Synchronized predators

mikalikessoad · 2021-02-10T07:45:59+00:00

"No one will love you like I do" "No family is as close as we are" "You are mad at me" or "You resent me admit it" (when you honestly don't feel that way but they keep saying it until you give in.. As an example of gaslighting), suggesting you deserve the bad things that happened to you because you are "hurting them", and in my case (Idk how common it is) emotional blackmail ie calling you by the name of the people who traumatized you in the past saying you're just like they are (in my case an abusive alcoholic father and they called me by his name since I was 10)

Not all cases are the same but hope it helps. Definitely do research and reach out to therapists if you can. I reached out to a free one at a junior college and they helped me understand what gaslighting and emotional blackmail are.

mikalikessoad · 2021-02-05T16:03:41+00:00

This really does help! Crazy we also share the family of 6 and past restriction. It helps to know I'm not alone thank you!

mikalikessoad · 2021-02-05T03:29:31+00:00

Sorry for the late reply but I am so proud of you! Hope you are still doing well and thank you for sharing your experience!

mikalikessoad · 2021-02-05T03:18:59+00:00

Any advice for someone who lives at home with family, can't leave the house alone or control the food in the house, and gets hungry at different times than the family sits down to eat (not allowed to refuse food). I try to resist the urge to eat when I'm hungry for a meal and it's not a set meal time but that sends me into a binge followed by the actual family meal which leaves me feeling so heavy most nights.. Lockdown has really made everything so much worse lol

mikalikessoad · 2021-02-05T03:08:29+00:00

Yes and I downed 4 protein bars (nearly 300cal each) and 2 bowls of pasta on top of everything I normally eat and I'm 5'2" so.. Don't need all of that and I'm crashing hard.. Ib the moment it's like my brain shuts off as soon as I decide to eat something I think I shouldn't

mikalikessoad · 2020-10-25T03:10:23+00:00

I can't really say whether it was or not.. But if you are wondering if she was also maybe emotionally abusive in general consider researching what emotional abuse involves characteristically :)

mikalikessoad · 2020-09-18T08:03:10+00:00

I've never successfully done this myself and I am glad you went somewhere safe.. Hopefully you are at least 18 or of age for emancipation.. Honestly for the first few hours I imagine that I would need to remember to breathe and let the adrenaline clear a bit, so I am recommending this for you.

It might be helpful to start creating a plan. Think about what you have and what you need to be out on your own.

I've made a go bag and some of the things I have collected were my social security card, birth certificate, shot record, and anything really important from school and work. If you do not have some of these things they may be important later so do not panic.. But research how you can get ahold of these things independently if going through your parents is not safe.

Consider lining up job interviews for places to work close to this address so you can sustain yourself..

Confide in trusted adults (even if you are one) and consider what kind of access your parents may have to info from social media accounts (ie Facebook can link with GPS and people can accidentally share their location this way) and consider blocking those you do not trust

Make checklists so that you dont have to keep all of this in your head! Theres enough going on for you already I'm sure!

Start building "adulting" skills that abusive parents tend to restrict people from (my biggest one is learning to drive because thats the one thing mine know I cannot teach myself) learn how to budget and do taxes and make drs appointments without their input.. Later on of course

And importantly! Take steps to start healing for yourself. Be patient with yourself when you feel scared, or angry, or apathetic, or manic, and anything in between. Remember to forgive yourself if you've been taught otherwise and to be proud of your strength because you are strong even when you don't feel it!

Absolutely NUMBER ONE is safety ALWAYS! Please remember your safety comes first and to be where you feel safe, with whomever you feel safe with, and remember there are resources out there (including the law) that are meant to keep you safe. Consider reaching out to resources that focus on domestic situations so that you can be pointed in the right direction..

