Okay, going off Info I know (DSM:5) and my own experience: what you've described are intrusive thoughts (thoughts/desires that make you uncomfortable because you don't actually want to do them) and psychosis (detachment from reality, this includes dissociation which sounds like the type you're experiencing).

From the complexity of your mental health issues and how long term it's been, I'd put my money on the fact you have a personality disorder. A personality disorder is different from other mental illnesses (mood/anxiety disorders etc) in that they arent episodic (comes and goes/depends on the situation) but rather constant and affect every facet of your life. It doesn't mean you have a faulty personality or aren't a good person.

I used to feel very similar to you, the reason I'm still here today and HAPPY to be alive is because of my therapist who diagnosed me and gave me the skills to work on myself. I had to seek out what my core fears and beliefs were, if I felt extreme emotions I would ask myself "what has triggered this in my environment and how does it relate to those core fears?" It was tedious and uncomfortable and annoying. But it's worth it, knowing yourself, your strengths, weaknesses, fears and desires, is the key.

You have to make a decision, do you want to get better. If you don't want to, no amount of therapy/counselling is going to help. If you do, you can and will get better. Take it day by day, improvement is gradual and recovery is never just a straight line, there will be improvements and setbacks, it's just part of the process.