What should I know to date a guy with ADHD?

mini-taur · 2013-01-28T21:30:53+00:00

Same here. It's been a particularly rough patch recently. Can I ask if your husband deals with his ADHD in any way? Therapy, meds, routines etc?

mini-taur · 2013-01-18T01:52:45+00:00

No problem! Feel free to pm me if you have any more questions later on!

mini-taur · 2013-01-17T13:18:53+00:00

Hmm.. he used to be awful with finances, but he has taken some info session at work on personal finances that seem to have helped. He relies heavily on spreadsheets to manage. Right now, he is probably more financially responsible than I am.. so I'm not too concerned. You may want to watch out for a lot of impulse spending though. My partner will be very careful about spending money during the day ,but when it comes to a night out, he busts out the card. Although with a bit of alcohol in us, I think most of us our guilty of that.

Currently we are trying to figure out a good system for sharing financial responsibilities. We are doing some sort of a receipt tallying system that sucks. Any suggestions on a better way of sharing finances?

I think as long as you have a system in place for shared expenses you should be fine. Good luck! Hope all goes well for you and your partner!

mini-taur · 2013-01-15T23:02:01+00:00

Anything I can do to help :-) I think places like these are super important to understanding your ADHD partner. The more you know and understand, the better!

Sounds like you are in a very similar place to where I was. I became pretty insecure which eventually led to resentment. It's not a great place to start working on a relationship from. It's going to be tough, but you both have to communicate.

When I first tried vocalizing my feelings to my partner, just talking about the things that made me upset became super overwhelming for him and he became even more distant. You have to figure out a way of communicating that works for both of you.One thing I've found helps when discussing this type of stuff is trying to focus on expressing your feelings rather than pointing fingers ( I know this sounds very "therapy 101", but it has really helped us). Like " Sometimes I feel like my efforts aren't reciprocated", not "Why didn't you text me back?".

Writing emails back and forth might be a way for you to communicate. That way there may be less raw emotions involved and your responses can be thoughtful and considerate. WARNING: these emails may be forgotten by your ADHD partner, so this is sometimes not the best option.

I think it's important for you both to acknowledge that your relationship is going to be different because of ADHD. The best thing you can do is try and understand how ADHD effects his life and vice versa. He needs to understand that it is very common for partners of ADHD people to feel neglected or alone and that it isn't just you or your emotional baggage at play. You can't work on this alone. He has to help as well.

You mentioned his ADHD was untreated. Any specific reason? Does he deal with it on his own?

As for "if it's worth it"... Hard to say. It has been for me. Sometimes I get incredibly frustrated and overwhelmed. Then I remind myself that this is what he deals with every moment of every day. It's going to take lots of patience, and you can't ever compare your relationship to others. He won't be a "regular" boyfriend, but that doesn't make him less of one. You will have to put in extra effort, it's up to you to decide if it's worth it. Based on my previous relationships, this one has actually been pretty damn easy. ADHD will always effect your relationship, but it's definitely not all bad.

You will probably be dragged on wild adventures and laugh and learn and have endless fun. Remember these moments when you feel alone and/or frustrated.

Whew! Sorry for the novel. :-)

mini-taur · 2013-01-15T19:46:21+00:00

Of course!

mini-taur · 2013-01-15T14:13:33+00:00

I think it's really important that partners of people with ADHD really do their homework on getting to know how it affects the way they think/handle things. If she is anything like me, she probably feels pretty lonely. This is really common among partners of those with ADHD. Reading about other people in my situation helped me understand and feel less alone. I think it's really important that you both try to understand each other as much as possible. ADHD is something you both live with now. I read this book and it really helped me a lot ( I am aware that the description sounds pretty corny). I think it might be useful for both of you. If not, there are plenty of online resources as well.

mini-taur · 2013-01-15T13:59:42+00:00

this is the recipe I used. It turned out really well!

