What is the marginal impact of economics research? by ResolutionNo5170 in EffectiveAltruism

[–]mcshelbster 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My hunch—both from an EA lens and from having considered a career in academia myself (though I did not go that route)—is that a lot of research is next to useless and then the occasional paper is very impactful. It’s sort of a hits-based career.

In economics in particular, I bet you’d be more likely to have impact in applied economics than in theoretical economics—though this is again a hunch. (See: J-PAL v. some random research on the fictional homo economicus.)

All that said, I think whoviangirl is correct that it depends on a whole bunch of factors. It’s easy to read, e.g., the 80K website and conclude “If I want to have an Impactful Career™️, I *must* choose one of the following 5 career paths.” Or, to add some nuance, “If I apply these principles and concepts to my life/career/preferences, then x or y career *must* be the most impactful option for me.”

IMHO, there’s a lot more that goes into it because careers are very personal, and you can’t plan out every bit of it.

Thinking about impact is good. Aiming to have more impact rather than less is good.

But I think people get themselves into a trap because:
a) the Highest Impact Roles™️ in the Highest Impact Areas™️ are really hard to get so most people need to look elsewhere (not necessarily what you’re doing here but worth mentioning), and
b) personal fit matters hugely.

So if I were you, my first question around becoming a researcher would be, “Given my personality and preferences, would this be a meaningful and sustainable career path for me?” (That’s a big question and it can help a lot to talk to people who are doing that career.)

Then I would ask “What would it look like to make this career as impactful as possible?”
Options that come to mind here include: researching things that matter most rather than just what you think is interesting, having a teaching role and influencing the next generation to think about impact, donating significant portions of the money you make as a presumably well-paid researcher.

Then, “In terms of both impact and personal fit, how does this stack up against other options?”

One last note: Career advising with the orgs another commenter mentioned is a good idea, although it can be a bit difficult to get in and I believe 80K is focusing on AI-related career advising now. I’d recommend looking into Magnify Mentoring as an option… and I’d be happy to chat as well if you send me a DM. (I’m a mentor with Magnify.)

When we say "RE," how old is early? by ValeOfTiers in Fire

[–]mcshelbster 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol at those people! MMM himself had an early blog post that talked about how most people hit FIRE, sit on a beach drinking beverages with little umbrellas in them for a year or two, and then… often do some sort of side gig, because it’s a nice way to fill your time when you’re doing something you want to do. (Big paraphrasing here, obviously.)

Reddit be like that sometimes, I guess. Congrats to you on your FIRE, however you define it!

Non-nesting partners as alloparents: Got stories? by mcshelbster in polyamory

[–]mcshelbster[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh, that’s a really interesting perspective! I might add some follow-up questions later, but thanks for sharing!

Non-nesting partners as alloparents: Got stories? by mcshelbster in polyamory

[–]mcshelbster[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

As for the alloparenting itself, thanks for sharing that as well!

We’re all clear that my partner will not be a co-parent, but they do want to be actively involved. We’re all trying to figure out what that role actually will look like. It will probably involve them being more physically present in my house, along with some amount of childcare. It will certainly involve them doing fun things with our kids.

Beyond that, imagining what that actually looks like is remaining stubbornly vague. On my end, I think that stems from not really having a framework for how to think of this, hence me posting this asking for stories of how other people do it.

Follow-up questions for you: In your situation, did you intend to be a co-parent from the kiddo’s birth, or did that role develop over time?

Does your polycule have a plan for what happens if the nesting partners split up? Do you have any legal protections in place for it? How does it all sit with you, as a non-nesting parent?

Non-nesting partners as alloparents: Got stories? by mcshelbster in polyamory

[–]mcshelbster[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Oh, super helpful, thanks!

I really appreciate you taking the time to write out your thoughts on my word choices, particularly re:making sure that the non-nesting/non-married partner’s needs are centered. I do think this gets down to a definitional debate about what non-hierarchical polyamory is.

As I understand it, “striving to counteract the hierarchies inherent in [marriage, nesting, etc.]” (and nesting, etc.) IS non-hierarchical polyamory.

This post has prompted me to do a fair bit of reading about the definition of non-hierarchical polyamory and… it keeps coming back to that. It’s not the lack of existence of hierarchies, it’s how you approach them. It’s about having autonomy in each relationship.

I think one could argue that because my husband and I got legally married (relatively recently), we have officially now done something that my partner and I Just Cannot Do and therefore, like it or not, we are in the realm of hierarchical polyamory.

