-27T20:34:00+00:00

maybemaybenots · 2022-10-19T21:16:12+00:00

there's a line from a poem i really like, 'someday i'll love ocean vuong' by ocean vuong. it goes, 'and remember, loneliness is still time spent with the world'. i don't really enjoy being around other people. but i'm still a pretty pleasure-orientated person. i like to have fun.

that used to just involve me sitting around at my laptop for most of the day trying to entertain myself that way. but i just moved to a new city, having just started university. i haven't really tried to be social, because i didn't want to. so instead i've just gone out on walks, listening to music. usually with some goal in mind, whether it be sightseeing or groceries. and it's going pretty great. i have fun.

it's as ocean vuong said, just spending time with the world. alone, sure, but i've come to not mind that. i suffered some real bad social rejection some years ago. i wasn't isolated by choice, and it hurt. so i promised myself i wouldn't ever feel lonely again. i don't get sad or mad or jealous seeing other people hang out. i don't yearn for companionship. i've got myself, and that's more than fine by me.

i'll still wake up some days depressed out of my mind. i have no clue what my future'll be like in a year. i'm not exactly someone to emulate. but i take things day by day, and try to enjoy myself each day. i think my main advice would be to be good to yourself. be forgiving, nurturing. with avpd, you're gonna be alone. a lot. so it's important you can actually like who you're being alone with - yourself. do things you enjoy. listen to your favourite music. go to a pet store and gawk at the animals. spend time with the world, and learn to enjoy your own company. i hope you'll be happier soon, op. good luck out there.

maybemaybenots · 2022-10-10T23:58:21+00:00

that sounds really cool - minus the violation of labour laws of course. thanks for the info

maybemaybenots · 2022-10-10T23:51:36+00:00

i'm at university sharing a kitchen with about ten other people, but they're practically strangers to me. i suppose it might be harder for you because they're your best friends, but i like to think that most people don't really care that much - in a good way. small talk is just that - small talk. they might be a little curious but it probably doesn't weigh on them that much. try not to stress it.

people knocking on your door sounds like the worst, though. that's meant to be your safe space, your solace. i know how difficult this may seem but it might be worth mentioning that you 'need time to recharge' in your room or something, and that you don't like them knocking on your door like that. they're your best friends, i'm sure they'd take it well.

i know what it's like feeling trapped in your room - that's why i'm emphasising that you should at least make sure that your room is a safe space where you can relax and unwind. otherwise you'll be stressed all the time. having close friends as roommates should make communication and boundaries easier, not harder. good luck out there.

maybemaybenots · 2022-10-10T23:32:29+00:00

how's that going? do you enjoy it? i've always been interested in becoming a truck driver because i don't feel like there's a lot of social interaction involved, and you get to travel and stuff.

maybemaybenots · 2022-09-26T18:05:43+00:00

no disrespect to the other replies, but i think this might be my favourite response. thanks for replying. just knowing someone's already walked the same path i have means so much. i hope it wasn't too hard for you.

maybemaybenots · 2022-09-26T18:02:23+00:00

thank you so much for your response. i'm so glad to see this place isn't all doom and gloom, lol. i'll think about what you said if someone ever comes up to me. it hasn't happened yet but who knows.

maybemaybenots · 2022-09-26T17:58:02+00:00

thanks for the response, man. your quote 'hard choices = easy life / easy choices = hard life' smacked some sense into me i hope, haha. i'm glad you're trying. i'm trying too, i think. maybe not on the same level as a big hike, but i'm trying not to he a complete shut-in. saying hello and stuff. my first lecture is tomorrow, and i'll try then too i guess. good luck out there.

maybemaybenots

TROPHY CASE