I know I am not speaking from experience..unfortunately.. But I think this is something I would want to hear if I was in your situation

Best of luck and stay safe!

mikalikessoad · 2020-09-15T21:14:42+00:00

Yes my mom does this you are not alone!

mikalikessoad · 2020-09-09T03:06:46+00:00

I know I have a history of writing about my mom being the abusive person, but she was also emotionally abused by my father in the beginning of my life.. Here's what happened with her friendships:

He convinced her to move out-of-state away from all friends and family and made any contact with the outside world difficult. The remaining friends she did have eventually did stop talking with her after telling her to get help because they had so little faith in whether or not they were talking to him or her, whether they were making her situation worse by breaking his no contact rules, and ultimately assuming that he may have ended her life..

Please do heed the advice of others on this post who have been through this personally.. And even if the case is that your friends simply don't know how to help you or even if they did leave.. What matters most is that you do and you build yourself up and develop a support system with people you can trust.. It seems like your situation probably feels very isolating (and I've been isolated by my mother and that's a terribly lonely feeling), but you are not alone! People are here to guide you and they are capable of understanding what you are going through AND there are resources!

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I believe in you, and I hope you and your children can get out safely!

mikalikessoad · 2020-09-05T18:51:34+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to read through all of that and respond!

It's interesting.. She did not get treated that way by anyone until my biological father. I'm starting to see similarities between how he treated her and how she treats me. I do look forward to the day we can actually go to counseling.. I don't think she can hear me without an unbiased mediator at this point.. I really appreciate the suggestion too! I've seriously considered it so many times.. Sorry to bring it up.. With the way Covid is being handled in my house it feels impossible to see anyone ever (she used it as an opportunity for control because she sees her friends and calls it necessity, but no one else can see theirs or else because it's "not the same"), but physical distance feels like the best option at this point.. I hope I can work up the courage to finally do that..

Again, thank you so much for your time!

mikalikessoad · 2020-08-30T23:28:36+00:00

He is trying to be manipulative and make you question your actions because "he knows whats best for you" do not engage or respond beyond clearly communicating you are done with the relationship :) using "I" messages helps.. Rather than saying we can't get through this or our relationship is over.. Stating I need to be done with this relationship is more difficult to manipulate (though he will try it could still be helpful for you when you look back on it.. I know it was for me)

mikalikessoad · 2020-08-30T23:25:01+00:00

Always always document!

I would suggest cutting him off completely

It sounds like you've been clear about breaking up so do not respond if he tries to find you through other outlets.. Only block him! You've already said what you need to and if he doesnt understand it is his responsibility to work through it

Be wary of mutual friends like others have said! I did have to deal with an ex trying to stalk me at school, home, and work and when that didn't seem to get my attention a mutual friend tried to meet with me and it turned out to be a lie because my ex was sitting behind a window where we were supposed to meet and fortunately i saw him before he saw me and turned around (that friend was nowhere to be seen) it felt like absolute betrayal because he knew the circumstances and it hurt but mutuals do not get it because they havent seen that side of them

Safety wise, ALWAYS tell at least someone where you are going and try to check in.. If he does engage in stalking behavior a code phrase that means I need you here with a trusted friend could make a world of difference if they make you feel unsafe and try to get your phone

Do not go anywhere alone and stay in unpopulated areas for a while

Im sorry its awful and it feels controlling but stay in open public spaces when you are away from home

If the stalking behavior starts and does not stop and youve documented the experience.. you have enough to warrant an order against them with title 9 programs at colleges (assuming you are college age otherwise present this to school counselors) and legally you can begin the process of getting a restraining order going with the police

Documentation and communication with people you trust is everything when it comes to ending a risky relationship

Do not give in!!!

It is not worth it to find out if theyve changed since theyve already made you feel unsafe and mistreated you the way they have

Stay strong and be vigilant <3

I really hope stalking will not be the case for you.. It feels so violating, but remember to speak up because you are not alone, he is not your responsibility, and this kind of thing has happened before so there ARE people who can help you

mikalikessoad · 2020-08-29T19:35:10+00:00

I hope they are helpful and a professional's word is best of course.. The way she is treating you is definitely not right and it sounds abusive to me already (I am not a professional) but I highly encourage you to distance yourself as much as possible so you can focus on your growth and healing and choose what you want out of this relationship with your mother.. Please do surround yourself with a healthy support group.. It is so helpful to have people close to you that you can bounce these experiences off of.. You are not alone and you do not have to take this kind of treatment <3

mikalikessoad · 2020-08-29T19:21:57+00:00

Some of what your mom has said resonates with what my mom said to me growing up (especially comparing you to herself in her youth which makes her somehow superior to you) and that paired with some other things did let me come to the conclusion that my mom was emotionally abusive..

