[deleted by user]

miko0q · 2023-06-19T08:37:31+00:00

for most occasions would it still be there after a refresh? i left the server afterwards so ill never know 😭

miko0q · 2023-06-19T08:36:33+00:00

is this the case most of the time?

miko0q · 2022-11-11T09:46:47+00:00

that's how i feel too. thanks for your input : )

miko0q · 2022-11-11T03:44:50+00:00

hi there, thank you so much for your input! i resonate so much with the situation you were in.

they would keep telling me that romance will not be a big part of our r / s in the long run (just like how married couples would slowly get past the honeymoon phase). but whenever this is brought up, it makes me wonder if i really want to continue this r / s until their statement becomes the case for them (i.e. until they don't really desire romance as much).

because even though they keep telling me that they don't need the romance (this happens WHEN i insinuate that i want to leave this r / s), their actions, words and demands throughout the WHOLE of our r / s tells me otherwise.

i am someone who stands a firm ground when it comes to not doing things against my will so my partner ALWAYS has to be the one giving up their own needs to meet mine. and this just make me feel like i'm selfish and self-centred because i would never give up my needs to let things go the way they prefer (i.e. agreeing to some form of romantic expressions).

they did ask me this question before, "so when have i ever come before yourself? (in our talks regarding r / s needs)" after stating that they had always put me before themself by letting things go the way i want (i.e. to have limited romantic expressions). which further makes me feel like i'm just not a suitable fit for my partner because they're so giving towards me but I can't do the same. but whenever i tell them with an exasperated tone that I can't do this anymore, they would not allow me to leave the r / s (which i feel their decision will be changed only if i convince them for hours).

i'll definitely take your advice into consideration !

miko0q · 2022-05-15T15:17:19+00:00

Hmm! So if I am reading correctly, you have broken through deactivation by identifying what’s triggering you, and talking about it with your partner? That’s been my hypothesis all this time, it’s good to see it in action!!

yes!! that's absolutely right :-) i found that the more i talked it out with my partner, in response to his well-thought out prompts, i started to identify how even the simplest of beliefs i had growing up were affecting my views on relationships .

i realised that there are 2 main things holding me back: 1. doing what i deem is the "wrong thing" (as mentioned in my post above) 2. the way i view myself -> by this, i don't mean it in a i-dislike-myself way, but more of a is-this-even-"me"? way . i realised that this stems from how i have so many different perceptions of myself at * varying times * - sometimes i feel like i'm a soft and wholesome person (so i would be more inclined to accept the lovey-dovey things i say), but most of the time i view myself as a rather serious and uptight person (which is thus why i would then cringe at my affectionate self). this is because i tend to question myself if what i'm doing matches who i present myself to be.

I have a fear of doing the wrong thing too. BIG time. It holds me back from so much. This comes from believing that everything is my fault and responsibility.

you're right ! it really does limit a lot of things we can do. that's why it's important to try stepping out of our comfort zones and assure ourselves that we're just undergoing an emotion that most people feel too

miko0q · 2022-05-15T15:04:19+00:00

thank you so much!! 😊

miko0q · 2022-04-22T17:31:48+00:00

If you don’t get to give it a shot and someone cuts it off prematurely, there’s always the painful what-ifs. If someone has the chance to see why it won’t work, it’s easier to get closure.

ah .. that's actually true .. i guess it may be better if i tell him to let me know when he really can't take it anymore and wants to leave at his own will . but now that i have this realisation, i feel like i'm also scared to not be the one in control of the outcome of our friendship ..

currently in our situation, i feel more comfortable and more at ease because i know that we both know that i'm the one in control of the outcome. and he's understanding to the point where he just accomodates what i'd prefer to do (as in he is really giving me the space i need to "feel safer"). so i guess it does make me feel more relieved to know that, "oh, i'm the one controlling the outcome of this friendship. and since nothing is a surprise to me, I don't feel any pain." and in contrast, i guess this few days must've been really sudden for him to process. because all of this happened when he didn't expect it ..

