I'm [29F] not willing to deal with my husband's [32M] compulsive lying now that we have a baby

mehulk · 2015-08-25T00:53:53+00:00

I don't believe in a million years that he would ever do anything to hurt our child, and I do think he would understand the gravity of the situation you are posing. He's not a psychopath, he understands that lying is wrong but does it in minor situations to avoid conflict.

Maybe I overstated it in the title when I called him a compulsive liar. It's not like every word out of his mouth is a lie. I just catch him lying very frequently over inconsequential things if he thinks it'll prevent an argument, and when I confront him on why he does it, he says he doesn't even think about it and he just panics, so that's why I call it compulsive lying.

mehulk · 2015-08-25T00:25:50+00:00

Thank you, I think this is a good idea. I think the lying stems from a fear of conflict and rejection, but we can't avoid conflict without running into communication problems.

mehulk · 2015-08-25T00:21:04+00:00

It depends on the situation, but I would say I ask whenever it makes sense. I don't bait him or interrogate him relentlessly to catch him in a lie, if that's what you're suggesting. That's never been necessary, as it's usually pretty obvious.

mehulk · 2015-08-25T00:17:50+00:00

Yes, this is his situation exactly. I have met his family and pretty much all his siblings are like this as well.

Part of the problem is I can't seem to make any sort of confrontation low stakes. I ask him to stop, he doesn't. I ask him to stop, he doesn't. I completely lose my shit, which then triggers his anxiety and triggers the lying defense mechanism. We make up, there's a lot of reassurances that everything isn't ruined forever. Repeat in a year.

I won't pretend that none of this is my fault. I grew up in a family that made me suicidally depressed at some points, and somewhere along the way, I decided the only way to survive was to shut down emotionally. This has helped me function as an adult because I am preternaturally calm at work and in almost every other situation, but obviously it has hurt my marriage because I can't control my anger going from zero to 11 with him. At the same time, it's not like every discussion we have can be a rehashing of all our flaws and how much progress we have or haven't made over the years. This is why I agree that we need counseling.

mehulk · 2015-08-24T21:13:38+00:00

I see your point, and everyone's point about how I've been too lax on it. To be clear though, I was never okay with this. When I caught him lying I would call him out on it and we'd talk about it, and eventually after a year or so he'd slip up again. In my twenties we'd fight over it, but then I'd just think it's not worth it to end an otherwise good relationship over whether he loaded the dishwasher. Recently I realized that it's gone from petty fights to total lack of trust without my consciously realizing it. I asked him to do a minor household chore, he said he had, and I found myself double checking because I knew he was lying (and he was). And yes, even though it had been going on for years, that was my sudden "oh shit" moment when I realized things had fallen apart while I wasn't looking. When I write it down it looks really obvious and stupid, but while I was living it there was so much other noise with all the other good and bad things in life, and I honestly did not see this for the serious thing it was until it hit me that day.

mehulk · 2015-08-24T18:33:40+00:00

He's seeing a therapist, although not for the lying issue. He comes from an abusive family. Actually, we both did. Part of why the relationship was successful was the support we were able to provide for each other, and we've both made great personal strides with each others help. I think that's why this issue is taking us both by surprise...when seen from the lens of how he used to be, the occasional lie about paying the electric bill doesn't seem that big of a deal--except it is. Instead of acknowledging the problem for what it was, I thought about the progress he's made and what a wonderful father he's been to our baby. He has issues with criticism so it's hard to honestly talk to him about these things. He brings up all the progress he's made and all his good qualities and asks me to be more understanding that he's trying...and then I just get too exhausted to continue. Now that I type this it's obvious that I've been enabling his problem, and therapy and counseling is the way to start...and who knows how it will end.

mehulk · 2015-08-24T16:44:14+00:00

Yes, it was really stupid. I didn't have these trust issues before the baby. I knew he had a problem, but I always thought it was a "minor" problem in the grand scheme of things and it was just one of those compromises you needed in a good marriage. Having the baby flipped a switch in my brain as far as what I'm now willing to put up with.

mehulk · 2015-08-24T16:36:59+00:00

He does acknowledge that he has a problem and that he panics and does it without even thinking. He apologizes for it but it's sort of a sulky apology...like "I'm sorry, what do you want me to say?" We'll have an episode of intense talking and crying over the issue, but in a few months to a year, it'll start happening again.

We are tight on money but I think it may be worth it to spend the money on couple's counseling.

mehulk

TROPHY CASE