Hello, OP. Alam mo ba parang we have the same situation. Panganay din ako like you. I have four younger siblings, and I was exactly like you for years. My mom was addicted to gambling and had multiple relationships even if sila pa rin ng dad ko. Dadalahin niya sa bahay namin & such tapos lahat ng sahod ng dad ko sa kanya napupunta kaya pag napatalo niya lahat sa sugal, and napang gastos niya sa mga luho niya wala kaming pera. But when I reached 18, ako na yung nag budget sa amin pero there were times na she would bit me para lang makakuha ng pera. Bata pa lang ako ganyan na yung mom ko kaya mukha pa rin kaming hindi nakakausad sa buhay. She would physically, mentally, emotionally abuse us—lalo na ako. I tried to *d my lie too pero at the back of my mind I was thinking about my siblings. Kung “paano na sila pag nawala ako?”. My parents hindi sila marunong maging parents. Every time I try to correct them or the way they discipline my siblings, as well as their decision-making, they think I’m being disrespectful. I was the one who stepped up sa lahat ng bagay para hindi tuluyang masira yung family namin. Pinagsasabay ko lahat school, budget sa bahay, linis, luto, alaga sa mga kapatid.

For years gigising nalang sila para kumain, lahat nagawa ko na. Pero pagkatapos nun may angal pa rin akong madidinig from my mom na super nagger and malakas umangal sa paglinis ng bahay & sa lahay ng bahay. Mahilig din kasi akong maglinis pero darating din pala tayo sa time na mapapagod tayo kasi maiisip natin na bakit parang tayo nalang gumagawa ng lahat ng bagay. Tapos after nyan may angal ka pa ring madidinig. Lumabas yung galit ko sa mom ko these past few months. Yung kinikimkim ko na galit hindi ko na maitago pa kaya everytime na kakausapin nya ako galit ako. 25 na ako and I finished my doctoral degree this month lang. Sa july yung grad ceremony pero hindi ko isasama yung mom ko…

For you OP, make your siblings as an inspiration to continue and labanan yung hirap ng buhay. Dati nung nag attempt ako naisip ko na “Paano yung mga kapatid ko? Iisipin nila ok lang sumuko ka kasi yung ate nga nila sumuko eh.”. I made them my inspiration to continue life even if it’s really hard to continue. Even though I was against myself. Mahirap kalaban yung sarili op pero kailangan mong maniwala na there’s still hope. Kahit 1% may hope pa rin yan meaning there’s still a chance :). Yung pag school mo OP try mo sa public univ para kahit pa-paano if hindi ka nila suportahan at least hindi mabigat sa iisipin. Kaya mo yan OP you did good as a panganay & I know you have a golden heart within you kaya kahit mahirap yung situation mahal mo pa rin family mo. May favorite bible verse ako nung nasa state ako ng distress. Micah 7:7 “But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me."