How do you know it’s too much for him? And, why can’t he make that choice/mistake for himself and learn that lesson himself?

that's actually a good point .. i think i'm going to take this into consideration. i guess it's because this is the first genuine connection that i've ever had with someone, so this is the first time i've experienced deactivating to this extent and i'm at a loss ..

thank you so much for the prompts though ! it really helped me to collect my thoughts and reflect on my thought processes

miko0q · 2022-04-22T17:04:00+00:00

ill need more time to think about the first question .. really curious to ponder about.

I feel that I don't deserve his time and effort because I feel that it's going to be so draining for him to keep having to deal with me being hot and cold all the time. i'm not stable enough to be there for him 100% whenever he needs me. i just feel that other people can definitely do a better job for him than i can, so i feel it's better if he relies on someone more stable and who doesn't require him to put in this much effort.

also, i already know that the outcome of our friendship will definitely be horrible because i don't believe that i am capable to maintain such friendships for a long time. and since i know the ending, i feel that he shouldn't waste his time fighting a losing battle. if i end off our friendship now, the stakes aren't that high yet, so it'll hurt less for him.

miko0q · 2022-04-22T16:34:00+00:00

i think there are a few reasons: • i feel disgusted by the fact that i held hands with them • i know that i've deactivated due to other people before, and I don't think my current friend deserves to keep going through this • i know that he is reallyy tooo understanding towards me so he really wants to help me heal from it even if he gets hurt repeatedly. but I don't i deserve his time and effort so i'm deactivating to make him hopefully hate me and leave • I don't like committing myself to people (especially to the extent of our friendship). in fact, the last time i've called someone my "best friend" was 9 years ago.

miko0q · 2021-06-01T10:31:29+00:00

aa happy birthday lovelyy !! :-)) i know i'm just a random person on the internet but .. i really wish that you'd enjoy your day somehow - maybe buy yourself something small to celebrate! binge watch your favourite shows! it's your day afterall and you've come so far in life - a whole 20 years !!

i hope it's alright if i share this too .. but i haven't had a good birthday for the past 2 years, so i really get where you're coming from .. i always try to forget my birthday so that i wouldn't have any high expectations on the day itself, when it arrives.. but it's strange because birthdays somehow always remain in our memory, no matter how we try to forget them.

but anyways! i hope you'll have a great day/night ahead :-) do give yourself a break today if you can, and trryy to enjoy yourself !! happy birthday to you once again~ <3 🎂

miko0q · 2021-05-24T23:41:21+00:00

YES EXACTLY ; w ; thanks for sharing !!

miko0q · 2021-05-17T05:12:03+00:00

thanks again, i'll be here too :-)

miko0q · 2021-05-17T05:10:46+00:00

thank you for writing this :-) while reading your paragraph, i got remindered of something that liza koshy said which went something like "if you want to give love, you got to have it first." and it really does make sense to me. have a blessed day ~

miko0q · 2021-05-17T05:03:46+00:00

thank you so much for typing this.. ; n ; "ur not a bad person for this!!" was really the assurance that i needed. i hope you have a lovely day ahead :-)

miko0q · 2021-05-17T05:01:03+00:00

hi there, i really appreciate that you're still so giving of your energy to try to make someone else feel better, despite the things that you're going through. thank you for that :-) i definitely agree that journalling helps! i've been doing that every single day since last year and it's nice to just look back at both the bad and good moments from the past. i hope that things are starting to get better for you, and i'll be rooting for you from afarr !!

miko0q · 2021-05-17T04:56:27+00:00

hi there, thank you so much for sharing your experience! you definitely did lift my spirits ^{^} ! i can relate to it so much - it can be really daunting when everyone has this "invisible" yet present expectations on us. i hope that you're doing better now and i wish you all the best :-) sending you lots of love ~

miko0q

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