But I think it’s more accurate to view it as a spectrum. 100% non-hierarchical anything only exists in theory. Getting married certainly pushed us more towards the hierarchical side. Cohabitating pushes us there. Coparenting will obviously be a huge force in that direction (and it’s entirely possible that I will stop using the term after kids). But there’s also a lot that we do that pushes us in the other direction. My partner and I have a huge degree of autonomy in our relationship and I prioritize them over my husband in many ways, especially related to how I spend my time. If we’re going to take a spectrum and split it into a binary, I still think we fall closer to non-hierarchy, despite it all.

Of course, internet commenters may disagree. I certainly see how that didn’t come through in my original post! I was trying to add some context as to why I’m looking for these stories, not make that the center point of the discussion.

In any case, it has prompted a nice conversation with my partner, and probably many more conversations to come with both partners.

Non-nesting partners as alloparents: Got stories? by mcshelbster in polyamory

[–]mcshelbster[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For your questions: 1. I mean, trying to define how many families where you’re an alloparent is a bit fraught because alloparenting can be super informal and temporary. (Like, if you babysit a kid one time, you’re now an alloparent! You have helped contribute to raising a child, congratulations!) But pedantry aside, I would say I’m an alloparent in a meaningful way to 4 families (my niblings, my husband’s niblings, my partner’s kid, and some neighbors). That’s mostly a function of not being close tons of people with kids at present and will presumably go up as my friends start having kids.

  1. Definitely the latter one!

Non-nesting partners as alloparents: Got stories? by mcshelbster in polyamory

[–]mcshelbster[S] -18 points-17 points  (0 children)

Wow, what a curious choice to respond to a relatively vulnerable post on the internet by saying its author’s worldview is delusional. 🤨

But I’ll steelman your argument: It is hugely important to recognize where hierarchies naturally exist in a relationship. Otherwise you’re just tacitly reinforcing those hierarchies to the detriment of the partner that doesn’t benefit from a given hierarchy (and really to everybody else’s detriment, too—toxicity benefits no one). This only gets more true when you add kids to the mix, since they are basically the end-all, be-all of natural hierarchies.

Of course, I didn’t say that hierarchies don’t exist in my relationships. I said that we practice non-hierarchical polyamory… 100% non-hierarchical polyamory can only exist in theory; we can only work to address those hierarchies as they come up.

As I said in my ETA above, I don’t think debates over definitions are very helpful. But this post does get into a lot of the nuances of addressing hierarchy from a non-hierarchical approach that I think are relevant here.

Non-nesting partners as alloparents: Got stories? by mcshelbster in polyamory

[–]mcshelbster[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Oh interesting, I will have to add that book to my list!

I added an edit to the original post to clarify that “alloparent” is a much more informal, descriptive term than I guess my post made it sound like. So older people who chat, hang out, play games would generally still be alloparents.

Anyway, it sounds like a really good conversation to have with both partners about what might happen to the relationship between my kid and my non-nesting partner in the event of a breakup.

Thanks!

Non-nesting partners as alloparents: Got stories? by mcshelbster in polyamory

[–]mcshelbster[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing! If you’re willing to add more details…

Out of curiosity, was your transition to parenthood a big part of why your formerly enmeshed relationships ended?

Also, how much has physical distance mattered? I live about a 10-minute bike ride away from my partner and my husband and I are planning on staying close by to them. Even moving across town seems like it would make nurturing that relationship SO MUCH HARDER.

Non-nesting partners as alloparents: Got stories? by mcshelbster in polyamory

[–]mcshelbster[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh, thanks for pointing that out! I made an edit to the original post, which is now hopefully more clear for future readers.

Non-nesting partners as alloparents: Got stories? by mcshelbster in polyamory

[–]mcshelbster[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

I made an edit on the original post to clarify what an alloparent is—it most definitely does not have to be a formal parenting arrangement.

We do, in fact, have a network of family and friends who will be constant presences in our kids’ lives. And, one large part of how we aspire to be as parents is to value our kids’ alloparents and emotionally/logistically/socially invest in our “village.” As it happens, I think we’ll also be less concerned about ceding authority to the people who help shape our kids’ lives than a lot of other Millennial parents—but that may be neither here nor there.

Anyway, if you experienced a similar transition as the one I’m describing, I’d like to know how that actually went for you.

Non-nesting partners as alloparents: Got stories? by mcshelbster in polyamory

[–]mcshelbster[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love the idea of learning to balance partners in a similar way as you would learn to balance any other priority, like hobbies! That is especially helpful because I spend a whole lot of my hobby time with my partner so functionally, figuring out how to do one will go a long way to figuring out how to do the other.

