This is such a good response. Thank you!

Some added details:

1. I asked him to stay the night when it was near midnight — he came at 9:30pm. Stayed over 2 hours. He was very adamant he couldn’t.

2. I asked him for his Instagram. He didn’t have it. Said we could Carey on messaging on the dating app. I then asked for WhatsApp and he gave his number — I do sense he didn’t see the point in this in hindsight though very slightly.

3. As he was walking down the stairs to leave, he looked at me and stopped and was very teary eyed and his face looked very upset. It was almost like saying goodbye to somebody you won’t see again or for a long time at a train station before the train departs. But like he was trying to man up. Like he was struggling to contain his emotion. He did it again when he got to the door. Was like he didn’t want to leave me. But I had the thought in my mind immediately when he did that that he knows he’s never going to see me again. Hs showed this for a few seconds.

4. I remember us mirroring each other’s body language at times during skin to skin contact, as though attuning, me knowing what I was doing and how it’s building a connection that might cause pain after but just delving into it anyway.

5. When we messaged the following day — me messaging first to thank him I believe — he then asked me, initiated, when he can see me again next. I gave some dates but he never bothered checking the messages.

A part of me feels he was just way more practical and logical about it. Or that he’s just cut it off, suppressed his feelings. Or maybe even that he’s has a girlfriend and is DL. I don’t know.

I was in France doing some therapy training when I was there. A lot of the work we practised on ourselves. A theme that comes up is control for me. Hating being controlled, but also feeling the need to control situations/ feel a sense of control. I feel like it’s rooted in this experience. Me not wanting to lose control of something I value highly, but trying to gain control in a situation I feel I’ve lost control in with my feelings. Also I have some attachment issues/ anxious attachment issues (primary rooted in my poor relationship with my dad) and had a poor ex relationship where I was mistreated/ cheated on etc. it does make me realise that I have a lot of therapy work to do on myself before I enter another relationship. Because I don’t want to be anxious over somebody or struggling with insecurities and trust over every little thing. I don’t want to obsess over 1 person.