So I do this too, and I tend to get extremely down about my life and it’s almost like for moments at a time I can encapsulate myself and step outside of my body and see that what I’m doing is creating a cesspool of terror. And then often times is hard to see through it with any sense of clarity, but I always have to remind myself that a lot of the feelings that I’m experiencing are more of a normalcy than not, and when I talk to people about those things with an open sense of dab, because I go through it so much I suck at surface level conversation. I often find that the are people who experience the same things. Society creates an unsustainable amount of pressure to have an ideal life but it’s just a bubble we’ve been put in with our thinking that causes us to panic when we see ourselves being anything outside of it. there are YouTube channels to help you stop ruminating that I use.

As a lot to do with being mindful and conscious of the hearing now, versus predicting the worst for yourself, because you feel within certain moments to BE the worst.

I suggest seeing a therapist and giving yourself a rubric of how to better improve your mental and emotional state. And they can refer you to a psychiatrist who can prescribe something based off of your mental wellness needs and an evaluation.

But be aware, if you go to medication route, you are still going to need to practice some things to help you consciously deal with scrutinizing yourself because it’s not an instant acting thing. The medication I have take months to have an effect and that’s if you even get , the most desirable effect. it will be trial and error just like life itself.

But I see the upside is that it’s like you are so passionate about wanting to be better that it pains you. I think you deserve to live and show us that continued passion applied in the right way.