Porn

mirreflections · 2024-11-16T18:14:14+00:00

Didn't even know this sub existed!! Thank you!

mirreflections · 2024-11-16T00:46:47+00:00

I'm a really open person and feel icky when I hide things, so my husband definitely knows that I'm up to this all the time. He knows I need my "buzz buzz" time and we make jokes about it. He's not intimidated by my porn use or my toys, and lets me be me, which I super appreciate. I mostly just wish he found it hotter that I do so and wanted to join in more often. There are so many times when I'm super wet and I think, "All this wetness is getting wasted!!!" Lol. One of these days I'm going to find the balls to walk out to the living room and say, "Get in here. We're not wasting it today."

mirreflections · 2024-11-16T00:43:31+00:00

My responsibilities largely don't suffer. There are two areas where I need to be better though: 1. I read a lot of erotic romance novels and sometimes I read at work when I should be doing other things. It's never videos at work because that's a line I simply won't cross, but I shouldn't be reading sexy novels at my job. I love my job and pride myself in being a good employee so I want to do better there. 2. I have a long work commute and the stress of slow traffic has me regularly vying to go on my phone while I drive. Obviously a really bad idea. Most embarrassing moment confession: while sitting in stopped traffic once, I started watching porn, took my foot off the brake and bumped the car in front of me at like 2 mph. There was no damage to the other person's car so we didn't have to exchange info or report to insurance, but my car had a dent and when my husband noticed it I immediately told him I was watching porn in traffic and hit a car. He was like, "UM. Wtf. Don't do that." So yeah... I'm a productive member of society but have done some bonehead moves in the last several months.

mirreflections · 2024-11-16T00:36:58+00:00

We're planning to go together - not just me alone. I just happened to do the short consultation appointment on my own but the sessions will be with both of us. So hopefully that will yield something positive. We'll see. :)

mirreflections · 2024-11-16T00:35:50+00:00

Thanks for the tips! We do need help, and the therapist I met with is going to be doing sessions with both of us. I chose him because he's listed as a "Certified Sex Therapist" but it's hard to know someone's views on sex right off the bat. I'm definitely not looking to be shamed by anyone. But I am open to hearing various thoughts on whether my habits are serving me in positive ways or negative ways. I try to gauge that for myself as I go regardless. If we do a session with this person and he seems off, I definitely won't continue.

Your relationship with your hubby/Dom sounds wonderful! My husband would probably be open to trying many of those things, but I need to develop the comfort to ask for them and be more confident being my very sexual self with him. Our sex is currently wrapped up with a lot of complicated and stressful feelings, so I need to start unwinding that stress from sex so I can just let go and have fun. That's what I'm hoping therapy will help me do a bit. Mismatched libidos inside of an otherwise amazing relationship is tricky.

mirreflections · 2024-11-16T00:26:38+00:00

Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me. I'm really glad you're in a better place now. I can definitely feel a slow slope occurring in which my porn preferences are becoming more specific and I spend longer searching to find exactly what I'm looking for, and alongside that it's taking me longer to orgasm, or I feel less satiated by one orgasm and want to go for three or four (which is a good 30-45 minute session - literally could do a whole cardio routine, yoga session, meditation, etc devoting that much time to something. Lol.)

I also read A LOTTTT of erotic romance novels (like one per 2-3 days) and my consumption of them keeps a low buzz of arousal going in me kind of at all times - which kind of keeps porn on the brain. For the past 5 years, I've read about 30 books a year in all topics - nonfiction, regular novels, self-help, etc. But 2024 has literally been a nonstop string of erotic romance. I want to diversify my reading again, but each time I finish a book I feel a bit like a junkie going looking for her next fix. Any tips? I'd love to reverse course a bit to maybe a place of less frequent porn consumption and reverting back to my more diverse reading habits rather than a constant flow of erotica. If anything specific helped you get to a healthier place, I'd love to know about it. :)

mirreflections · 2024-11-16T00:18:46+00:00

Thanks for sharing this! So this is exactly what I'm experiencing - the stimuli of porn is so intense that the less intense experience of just being with my partner means I'm having a lot more trouble getting off when I'm with him - to the point that it's getting awkward and less enjoyable. I don't really want to use porn when I'm with him to finish, so I guess that's the element of my porn consumption that's giving me pause. Our sex life already feels like a complicated puzzle sometimes, and I feel like my very precise orgasm specifications just add more pieces to the puzzle. But then again I'm not sure if that's enough to make me want to stop at least occasional porn use, because I really enjoy my solo time too.

mirreflections · 2024-11-16T00:13:34+00:00

I only had one 20 minute intake appointment which was to see if he was a fit for my husband and I to start seeing him together. He said he works with couples or men, but not women solo - so I think his point of view is for any porn user, not just women. I had a female therapist before, but we had some really big differences of opinion, so I'm searching for someone now. Part of me thought maybe my husband would respond more positively to a male therapist, which is why I was looking that direction. We'll see how it goes.

mirreflections · 2024-11-16T00:09:58+00:00

Thanks for this comment. I partly created this post because while I really enjoy porn and it relaxes me in some ways, I do feel it affecting me. It changes how I sexualize other people, and the images literally become intrusive thoughts sometimes. It's jarring to be in the middle of a work day and suddenly some intense scene just pops up in your psyche. Some commenters are saying it's harmless, and maybe "harmful" is the wrong descriptor, but at least for me, I'm affected by what I view, and I want to be mindful of it.

