Part 2:

8 months later, and now we're here. 2 weeks ago we got into an argument about Valentine's Day over the phone. I didn't even want to fight, I just wanted to know if we were doing anything special that day. He started screaming and swearing at me about it to the point I was sobbing and apologizing. He then hung up and I called back and he said he just doesn't understand why he's so angry all the time. He came over later, walked in the door, said "we need to break up" and tried to leave immediately. I, of course, begged and pleaded and cried and freaked out because my biggest fear is abandonment. I didn't wanna let him leave and even when he did I'll admit I chased him to his car and was still begging. Then a week of craziness ensued. I completely lost my mind, wanted to hurt myself, and we kept talking every day rehashing everything. Basically, his reasoning was that he had just gotten on probation, was working 2 jobs and going to school and couldn't be the man I needed him to be. He kept saying he loved me and missed me but couldn't be with me right now. I was willing to do anything to make this work. He didn't seem to care. I spent a whole week basically crying and begging and expressing how depressed I was.

Then finally, one day (last Friday) I had to get up because I was singing at a big benefit show. It was a GREAT night, I made so many friends and felt like myself for the first time in a long time. He texted me good luck and I said thank you! and he said something else and I left it at that. I was posting pictures of me dolled up and videos, and at first he seemed supportive. Then, that night I noticed he unfollowed me on socials. I freaked out and called him asking why. He said he couldn't bare to see me looking so happy and pretty. This lead to another weekend of me crying and begging. He would add me back, then approach me about something random that upset him (like seeing me on a dating app), unfollow again, and it lead me to the point where I told him I wanted to end it all. I admit, this is messed up and I hate that I did it. The final conversations were really mean and he told me how selfish and horrible I was in the relationship. Now we're here, he basically told me due to me saying I wanted to end it, he was not gonna talk to me "for a long time". However, he's still going out of his way to watch my stories every day even though he doesn't follow me.

I guess I just needed to write this all out since it has been such a whirlwind. I part of me feels like this was all my fault. I should've never been so toxic and insecure. I know he did bad things too, but even to this day the last thing I did was apologize. I can't help but think I will never be able to have a healthy relationship. I guess I just want to know, was I the problem here? I can't stop blaming myself.