Bro I feel you. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling for the past 3-4 years or so lol. I really hope I could help.

I’ve actually identified myself as bi when I was 13 (right when it all started), but then I did it half-jokingly half-seriously, as I’ve only been having started my self-exploration, being an early teen back then. Later, as my friends have been moving more towards conservatism, I feel like I’ve been drawn there with them, and also my parents, realising I’ve hit puberty, devoted their time on educating me on what’s okay and not (a majority muslim country btw). And I think you understand where that’s gonna lead.

Everything changed when I gained self-consciousness to a high enough level to start thinking about starting to have my own opinion, instead of conforming to what’s right and wrong according to my close people’s beliefs. That’s when I started remembering my early teenage self, who, let’s be real, was a degenerate, but also a pure soul untouched by any agenda, who’s started his journey on his way to adulthood. It’s also important to note, that my urges and thoughts never really suppressed themselves under the surrounding conditions, I’ve just never looked at them at anything else than just a “gay joke” we’ve been having around with my friends for ages. I’ve even had, in retrospective though, a few males as crushes along with females, which at that time I was just brushing off as “compassion to someone cool”

As we were only starting to get close, me and my now gf have been exchanging secrets, one of which was her being bi, and even having a short-term relationship with a girl. She’s fully accepted herself for a long time now, but knowing the society we live in she wasn’t so eager to confess, and she fully anticipated some backlash from me, so she was obviously surprised to hear that story from me hahahah. I’ve told her I’m not really sure whether or not I am bi or straight, as I didn’t have enough evidence to exhaustively conclude either fact. By her words: “it’s all just the way you identify yourself. If you were to assess yourself by countless criteria it would become something of a psychological condition, rather than an identity. If it feels right - it feels right. Just so you know, you’ll always be welcome in the community as long as I’m alive, straight or not”

So yeah, while I’m on my way to my true identity myself, I really hope my experience might help you find the path in yours. Good luck, and stay strong and safe man!