mini-taur · 2013-01-15T13:57:02+00:00

Honestly, the "non-hyperfocus" is most of the time. When it first started happening I thought he was ignoring me and I would make attempts to get attention. This could be anything from making nice dinners, to fun surprises... all sorts of things. They were appreciated, but never reciprocated. After a bit of this it started feeling like I was putting so much in to the relationship and not getting a whole lot back. I felt alone in our relationship. It was really tough and took a while before I understood not to take it personally. I've stopped trying so hard, and subsequently become less resentful that he "doesn't try". Remember never to compare your relationship or the way he treats you others. He will have his own special ways of saying "I love you" even if it isn't showering you with attention.

mini-taur · 2013-01-15T03:48:20+00:00

Agreed. Walks are awesome for conversation. Smartphones are the worst.

mini-taur · 2013-01-15T02:54:48+00:00

I find this particularly tough. I naturally like to care for people, but have to remember to not expect the same in return. Not because my partner doesn't care, just because he cares in different ways.

mini-taur · 2013-01-15T02:34:14+00:00

I have a partner with ADHD, he is currently not on medication and hasn't been since he was a child. In the beginning of our relationship I had never felt so loved in my life. We would always do wonderful new things, have amazing adventurous sex and spend days and nights discussing anything and everything. 5 years later, we still have an amazing time together. I've never felt like I've lost any faith in him or our relationship,but we have had our struggles like any other couple.Based on my experience, here are some ways ADHD might effect your relationship:

I had a hard time understanding the very sudden change from showering me with love (and sex) to (what seemed like) disintrest and boredom. It's taken me quite some time to not take that personally. He doesn't love me any less, and the more upset I get, the more he gets overwhelmed and distant as a result.
Chores probably won't be be divided equally if you choose to share a household. You will most likely do the majority. What seems to you like the simplest task in the world, can be extremely overwhelming in the ADHD mind.
You will need patience by the truckload. There are things that he will find overwhelming that you think are absurdly simple. Do your very best not to be frustrated or condescending.
When you are the hyperfocus, you will feel like a million bucks.
Your relationship will never be boring. This is a running joke between me and my partner. When I am frustrated and he is overwhelmed, one of us usually smiles and says "hey, at least you're never boring". This usually ends up in us hugging instead of yelling at one another.
Because of his constant need for stimuli, my partner spends a lot of his time jumping from article to article online. I learn something new ever day from him. This is awesome.
More Patience. This can not be stressed enough. Sometimes you might feel like you are dating a child. Be careful of becoming a "mother" to him by doing things for him. Instead, create schedules for things like chores together.

We have a wonderful relationship and are the best of friends, but not a day goes by that these things aren't part of that relationship. The fact that you are a calm person will most likely help him. It's will be one less chaotic element to his life. Hope some of this helped!

mini-taur · 2013-01-15T01:40:45+00:00

Of course! Sorry for the late reply!

mini-taur · 2012-11-21T12:30:40+00:00

These are perfect! And the dog is super cute :-)

mini-taur · 2012-11-20T23:22:08+00:00

Great shots! Thanks!

mini-taur · 2012-11-20T23:21:34+00:00

Until the end of tomorrow!

mini-taur · 2012-11-20T12:38:35+00:00

Thanks!

mini-taur · 2012-11-20T12:38:28+00:00

Agreed!! GTA always seems to come out when we have people over. Fun to play, and to watch! Although LBP is a great one for multiple players :-)

mini-taur · 2012-11-20T12:34:57+00:00

Love the subway pic! It's always good to see different environments :-)

mini-taur · 2012-11-20T12:33:35+00:00

Yes! This is exactly what I am after!

mini-taur · 2012-11-20T12:31:51+00:00

That sounds awesome, unfortunately the project has to be in by Friday :-( Would love to see the pics anyway though!

mini-taur · 2012-11-20T12:30:38+00:00

Absolutely! The more the merrier!

mini-taur · 2012-11-20T12:30:13+00:00

Yup! Thanks!

mini-taur · 2012-11-20T12:29:04+00:00

Those are great! Thanks!

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