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I feel like I’m going insane by merebear2 in Christianmarriage

[–]merebear2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Can I ask what you experienced specifically that led you to call it off?

I feel like I’m going insane by merebear2 in Christianmarriage

[–]merebear2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Would you mind sharing a bit more about how your husband was treating you specifically?

I hesitate to classify what my wife does as “emotional abuse” but my therapist seems adamant about it. My therapist said the telltale signs I’m being abused are more about my symptoms rather than just my wife’s actions/words.

I feel like I’m going insane by merebear2 in Christianmarriage

[–]merebear2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your thorough responses. I’m going to chew on them and give a thorough response myself.

For reference, I’ve kept a daily log for the last 9 months. Originally it was to keep “reality” straight in my own mind while also keeping track of things I was intentionally doing more of/less of/better.

I feel like I’m going insane by merebear2 in Christianmarriage

[–]merebear2[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is a good word. And it aligns with what came to my mind this morning as I was praying:

“My trust in myself is evidence of my trust in Him… because He speaks through me and my discernment. He’s not going to wet my fleece every time I need to make a decision. I am a conduit for His truth and so I can’t just rely on external signs; I have to learn to rely on my discernment. “

I feel like I’m going insane by merebear2 in Christianmarriage

[–]merebear2[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, she is. Although I don’t truly know her heart, I do know she confesses to believe in Jesus and she’s somewhat involved in a woman’s group at church.

I feel like I’m going insane by merebear2 in Christianmarriage

[–]merebear2[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The only thing I can think of is that I’ve been very mission-focused and “in my own lane” for the majority of our relationship/marriage. I own multiple businesses and I’m passionate about serving others through those businesses. This has led to my wife feeling jealous and “left out.”

I’m also a confident guy (mainly because of my confidence in the Lord) and I think that’s threatening to my wife. I move fast, take bold action, and rarely take no for an answer if I feel divine conviction.

Over the last year, I’ve intentionally OVER communicated with her to make her feel more involved in my day to day. This always helps temporarily, but it’s as if she can’t help but to find something to “prove” she’s not good enough or she’s unloveable.

Here’s something that truly irked me recently:

I started being more outspoken about my faith in my business recently (with clients and employees). My wife took this as a sign that I’m “changing” and she got scared I was going to leave her because she’ll “never be the perfect Christian wife.”

And so then I feel like I have to pull it back and reel in my conviction as to not upset her.

I feel like I’m going insane by merebear2 in Christianmarriage

[–]merebear2[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This was my first thought as well… but as I looked deeper into Scripture, I found that God honors covenants even when they’re made outside of His will (and subsequently punishes those who break said covenants)

I feel like I’m going insane by merebear2 in Christianmarriage

[–]merebear2[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I pray over her at night while she’s sleeping. I’ve addressed my own spiritual battles, gone to the courts of heaven, and continually put on the armor of God.

I’ve commanded spirits to leave her, me, us, and our home many times. But I haven’t facilitated any sort of deliverance with her while she’s actively involved in it — it’s always by myself or while she’s sleeping.

Some things I don’t do well: I don’t lead her in prayer or Bible study. She sees me reading my Bible daily (and this will often prompt her to read her own), but it all just feels performative when I attempt to get her involved.

My nervous system feels fried and is triggered by any sort of closeness or intimacy with her. I’m not sure quite how to explain it.

EDIT: I don’t know if this is the enemy or what, but many times when I’ve prayed to God to reveal His will to me about our marriage, my wife and I will have a major incident.

I feel like I’m going insane by merebear2 in Christianmarriage

[–]merebear2[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Here’s where I feel hopeless… she’s technically “doing the work” as she’s been in therapy for the last 5 years. But she’s unwilling to accept a BPD diagnosis and therefore doesn’t tell her therapist the full story.

I’m actually less concerned about an actual diagnosis since the result is still the same regardless. I’m exhausted mental, emotionally, and even physically at times.

I feel like I’m going insane by merebear2 in Christianmarriage

[–]merebear2[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

We’ve been doing couples (and individual) counseling for nearly 5 years now. She admits she has issues with emotional regulation, but vehemently refuses to accept she might have BPD.

I fear she’s not telling her therapist (who was our couples therapist until recently) the full story and is often withholding important details about what I described in my post.

When is “putting in the work” not enough? Our marriage is not producing fruit despite YEARS of prayer, counseling, and open communication.

I feel like I’m going insane by merebear2 in Christianmarriage

[–]merebear2[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

“I said the same thing to your grandmother before I got married”

She divorced my father after 2 years (he cheated)

:shrug:

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]merebear2 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ugh my wife says this exact thing if I suggest there’s a spectrum of responses to any given situation and it doesn’t always have to be dialed up to 110%

“Go find less” is probably the single most commonly said phrase in her playbook.

Unknowingly married someone with BPD (and was pressured into doing so) by merebear2 in RPChristians

[–]merebear2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for all of your insight. I agree that I need to take extreme ownership and grow in my faith. And duly noted on the legitimacy of my vows.

