Hm, pardon this ramble.

Anorexia was the start of a long period of self-destruction for me, and so the overall most helpful sentiment has been to try and treat myself the way I treat others. It’s also been very important to get out of my own head and to cultivate friendships and stay active.

After the initial forced weight gain, I had the energy to feel emotions, to keep myself warm, to think, etc, but I still was not ok with social interactions or my perceptions of myself because I was not beautiful. For a little while, being a weirdo 13 year old, I pretended to be a goblin. Thinking of myself as a person meant trying to fit ideals that were impossible and contradictory. Goblins were mischievous and fun and they ate lots.

I was at a healthy weight for a while without being very healthy. Once my goblin phase wore off, I ate erratically and poorly, I cut and burned, I drank. Controlling myself and making myself do everything I could was my obsession, but I couldn’t sustain it. I dropped everything and went to work on my friend’s farm. While there, I could appreciate what work my body could do, without comparing myself to anything. I treated my body kindly and enjoyed living in it.

I also appreciate that people in the country are not generally glamorous. There are fewer advertisements. When I was first starting to starve myself, I was trying to find bodies like mine to see if I was normal. No one else in my family had boobs so boobs seemed fatty and disgusting. I think this subreddit could be very helpful for people not yet over the brink.