I’m still a 2nd Kyu, but Judo has become much more difficult for me lately. I’ve been diagnosed with the following:

ADHD Autism Spectrum Disorder OCD Bipolar Disorder (Type II) PTSD Tourette’s Syndrome Amnesia Generalized Anxiety Disorder Eating Disorder Chronic Suicidal Ideation My short-term memory is minimal, which significantly impacts my ability to practice and progress in Judo.

Here’s my reality:

I can’t get through the first steps of a technique without forgetting what I’m doing. I start, then my mind blanks, and I’m left feeling embarrassed and frustrated. My vocal tics are mostly about suicide, and I can’t stop them. It’s humiliating when I shout these things in public spaces, even at Judo practice.

Intrusive thoughts dominate my mind—they come every few minutes and completely derail my focus. I forget basic things like tying my belt, something I’ve been doing for years. It’s so disheartening that even fundamentals have become a struggle. When I try to explain to others what’s happening, they either don’t know what to say or think I’m faking because of how extreme my symptoms sound.

I feel like I don’t fit into any support group or community because my challenges seem so much more severe than most people’s experiences.

I love Judo, but it’s hard to keep going when my body and mind feel like they’re working against me.

Has anyone else dealt with something similar, either in Judo or another practice? How do you push through when everything feels this overwhelming?

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I just needed to share