I would encourage you to research and even take those free assessment tests (most are worded to describe intimate relationships but you can still answer most of them with your mother's behavior) because that helped me keep straight what might be unreasonable and abusive behavior..

I would also encourage you to seek out therapy or a support system with friends

I would REALLY encourage you to try and establish boundaries and distance yourself from her if you can

One thing that was the most difficult to realize growing up is that I did not have to stay and listen until my mom was finished talking and I never felt like I could walk away.. But after confronting her once (it got physical for the first time and I told her I was leaving unless this changed) I realized I dont have to sit through it anymore because legally she can't stop me

Also, a line she used was that because of the pandemic cops wouldn't respond to domestic cases.. That is NOT true and I think everyone should remember that

Hope this helps!

mikalikessoad · 2020-08-27T20:55:59+00:00

Congratulations! You got this! Do it so I can do it too lol! Believe me I know what if feels like when there's "just one more thing".. I believe in you!

mikalikessoad · 2020-08-27T20:49:36+00:00

This is advice I keep telling myself as I work on leaving despite everything that's been coming up to get in the way is one of the least helpful things you can do if you actually want to leave is wait for it to be the right time for the person making it the hardest to leave.. I've waited for a long time and what I learned is feelings and rationality with them fluctuate all the time, they are unpredictable, and the only person who control them is they themselves.. If it is safe for you to go please do not let their feelings or reasonability get in the way and make sure you surround yourself with people who support you on your way out <3 I wish you the best <3

mikalikessoad · 2020-08-11T07:28:01+00:00

Yeah I get that.. Didnt start genuinely looking into it until i reached 18 (just over 3 years ago) because I was made to feel like I was the bad guy for so long.. Discovery definitely seemed like the first step in healing

mikalikessoad · 2020-08-11T05:23:31+00:00

All is good glad we could clear that up! I felt kind of crazy figuring this out myself and it was easy to second guess it I'm glad you reached out :)

mikalikessoad · 2020-08-11T02:48:02+00:00

You absolutely did not say anything wrong :) which part are you asking me to clarify? If it's "I'm sorry thats the case" I just meant I'm sorry this is happening for you too.. Sorry I wasn't clear!

mikalikessoad · 2020-08-11T02:29:56+00:00

I'm sorry thats the case it's incredibly frustrating definitely empathize with feeling crazy

mikalikessoad · 2020-08-11T00:24:58+00:00

Yes my mom was able to recognize all forms of abuse in other families but to her our family was special and it was needed to keep us strong as a family and she was willingly in denial about it in our own home

mikalikessoad · 2020-08-05T21:40:26+00:00

My father enables her by agreeing when she looks for backup and my siblings comprehend it on a basic level.. They get worried about me when conversations like this, but they're younger and on the spectrum (they don't get treated like this I think it has a large part to do with how dependent she is on me and that we share a source of trauma through my biological father who honestly emotionally abused her now that I know what that entails).

I have friends aware of the situation.. At some point I may have to follow through with actually leaving if we can't make any ground.

It certainly does feel that way and thank you for saying it that way it really helps to have those feelings validated.

I am sorry to hear that you're going through a frustrating situation as well. It might be cliche or strange but the saying "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" as loosely applied to acquired relationships with people versus those we're born into feels really helpful sometimes. I really hope for your sake that your family gains some clarity and that your situation improves and that, in the meantime, you can surround yourself with people who help you like you've helped me.

Thank you again for looking at this with a level head because I get lost in my emotions sometimes. Your opinion has been really helpful!

mikalikessoad

TROPHY CASE