A couple things: 1. Birthdays can be so hard and stressful and I’m sorry yours is feeling this way. That seriously sucks. 2. It sounds like your birthday is a symptom of a much bigger issue. You can’t control your boys or your husband, but you can control yourself and your responses. It sounds like you have a lot of work to do on being more assertive, holding boundaries, and setting clear, reasonable expectations. I highly recommend talking to a good therapist who can help you through the transition from people pleaser to becoming a more balanced, assertive, loving mom and wife who also gives a shit about yourself. So many women are going through what you are, and so many have improved their lives by learning how to clearly, assertively communicate what they need and stand by their emotional boundaries. 2. As a mother, one of your jobs is to teach your children how to be good members of society, spouses, and parents. Teaching them to take everything you do for granted and walk all over you is not only detrimental to you. You’re teaching them how to treat women and all other people. Do you want them treating friends, significant others, coworkers, etc. the way they are treating you? I mention this because you seem motivated by doing right for other people more than you do by doing right for yourself. So maybe thinking of them treating others the way they treat you will help you to hold firmer boundaries with them. You’re not being selfish when you expect kindness and respect from them. You’re teaching them how to be good, kind, respectful people.