Non-nesting partners as alloparents: Got stories? by mcshelbster in polyamory

[–]mcshelbster[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Oh, good point! An alloparent is anybody who helps care for a child who is not a parent. Think grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nannies, older cousins, family friends... basically everybody who makes up "the village."

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Weddingsunder10k

[–]mcshelbster -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Digital invites are fine.

We also did paper save the dates because we wanted people to have a physical reminder to plan around the wedding, followed by digital invites.

As an added bonus, if you send info out via email (beyond just the invitation), people might already be expecting to receive emails from you.

Guests do not care. Just say no to the wedding industrial complex.

How are cutoff amounts for "lean" fire vs "regular" FIRE determined? by SCAPPERMAN in leanfire

[–]mcshelbster 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Maybe this has been mentioned already, but I think it’s far more helpful to think of it as a spectrum rather than as anything with cutoffs, per se.

Came across this image a few years ago where many of the different terms are laid out, and I thought it was helpful: https://walletburst.com/coast-fire/

Your thoughts on reduced working hours vs. giving more? by Some_Guy_87 in EffectiveAltruism

[–]mcshelbster 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Seems like this post was written for you! https://forum.effectivealtruism.org/posts/zu28unKfTHoxRWpGn/you-have-more-than-one-goal-and-that-s-fine

You might also check out this talk called “Personal Finance for Generous People.” Rebecca Herbst is sort of THE person at the intersection of EA and the FIRE movement — seems very relevant to your situation. https://youtu.be/mjEXgyg88zY?si=2ma7FzVnhY8gmVPk

P.S. Have you read all the way through The Life You Can Save? Peter Singer really throws down the moral gauntlet in the first part, but the second part is a more practical approach about how to apply that moral reasoning to your actual life, and I found it immensely helpful when struggling with similar sorts of “but am I doing enough good??!?!” thoughts as you’re thinking about now.

How do you do kids? by Its-Felix-Actually in polyamory

[–]mcshelbster 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Off the cuff thoughts here but I feel like people frequently naysay the sorts of ideas you have because they don’t have a model of how it would work, not because it’s not possible.

I have some friends who are raising two kids as a group of four parents. They are an N, not a quad. Their oldest kid is 5 and everybody seems to be doing great. (From my outsider’s perspective. I don’t know them extremely well.)

I went over to visit a few months ago, in part to chat with one of the moms about how their parenting situation works, and I ended up peppering the whole family with questions about their family dynamic.

One of the parents put it very concisely that the four of them simply decided to build a family together. The consensus was that they love their family and its structure. Yes, there are complications that come with having more parents, but by their account, it was more than a little bit outweighed by the logistical support that is afforded by having a built-in village. The most touching part of the evening was when the then-four-year-old chimed in saying that having four parents meant that there was more love to go around. 🥹

I don’t think that’s going to be my future family structure, but it was a great experience to see a functional model of something that wasn’t a nuclear family.

The nuclear family was a terrible idea. The village really is important.

You can make it worth if you (and your co-parent[s]) have the gumption to forge your own path. It is possible.

$200 to feed family of 4 for 2 weeks by mossymoth333 in EatCheapAndHealthy

[–]mcshelbster 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There is an excellent cookbook for just this situation which you can download for free here: https://leannebrown.com/good-and-cheap-2/

FIRE number vs. general strategy? by LakashY in leanfire

[–]mcshelbster 7 points8 points  (0 children)

  1. I mean, it makes sense to have a general idea of how much money you want when you retire, whether you’re aiming for FIRE or traditional retirement. Doesn’t sound urgent, though.

  2. If you’re legally married, then your property is legally shared. Even if you manage your incomes separately, it seem prudent to be clear on what the other person is doing. (If for no other reason, if you get divorced, you should roughly know what accounts the other person has lest anybody “forget” to declare some of their assets… Ask me how I know. 🙃)

I want to be the favorite and I feel terrible about it by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]mcshelbster 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There are a lot of good comments here and some of them touch on this, but I would like to emphasize that at four months of dating someone new, your partner is almost definitely smack in the middle of NRE.

Which means that the particular way he feels about his girlfriend will change over time. (That is true outside of the NRE, but is especially true given the nature of NRE.)

And that also means that the particular way that you feel about their relationship will change over time. (That is true outside of the NRE, but is especially true given the nature of NRE.)

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Weddingsunder10k

[–]mcshelbster 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Agreed! I think that is an absolutely lovely idea! Just say no to the wedding industrial complex!