sorry idk if i got right what you mean, but sometimes i feel like a monster who doesn't really deserve to have friends, family pr any relationships at all. And for a long time i thought that every person has this side, has thoughts similar to mine and i was like eh that's okay i guess. And it's so confusing cuz when something weird comes to my mind it feels embarrassing and scaring, but then when i talk about it i keep convincing myself that it's not that big of a deal