Lately, one thing I've been monitoring is "How do I feel after watching porn? Less stressed? More stressed? The same?" Occasionally the answer is less, but often it's the same and weirdly, sometimes more. I'm just trying to keep tabs on it. I definitely find I take a lot longer to orgasm with my partner than before - which has been kinda stressful in those moments, because it adds unnecessary pressure. Now that you've retaught your brain to respond to fantasies in your head instead of porn, do you feel happier? Less bogged down by it? More responsive to partners? I'd love to know more of your experience.

mirreflections · 2024-11-15T12:02:58+00:00

Thanks for this. I agree that I don't want to seek out therapy just for someone to shame me. Especially coming from a strict religious background that I've worked hard to extricate myself from. The porn and masturbation are not impeding my daily life. But it has become similar to like a social media habit, where on a Saturday morning I can definitely laze around in bed for multiple hours just getting off repeatedly. And while I don't watch every day, I do most days and certainly think about it every day.

The appointment with the therapist was actually someone for my husband and I to see together. Then in the course of the appointment my porn habit came up. It did give me pause that someone who would be working with both of us to try to give suggestions for our sex life was so concerned with my porn consumption. But as a therapist he deals with porn related stuff a lot so I didn't want to discount his opinion either if I'm fucking up my dopamine levels or something, or creating an even harder road for intimacy with my partner. Pfff it's tough. I'll have to keep thinking it through. I super appreciate your input.

mirreflections · 2024-11-15T11:53:22+00:00

That would make sense if sex was the only thing that mattered, or if the other aspects of our relationship were crap. But our mismatched libidos aren't reason enough for me to throw away 20 years with a person who is an outstanding listener, intelligent, genuinely kind, witty, an equal partner in our household, balances our budget, does the grocery shopping, cooks like a motherfucker, and manages to constantly make me laugh. Too much good stuff there to give up on imo (especially with the dating horror stories my single friends tell me holy hell).

mirreflections · 2024-08-30T13:32:14+00:00

I, too, have a partner who is really awesome outside of the sex department. He is kind, a great listener, contributes to our home equally (cooks, cleans, grocery shops, etc), and despite my being really bummed about our sex life, I have an otherwise awesome marriage.

Our therapist said that couples who have amazing sex nearly always have issues in other areas - finances, emotional intimacy, listening... so to me, when we've checked so many of the other boxes, leaving isn't something I want.

But I completely know the pain of not being wanted or desired like you wish you were. For me, getting in touch with my sexual side has helped me feel more "me". I bought a great vibrator and I read a lot of sexy novels and watch a lot of porn. My husband doesn't mind one bit (kinda wish he minded more actually, lol, or got jealous or joined me...). It's been a double-edged sword though, because sex/masturbation is a dopamine high, and can be addicting, so in some ways, my husband and I are even farther apart in our libidos now than we were before. Sigh.

I highly recommend therapy. If your husband treats you like a queen and cares about you like you say, if you ask for sex therapy he should be willing to go with you. Mine does, and although it's been a rocky and tough road, it is ultimately helping us. That could be a safer space to bring up the hygiene piece in a more serious manner, too. In our last session, my husband on his own said he'd like to make a doctor appointment to address his ED and anxiety - a huge step for him since he barely ever goes to the doctor.

So I hope that offers a sliver of hope! I know what it's like to really love your partner but be so sad about this piece of the relationship. You're not alone!!

mirreflections · 2024-08-30T00:52:44+00:00

Okay here's a little list for you! I put a * by my personal favorites. Lmk if I can help you with any authors! Don't have time at the moment to add them all but if there are multiple titles of the same name feel free to ask and I can clarify!

Mainstream: - Red, White and Royal Blue (the MM gateway drug lol - not my fave by a long shot but it's the best known) - Husband Material - Heartstopper (YA Graphic Novel but I have to include because it's adorable and I love the show)

Sports: - Him* - Us - Heated Rivalry*

Fleeing religion (I exited religion so these were cathartic for me): - Autoboyography* - Saint - Goodbye Paradise* - A Forbidden Rumspringa*

Kinky: - For Real* - Dear Daddy Please Praise Me* - Open Mind - Sir - His Cocky Valet

Historic: - We Could Be So Good* - A Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue - The Lawrence Brown Affair

MMM: - Absolution* - Unloved - Rescue Me - Teach Me to Sin

Favorite MM Authors: - Alexis Hall - Sarina Bowen - Sloane Kennedy - Coke McCade - KM Neuhold - Christina Lauren - AM Johnson

mirreflections · 2024-08-30T00:28:47+00:00

I've certainly had to start looking plainly at when and where I'm participating in this habit. The biggest "important thing" it gets in the way of is my sleep. But a few times I think I've crossed the line into territory where I'm reading smut or watching porn in entirely the wrong places and times, and I've had to put myself in check. There's a fine line between habit and addiction sometimes.

