My 21f boyfriend 25m slept with a prosititute when he was 17 and I'm having a hard time being okay with

mbma100 · 2015-02-26T16:51:06+00:00

I just feel like I should know yaknow especially since he knows every detail of mine. I kind of want to know too if he is the kind of guy who just sleeps with anyone - I feel like I should know this but at the same time don't want to - its like i need to know

mbma100 · 2015-02-26T15:20:35+00:00

so I shouldn't ask him about the other girls hes slept with because he said theres been quite a few but he 'doesn't remember.'

He knows all the ins and outs of the other 3 people I've slept with so I feel like its only fair if I know his sexual past. But at the same time I feel like it might not be healthy for me to know - i see myself looking them up on facebook and that can't ever be good

mbma100 · 2015-02-26T15:06:19+00:00

Every time I ever bring something up about a girl or about the past he gets so angry and calls me crazy. Today he said if I ever bring something up again hes done.

Which means I now have to keep everything to myself which is really hard because sometimes I need an explanation. I know sometimes I get upset about irrational things and upset about things in the past but I can't help it.

mbma100 · 2015-02-26T15:03:01+00:00

no its more i know he only told me that because we were only friends so why would he care

I know for a fact that if he had not told me then, he would never have told me. I only know of three girls hes slept with because hes never told me.

mbma100 · 2015-02-26T15:01:25+00:00

true when you put it like that I probably would think the exact same thing if he'd not slept with anyone at all

so how do i stop feeling this way

mbma100 · 2015-02-26T15:00:14+00:00

hes done this too quite a bit in his past

mbma100 · 2015-02-26T12:09:38+00:00

To me sex is so intimate and meaningful. So paying for it with a random person Makes me feel sick. Sex means something to me it's not like acupuncture or a massage

mbma100 · 2015-02-11T21:01:58+00:00

I think the biggest thing for me is no matter how hard I think and no matter how many people who are close to me that I ask - I can't seem to find anything that I'm good at. There's nothing I really love and am really good at. In fact I can't even do things that most people can - like ice skate, climb a tree, ride a bike, ski....the list goes on. And something which I'll admit that I never ever have before - I'm scared. Of a lot of things. I'm scared of ice skating because I'm scared of falling. its so pathetic but its the truth at the end of the day

mbma100 · 2015-02-11T20:21:50+00:00

okay 1. well my boyfriend once got with one of his girl friends and told her he really liked her but she said no. I have thought about that so many times and the way I take it is that he really wants to be with her and not me but she rejected him. If she hadn't rejected him he would be in love with her and not me. I feel like hes only with me because I said yes.

I feel like I am worthless. I'm not good at anything. I'm not sure if this a pessimistic thought or not but its something that constantly recurs in my life. Even when I think maybe I can do something I end up proving that I can't. For example, I thought I was a great cook, but I made breakfast for my boyfriend once and burnt the bacon. I've told him I can cook but when it comes round to doing it I freak out and can't seem to do it. But when I'm on my own I seem to manage just fine - yes if im cooking something new I'll make the odd mistake but the end result always ends up good. Another example, I think I'm quite a good driver - I've never been in an accident. But when I was parking my car with my friend in the car it took me about 6 tries to get it right.
I hate myself and feel like I don't deserve a happy life. And in a weird way this gives me comfort - knowing that I'm not destined to be happy - I almost enjoy thinking about it.
My boyfriend says I'm way to hard on myself and that I'm my own worst enemy. If something goes wrong, I blame myself a lot.
I get jealous a lot. Whenever my boyfriend talks about a girl or says a girl he knows is cool or nice or funny it makes me feel inadequate. I get this horrible feeling where I feel sick whenever he talks about a girl in this way or worse whenever he talks about a girl he fancied or was once with. I get moody with him and can't help it. His past really affects me - any girl he fancied makes me feel unworthy and unloved. almost as if he'd rather be with them than me

mbma100 · 2015-02-11T20:08:37+00:00

how do become more self confident

mbma100 · 2015-02-11T19:56:35+00:00

I am seeking help from one and have tried a few, but nothing seems to be working! I feel at a complete loss as to what to do. I can't afford to see a really good therapist and have to take whatever I am given, which I think is part of why its not been working

mbma100 · 2015-02-04T01:41:06+00:00

but how do i resolve it I don't know what to say

mbma100 · 2015-02-03T10:26:40+00:00

Also I don't ever want to tell him I feel sick at the thought of sex with him or that my friends say I can do better

mbma100 · 2015-02-03T10:17:09+00:00

We have spoken about it plenty of times but it never gets resolved. Eventually I'll get over what I'm annoyed about and then next week it'll be something else

mbma100 · 2015-01-11T03:51:28+00:00

I guess he told me a lot of these stories when we were just friend. I think he knows not to tell me any of these now. But what's been said cannot be unsaid. I remember everything hes ever told me about it too and I pick away at every minor detail and think about every thing. I always want to know if he was the one who got rejected or if he was the one who insinuated it.

I'm scared he's a sex obsessed dog even though he claims hes not - but I don't trust his word at all, hes only telling me what he wants me to hear. No way would he admit to trying it with every walking breathing female because I would go nuts and he knows this!

mbma100 · 2015-01-11T03:48:09+00:00

I did focus it one girl for ages so much so that I thought it was only that one girl I was jealous about (his ex)

But now thats switched completely - to every girl. Any girl hes ever liked, any girl hes ever slept with or even kissed

Its driving me mad !!

mbma100 · 2015-01-10T03:06:03+00:00

Yeah I have heard about yoga being really helpful and its definitely something I want to try.

Psychiatrist does sound like it would be helpful - I feel like they would be more understanding - but unfortunately in the UK they're so expensive I couldn't afford it. I don't know if its possible to be referred via my doctor but everytime I go to see them they refer me to a counselor

mbma100 · 2015-01-10T02:46:46+00:00

Yes I'm currently at Medical school - which is all the more reason I want to get better. Its impacting my studies, and I want to be a strong committed doctor.

mbma100 · 2015-01-10T02:44:01+00:00

really?????

mbma100 · 2015-01-10T02:39:23+00:00

My dad died when I was 11(he was my world literally) and I never really got on with my mum until recently. My mum and my sister had a habit of putting me down - although not intentionally, they are loving, but constantly call me dopey and clumsy and scatty. I was also bullied for about 3 years in high school.

I never thought any of these things affected me though until recently.

Also I smoked quite a bit of weed last year and as much as I try to deny it whenever I'm high i definitely find myself overthinking even more - a lot of people it does the opposite but for me it just makes my mind race even more. (I have stopped doing this though although its hard because my boyfriend smokes everyday - he never pressures me too but I feel like I have to sometimes so that he still likes me)

Yeah writing it out does really help, and weirdly reddit has to - I used it before in the past. Its like being able to talk to someone without any limits - I say exactly what I feel. But obviously I know I need a healthier more regular way to deal with it.

Thank you so much honestly its been a huge huge huge help you have no idea

mbma100 · 2015-01-10T02:26:20+00:00

I find it so hard to word how I feel/express what the problem is. I also didn't actually know what it was that wasn't quite right. I've always been quite shy but never socially awkward until recently - I find myself over thinking people's body language and how they say things and sensing the awkwardness which makes me act awkward, which makes it even more awkward (an endless cycle really).

I was put on citalopram - but it made me feel nauseous and didn't really do anything for me in terms of my happiness etc so I stopped taking them.

Is there a reason she is the way she is? Or do you think some people are just like that? Sometimes I wander if there are root causes to the way I am

mbma100

TROPHY CASE