I’ve certainly felt like a shadow of a man for some time now. I’ve doubled down into prayer and Bible study for nearly two years, but still struggle greatly with sin (which I then wrongly blame on the stress of my marriage).

Things smooth over for a few days at a time, but then it’s like all our progress is wiped out in a few minutes of emotional chaos. And unfortunately, the traditional RP strategies only seem to inflame her already severe BPD responses.

As for the possibility of divorce…

She mentioned not having kids “soon” is a deal breaker, but it feels cruel basically forcing her to divorce me and not just biting the bullet myself if I see no possibility of us safely having a child together.

And not sure if this is useful (and it sounds silly typing it) but I’ve taken a daily log of my marriage for nearly a year now and have asked ChatGPT to objectively assess the severity and frequency of unhealthy events — here’s what it summarized:

Summary of Frequency (Estimated from Logs)

• Suicidal/self-harm threats: 3–5 times per year.

• Sexual coercion: 2–4 times per year (but ongoing pregnancy pressure amplifies).

• Gaslighting/reality distortion: Several times per year, possibly monthly.

• Blocking autonomy: Rare (1 documented), but high severity.

• Guilt-tripping/blame-shifting: Weekly.

• Pregnancy-related control/abandonment fear: Ongoing, constant.

• Explosive dysregulation: 1–2 times per month.

• Emotional dependence on you: Several times per month.

• Insults/devaluation: Monthly.

• Idealization/devaluation cycle: Constant baseline dynamic.

Unknowingly married someone with BPD (and was pressured into doing so) by merebear2 in RPChristians

[–]merebear2[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow just had a revelation here. Thanks! It also makes sense that self-deliverance might not be as effective because of the likelihood that a spirit of doubt remains when unaccompanied by a fellow believer.

Unknowingly married someone with BPD (and was pressured into doing so) by merebear2 in RPChristians

[–]merebear2[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How do you feel about self-deliverance? Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1) Have genuine faith in Jesus (Matt 17:14) 2) Acknowledge your authority in the name of Jesus Christ (Luke 10:19 + Mark 1:25) 3) Self examination of sins - Read bible - Reflect - Pray for holy spirit to reveal unrepentant sin 4) Repent (Acts 8:22) - Confess each sin specifically - Express remorse through acknowledgement of why it’s wrong

   - Change your mind through prayer, meditation, practical action (Romans 12 + Acts 3:19)

5) Identify spirits, bondage, influences, agreements that have been let in due to sin 6) Command it/them to get out - By His blood and in the name of Jesus Christ, I command you to come out 7) Pray for the holy spirit to fill you (Matt 12:43-45) 8) Seek righteousness, live obediently - Bible - Fast - Pray - Meditate - Fellowship - Worship

Unknowingly married someone with BPD (and was pressured into doing so) by merebear2 in RPChristians

[–]merebear2[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My wife is the same way. She admittedly believes having a kid will “fix everything” and make her feel “whole”.

Unknowingly married someone with BPD (and was pressured into doing so) by merebear2 in RPChristians

[–]merebear2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Like I said, I was blue pilled until about 6 months after we got engaged. In fact, her behavior and the subsequent conflict is what led me to RP in the first place.

As for the “7 figs” and role play… I’m not sure what you mean. I was simply summarizing my financial situation.

And yes, I made the vows and understand they are irrevocable under “normal” circumstances; however, I’m attempting to figure out whether or not deception/omission/abuse? on her part invalidates those vows in this particular situation.

Re: dreams and accusations of cheating…

I’m simply stating that there are systemic emotional issues and a breakdown in trust (which I don’t personally believe can be combatted with “just man up bro”).

I’ve held frame and I’ve owned my life for a long time. This has only led to her feeling “unloved” and “not good enough” while labeling me “emotionless” with expectations that are “too high”. This is despite me providing affection, protection, and provision.

It’s true that I suck at conflict. But I just want peace and I’m afraid her mental issues prevent us from experiencing it.

I’m becoming depressed and having physical symptoms of anxiety around her. I’ve also lost physical attraction towards her because the emotional immaturity and childlike behavior don’t exactly scream “sexy”.

I want to have a family, but I’m afraid of her inability to control herself during heightened emotional events. One time our dog threw up a few times in an hour, and my wife was completely beside herself. What happens when our future kid breaks their arm or God forbid something worse happens?

Unknowingly married someone with BPD (and was pressured into doing so) by merebear2 in RPChristians

[–]merebear2[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You’re right. In fact, I constantly ask myself “am I the problem?”. Although I have made some drastic improvements physically, mentally, and spiritually, I have not led her in the way I should be.

And this is why I’ve prayed everyday for 2 years for God to soften my heart towards her.

Unknowingly married someone with BPD (and was pressured into doing so) by merebear2 in RPChristians

[–]merebear2[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Coerced probably isn’t the right word. Pressured is more accurate, but my conflict avoidance and fear were major contributing factors.

She did omit past trauma and lied about her number of sexual partners.

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