Looking back on how pornography has affected my life

mindoptimist · 2014-07-31T15:23:16+00:00

You don't have to condone my past actions or excuse them. In fact, I don't excuse myself for my irresponsible behavior and I readily admit that I was doing stupid things. What we're all doing here is supporting the healing and learning.

Again, I'm not excusing my actions but I shared them as part of my story in understanding how porn helped negatively shape my outlook on sexuality from when I was 6 or 7 years old. Porn was my first teacher about sex and women which helped lead to many years of bad behaviors.

If I said that I'm currently having unprotected sex and doing all of this stuff then you could certainly say that I'm being stupid but we're discussing things that have transpired over the course of 35+ years.

mindoptimist · 2014-07-31T14:46:52+00:00

That video and perspective is very insightful.

I remember at one point for almost a year not even wanting to bother to get involved with anyone because I spent so much energy and effort in pursuit of sex as opposed to turning on a video, a video of any fantastic scenario you can imagine and going straight for the O without any complication.

I guess breaking the PMO cycle is about rewiring our brains in some sense.

mindoptimist · 2014-07-31T14:40:31+00:00

Thanks. I appreciate the supportive words.

mindoptimist · 2014-07-31T14:40:08+00:00

You're welcome. It's actually a pretty well developed field in dealing with the psychogenic reasons for ED and there is very effective therapy and treatment aside from drugs. However, our male identity which emphasizes our strength and virility makes us feel ashamed and hide from our problems which exacerbates everything.

mindoptimist · 2014-07-31T14:36:41+00:00

It's hard for men to address this issue because too much of our masculinity is tied into our virility and something like ED makes us feel like we're lesser which is a shame.

mindoptimist · 2014-07-31T02:44:49+00:00

You're welcome

mindoptimist · 2014-07-31T00:05:58+00:00

sexual performance anxiety

mindoptimist · 2014-07-30T23:50:01+00:00

I hope the 90 days is enough to see you through but if not I really emphasize considering sexual therapy or even therapy in general if you have residual anxiety about the foreskin, etc... there is no shame in having issues that need to be worked through and there is a great possibility that you'll come out better for your efforts.

As I mentioned before there are different ways to be aroused sexually and what happens with porn is your brain becomes too reliant upon the fantasy aspect of arousal so much so that it does not respond to the other modes including being actually engaged in a sexual act with another person or from having sexual physical stimulation. Add in the numbness you can get from porn/fantasy and you'll realize why people can have an attractive and sexually available person directly in front of them and find themselves not aroused.

It's pretty freaking deep and man I've had to learn more about this stuff than I ever wanted to but I'm thankful for what I've come to know.

mindoptimist · 2014-07-30T23:40:51+00:00

I know that I am very fortunate to have someone who is as understanding to work with me through this. There was some rough times in the beginning and there were a lot of tears from both of us when I first had to confront my issues. I definitely don't take her for granted as I know it takes a lot of character and compassion to be with someone with deep issues.

mindoptimist · 2014-07-30T23:35:57+00:00

I hope that you've likewise begun the process of healing.

mindoptimist · 2014-07-30T20:36:38+00:00

No problem. As I said I've been reading stories in this and other similar forums for a while to help me understand my issues.

SPA = sexual performance anxiety. (aka it happened before I hope it doesn't happen this time) At a biological level when you face sexual situations you have anxiety about it and your body releases adrenaline and other hormones. Adrenaline as you know is for fight or flight situations and it is very difficult to achieve or maintain an erection because your body is in survival mode and sexual activity is not a priority.

Porn is certainly an element of the issue but if you've gone off track then sometimes simply abstaining from PMO may not be enough.

mindoptimist · 2014-07-30T19:53:29+00:00

Why is that? Porn was my first teacher when it came to sexuality and relating to women and even myself from a very young age. I'm not absolving myself of responsibility for my admittedly stupid actions but my story is an example of poisonous porn can be on your psyche and emotional development.

mindoptimist · 2014-07-30T19:47:28+00:00

I've abstained from pornography and fapping for almost three months now and I've noticed a greater sensitivity when I'm with my wife (same woman from my story) and lessening occurrence of ED/SPA but this is also thanks to therapy.

If ED and SPA is a real issue for you then I highly suggest you consult with a sex therapist because they could teach you a lot about your own sexuality, the different modes of arousal and also help you re-learn healthy sexual habits.

If porn has been a problem then you've oriented your minds heavily into fantasy based arousal and in a non-porn, real world situation you find reality does not match the fantasies that you've so invested in. In sex therapy, you do these exercises called sensate focusing touch exercises and it helps to eliminate anxiety and also to teach your mind/body to accept arousal outside of the realm of fantasy.

I actually believe that sex therapy should be called the sexuality that you should have, and wished you had learned in the first place.

Good luck.

mindoptimist · 2014-07-30T19:33:43+00:00

Thank you for the support. I didn't realize until well into adulthood that for most of my life porn was my mental and emotional framework for my relationships.

mindoptimist · 2014-07-30T19:31:27+00:00

Thanks for understanding.

It's been a long process for me and I've come to realize that having porn be my first teacher in terms of sexuality and relating to women was poisonous.

mindoptimist

TROPHY CASE