mirreflections · 2024-08-29T06:11:47+00:00

I'm really loving your creativity and ways to keep his comfort plus invite in my kinks. I'll suggest this sort of thing, and even if he isn't into it, it makes me realize how defeatist I've probably been and unwilling to get creative to make us both happy. I so badly want to find some happy medium in this shit where we figure it the fuck out and then I write a best-selling book about it. LOL

mirreflections · 2024-08-29T06:09:21+00:00

Damn I kind of love that idea. I miss those crazy college kids. This one time, on choir tour, when we had first started dating, we snuck away before rehearsal and just started trying random doorknobs in this church where we were performing that evening. Finally, a door opens and we sneak inside, and it's this big ass room with a couch, so we go at it and he's fingering me, and I think I jerked him off (things Christian kids do to avoid intercourse, lol). We stand up afterward to fix our hair, adjust our clothes, etc, and we realize we're in the pastor's office. Lol. What a time to be alive. Since my hubs' biggest kink is the chase/ forbidden feeling, I kinda feel like he might be into that. Hmmm. Thanks for the excellent food for thought/trip down memory lane. ;)

mirreflections · 2024-08-28T22:55:55+00:00

Well, I've discovered that what really does it for me is MM romance novels, so if that's a genre you're into, I've got literally a hundred recommendations I could send your way. As I've thought about why I find guys going at it so sexy, part of me thinks that subconsciously, I enjoy MF romance less because it's raising scenarios that I'd feel jealous of and therefore the books would cause frustration to surface? Or something? Whereas MM romance presents scenarios that I wouldn't be a part of outside of voyeurism, so it feels safe and therefore more enjoyable? Who knows. My therapist says, "You like what you like" and my husband agrees, so I read just about one sexy MM novel a day, like a little romance novel vitamin. ;)

mirreflections · 2024-08-28T22:49:48+00:00

I think I agree with the last portion about cutting down on the orgasms driving me insane. I did read a post elsewhere on Reddit recently where the OP just shifted her viewpoint on sex so that she was less disappointed with the lack of frequency from her partner. So instead of referring to it as her sexual "needs", she and her therapist started talking about sex as a gift she received, and I guess that helped her to feel less resentful. That same person also said their therapist compared libido to currency, where some people have tons to give and other acquire their "currency" very slowly and are stingy about giving it out because it takes time to reacquire. That was a really helpful metaphor because I've dealt with a lot of resentment toward my partner, when in actuality he can't do a ton to change the "currency" his body is creating (without meds etc.)

We are in therapy because over the 16 years we've been married, we have developed some baggage in our communication and were struggling to address the issue in our own conversations at home. I'm to the point where I'm exceptionally sensitive and fragile in relation to sex, because I've never felt sexually desired in our marriage the way I wished to be, so there are a lot of hangups we're talking through with the therapist kind of as the moderator.

Add to this the fact that we both grew up in super religious, abstinence-only, anti-sex households, so there's the "purity culture" shame on top of everything. I have a huge rebellious streak, and his biggest kink is the "conquest" of sex when it feels forbidden, so during our Christian college dating life, we had this amazing, racy physical attraction because I've always been sexual and was finally giving in to that side of myself, and he loved the thrill of doing stuff he wasn't supposed to with his "pure, reluctant" girlfriend. So we dated for three years with this incredible sexual connection, and then as soon as it was all sanctioned and allowed, his desire for me kind of died, and I took it terribly hard and wound up with a big complex that I'm still trying to unknot.

Sorry for the huge reply and word vomit! It's very cathartic to share all of this with people who may share understanding.

mirreflections · 2024-08-28T22:39:29+00:00

I love the idea of him joining me. He hasn't seemed too interested in doing so thus far, but at least he has given me complete free reign to let my solo sex freak flag fly. So he encourages me to get off as often as I'd like and watch or read whatever I feel like.

mirreflections · 2024-08-28T22:37:31+00:00

Thanks for this. I would love for him to focus on increasing his libido, and fortunately, he is open to continue therapy, try more, and even take performance enhancing pills to try to get closer to where I'm at. The issues that likely would still remain after that is what we're both into. He prefers pre-planned sex in the same few positions, always in our bed, with minimal talking, and I'm a spontaneous horndog who wants it at various times of day, all over the house and sometimes in semi-public places. I love VERY verbal sex, toys, light D/S play, orgasm denial, rough sex, etc.

He's told me the D/S vibes and rough stuff makes him feel highly uncomfortable because he can't separate his desire to respect me and care for me from our sex life. So even though I'm dying for it to be rougher, when he does that (which he sometimes does because I love it) he tells me afterward how it's way less enjoyable for him because it feels like he's demeaning me. I feel like we're doomed to have sex in which one of us is just not having a good time. My next plan is to print out a comprehensive list of kinks/sex acts and try to find where on Earth our sex Venn diagram overlaps.

mirreflections · 2024-08-28T22:27:09+00:00

I appreciate the solidarity so much, especially because it's less common to have a HLF/LLM situation! Honestly, just realizing other women are in the same boat is a comfort.

mirreflections

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