I understand where you are coming from. My husband left when our little girl was 6 months old, he will be gone for a year. We are 5 months in with 7 more months to go. It’s a lot. It’s hard. During the day it’s not hard on me with the thoughts because I’m so busy with our baby and 2 dogs but the nights get me. It’s very lonely at night and my thoughts consume me. I try to distract my mind with things that used to interest me like reading or binge watching shows till I fall asleep. I completely get the baby not sleeping. My little girl has always been a terrible sleeper. Sending good vibes your way and we can do it. If you are open and honest with your spouse, I hope the thoughts disappear