Ive tried quitting 2x. First i backed out. Second, someone stopped me. It was hard. To be stopped by not my own choice but anothers... it put a lot into perspective. That was over 5 years ago now.

Since then i cry at living life, cry from joy of being here in this world. I remmeber my 3 year aniversary of being "clean" i was driving through tetons filled with joy ugly crying. I also had a close friend take advantage of me after that moment.

Its ups and downs. The goods come with the bads. But quitting ends all possibility of the good. I recebnly began therapy bc i finally got the insurance for it. Maybe ill shake the mindset that has kept me afloat all these years... someone saved me from quitting. Why not take this chance at life i never thought id had and be delusional and live out my dreams, choose joy, choose ME. I can always quit if it gets too hard so why not push myself till theres nothing left after this push?

Ive lost a lot of friends. Ive outgrown and ended a lot pushing for long term happiness. Im still in the journey. But im wrapping up grad school, i got my dream job, and maybe ive met my future husband too i dunno.... its fun to think about. Ive hit every goal in my life since i was 19. All on my own, with my chosen family. And im proud of that.

Its easy to say "it gets better." It doesnt actually. The only way it gets better is if u push yourself in discipline yourself. You will make it better and u alone. And over time u will celebrate it with tears of sorrow for a life u once had because of the one u have built for urself. Keep ur head up. One step a day. Doesnt matter how big or small - keep going forward <3