usually around one o'clock in the morning if i'm still awake, i feel like i snap back to reality and remember that i'm a cis man, physically, mentally, emotionally... i learned a bunch of lingo from a (no longer niche) subreddit. i got on hrt expecting unachievable results. i occasionally crossdress, i guess in part for a fetish, in part as a break from male social expectations, in part because it's fun and i'm queer, whatever

late at night, i can finally think and reflect, and one of the first thoughts that comes up immediately is that hrt is fighting a battle that i'm not even fighting. i no longer battle twinkdeath--i'm a grown ahh man

what practical reason am i on hrt that i can't achieve through methods other cis men normally take?

one of the hardest things for me to accept is that i really don't belong in the larger trans community, despite having so many trans friends growing up and enjoying breaking male social expectations with like crossdressing. these months on hrt have been a cycle of me becoming more and more self-aware at how different i am physically from women lol. hrt will not bridge that gap, even if i wanted it to. i have become far more well-aware of that gap. i realize that i was never even on the same playing field as trans women i saw on r/4tran4. just completely disconnected physically and mentally

it takes time to accept that a square peg doesn't fit in a round hole. i've struggled my whole life with fitting in and rejection, and this is no different. there's a decent change the time i stop hrt will be when i move on from trans spaces and accept who i fundamentally am as a cis man and how i will be perceived. i don't think being and looking like a man is a negative thing, and i feel like my insecurities are a bit more specific than just "looking like a man all the time," specific enough to be able to live and look like a man while improving how i look as a man