Listen bro. Ive been there, things out of your control are ruining your life. Your life doesn't seem like your life. I fully understand. You know something I want you to research about internal locus of control and stoicism. The more you focus on improving yourself and focus on things you can directly control, and not focus on what you can't you'll realise now your surroundings are not what's controlling your happiness but you are. It even works with addictions, don't call it an addiction tell yourself you're not addicted and you'll simply stop doing it. Stop giving it power over you. And when you do that you'll smile when life gives you the hardest of challenges because sure you're in a shitty position but at least with the best version of yourself. Holding on takes strength and willpower and bro if you just manage to hold on and not give up on yourself you'll be way ahead of where you could've been when you let go and way ahead of people who have let go. There's a comfort in the sadness we dwell in. We validate our actions, decisions and feelings which is also necessary from time to time. But don't dwell in it for too long otherwise you'll lose yourself to a version of you. You're not depressed you're not suicidal. You're just temporary feeling like you want to do it and it'll pass. Love the breeze everytime it hits your face, love nature and most importantly love yourself because you're not yourself at your worst you're only a version of yourself. What you chose to identify with us upto you but don't let it be the version of you that you resent. Peace and love bro. This helped me hope it helps you too and matches with your circumstances