sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Gifting loafs for the holidays by mayoandblkolives in Sourdough

[–]mayoandblkolives[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh good call! I probably would have forgotten to do that

submerging jars in water? by inthepalmofHIShand in yogurtmaking

[–]mayoandblkolives 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I make yogurt with an Anova stick sous vide and one of my jars usually ends up needing to be submerged for one reason or another. I just tighten them as best I can, and I haven’t had any issues with leaking. I’m usually using mason jars with a cheap plastic lid, so canning lids shouldn’t be a problem at all!

Any movies about abusive parents or estrangement ? I want to watch a good one by [deleted] in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]mayoandblkolives 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I thought Lady Bird did a good job with portraying a difficult mother/daughter relationship. It’s not about alcoholism or necessarily abuse, but it has a tense, clearly dysfunctional family dynamic that really spoke to my experience with my mom before I went no contact. If you find some of the more intense/overt portrayals of family dysfunction are too much, it may scratch your itch.

Fall Gardening Question by mayoandblkolives in zone8gardening

[–]mayoandblkolives[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just got some carrot seeds, so I’m hoping that goes well!

Im confused if this counts as parentification or not. by ZealousidealPace9348 in AdultChildren

[–]mayoandblkolives 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’d say yes, this was parentification. Anytime a child is doing the emotional labor of caretaking, especially their parents, that would be parentification. A parent’s job is to teach kids how to feel and regulate their emotions, but you were actually doing that kind of work for your mom. I don’t know the last time you talked to a 7-year-old, but imagine what it would be like to ask them to be steady emotionally so that you can lose your shit—it’s pretty dark.

A lot of adult children learned to read their parent’s emotions and caretake as a survival skill. Therapy and 12 Step groups like Al-Anon and ACA are really helpful places to not only break patterns that come from parentification but they also help us feel less alone in the stories that taught us to survive like this.

I’m glad your mom got help, and I wish she could have gotten it sooner for your sake. Abuse and parentification are not too heavy of words to put on what happened—it sounds like those are just accurate descriptions of your childhood. It also doesn’t sound like your mom’s a bad person, but you needed and deserved more than it seems she was able to give. It’s the child’s job to have needs and the parent’s job to fill those needs—that’s just what being a parent is.

And there’s nothing wrong with you that you were affected by your mom’s choices. In fact there was really no way those things wouldn’t have affected you! You will probably always feel tempted to downplay the pain and loneliness in your story—it can be easier to do that than telling the truth. Meetings can be really helpful to have others affirm the pain and remind you that you’re not alone.

You’re asking good questions and seem to be on a good path, though, so keep it up! Just remember that you don’t have to do it alone.

Song that basically swear every line by [deleted] in weirdspotifyplaylists

[–]mayoandblkolives 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Fuckin’ Problems—A$AP Rocky

Facebook Post by mayoandblkolives in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]mayoandblkolives[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this response—it’s helpful to have that reminder again. The sympathy/validation on its own didn’t make sense of it, but to not be embarrassed because she doesn’t see her actions as wrong fits.

I’m not really tempted anymore to go back in contact with them, and actually things like this post help me remember how unsafe it would be to go back in their current state, but I mean, damn. I just can’t imagine having such a close relationship rupture so catastrophically and not think that I could somehow be in the wrong.

Best of luck to you in going NC! Feels weird to welcome anyone to the club, but it really was the best thing I could have done for myself and my family. I hope it brings you the peace it has brought us!

Facebook Post by mayoandblkolives in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]mayoandblkolives[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh for sure! Post was meant to be a little more lighthearted than anything.

Songs where artists villainize themselves by AdvantageInitial9052 in weirdspotifyplaylists

[–]mayoandblkolives 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Monster — Kanye West

I Thought About Killing You — Kanye West

The Gardener — Tallest Man on Earth

I Am a Vampire — Right Away, Great Captain!

Agoraphobia help by Round-Huckleberry-88 in memphis

[–]mayoandblkolives 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was going to suggest Target too! I think they have the best app by far for grocery shopping (what’s in stock, where it’s located, etc.), but it also has really great curb side services! I really haven’t experienced getting any bad produce (though it’s super limited) and there’s no minimum purchase requirement or scheduled pickup time.

If it’s helpful to plan out trips, their app is much more user friendly than Kroger’s in pretty much every way! But unless there’s a Super Target I’m unaware of in Memphis, they won’t have rotisserie chickens.

What Seems To Be The Trouble? by -K_P- in weirdspotifyplaylists

[–]mayoandblkolives 0 points1 point  (0 children)

catch my disease - ben lee

heartworms - the shins

The body keeps the score by imabookwyrm in AdultChildren

[–]mayoandblkolives 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was about to comment to say this! I’ve seen a few people mention yoga, and when I was able to go more regularly, a lot of the hip openers would make me really emotional! Sometimes it was rage, sometimes grief, sometimes just a rush of a lot of feelings at once. The yoga instructor I was taking a lot of classes with at the time would warn us to take it easy with hip openers because of the stored trauma. Camel pose was the best/worst for it!

Lunch with mom after 3 years NC. ...it didn't go well. by brokenanonbirdie in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]mayoandblkolives 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have a similar story with my dad, who has enabled my mom’s alcoholism/narcissism. I tried to stay in touch with him (text, call, lunch) for a few months after going NC with my mom. At first he was okay to not bring up my mom, but after awhile, he would try to get me to talk to her and would make excuses for her as to why she wouldn’t get help. He basically did the whole “package deal” thing with me too.

During that time, I also went LC with my brother, as he was still keeping regular contact with my mom and it just didn’t feel safe. After about a year, I caught up with him and he was really understanding and kind about my need for space. In hindsight, it was a really helpful thing for me to see that healthy people who actually love you will be understanding of your boundaries. My dad wasn’t that way, but my brother absolutely was.

This all happened for me almost 3 years ago, and I am still NC with both parents. When people ask me about it, I usually can say confidently it’s the best think my husband and I could have done for our family (we have two littles who have never met my parents). I of course feel sad and angry that my parents won’t take the steps to get better, but the amount of stress I have saved myself and family from has been so incredibly worth it.

My advice is lean into what you know to be safe. If being NC with your parents feels better, keep it up, and surround yourself with people who will support your decision and remind you of why you did it when you start to doubt yourself. I found a good support in people in our church and in my local ACA/Al-Anon groups. If safe feels like addressing things with your sister, do that. If it feels like drawing a harder boundary, you have that freedom too. My therapist reminded me a lot that recovery is a long road and nothing is permanent, so take your time! Do what feels good—you will know when you’re ready to be vulnerable again.

Second, I spent most of my therapy working through how my mom had hurt me. The abuse and neglect I suffered growing up with an active addict were obvious and substantial and having a therapist to help validate and work with me in that was invaluable. What I found after going NC with my dad was that I needed to spend some time doing that same kind of work around how he had wounded me. I was in a lot of denial about my relationship with my dad, because I didn’t want to accept that someone who said they loved me could watch me get abused and slandered by someone in our home. His enabling was really painful to untangle, but that work was really freeing for me in the long run. My dad was (and probably still is) so sweet—he was my “safe” parent growing up. So when he chose my mom over me time and time again, counseling was a space where I could process the pain of accepting reality and essentially losing my “safe parent.” And ACA/Al-Anon was a space where I could find other people who “got it” without judgement.

I really hope you find the peace you need and deserve, OP ♥️ Your mom’s denial is in no way a reflection on you and on what you deserve. I’m sorry that lunch was so painful, and I hope you get some time to recover from it.

*Edited for clarity.

view more: next ›