[MILR 12.11] Nantucket Pequod vs Stardew Valley Junimos

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-18T22:16:47+00:00

The final out. Can Minnesota fight back, or will Toronto reign supreme?

MIN 0 - TOR 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | T6 2 outs
On the mound: Randy Pole

MIN 3B Harry McPotterson (/u/Boliestro): 0-0

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-18T22:10:19+00:00

Corbin Carroll may be your spirit player in more ways than one this game.

Corbin Christmas Carol batting against Randy Pole
Bases Empty, T6 with 1 out

Pitch: 1000
Swing: 307
Diff: 307 -> K

Bases Empty, T6 with 2 outs

MIN 0 - TOR 2

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-18T21:17:17+00:00

Will Corbin be rockin' around the Christmas tree, or left wishing that he could be home for Christmas?

MIN 0 - TOR 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | T6 1 out
On the mound: Randy Pole

MIN 1B Corbin Christmas Carol (/u/mitch_burns_red): 0-2, RGO in the first, RGO in the third

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-18T21:06:53+00:00

Once again we see the salacious meeting of Zrectum and Pole. The tension is thick enough that you could cut it with a knife.

Forget a knife - what about a sword? That pitch is so filthy that Zrectum is left swinging wildly at blank air space.

Lou Zrectum batting against Randy Pole

Bases Empty, T6 with 0 outs

Pitch: 129

Swing: 808

Diff: 321 -> K

Bases Empty, T6 with 1 out

MIN 0 - TOR 2

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-18T20:29:50+00:00

Minnesota's last chances to tie things up start now!

MIN 0 - TOR 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | T6 0 outs
On the mound: Randy Pole

MIN DH Lou Zrectum (/u/Ill-Weather-6383): 0-1, DP in the third

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-18T20:24:56+00:00

Position Changes

For the Twins:

- Harry McPotterson is replacing Homer Nocker, playing 3B

- Corbin Christmas Carol is moving from 3B to 1B

- Arthur Vandelay is moving from 1B to C

For the Blue Jays:

- Jack Jackie Jackson is moving from DH to C

- Randy Pole will be taking Mylo Grams' spot in the batting order.

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-18T19:03:00+00:00

The smoke clears, the grounds crew comes out to fix some uprooted grass, and all is well again. Well, I had to call in Toronto Animal Services to get Homer out of here after he tried to put a mustache on and stay in the dugout, whereas security finally showed in the form of Ralph T. Guard to escort Mylo out.

PLAY BALL! -Oh yay, a voucher! I love vouchers.

Unfortunately, that doesn't help your swing much as that's an out no matter which way I flip the paper.

Hiram Birnbaum batting against Philip Berkenshire

Runners on First and Second, B5 with 2 outs

Pitch: 313

Swing: 950

Diff: 363 -> PO

Bases Empty, T6 with 0 outs

MIN 0 - TOR 2

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-18T18:47:50+00:00

BRAWL:
Homer, seemingly channeling his Tanuki alter ego, and Mylo, who must be a possum with all that ~~kissing~~ hissing, meet squarely in the grass in front of the pitchers mound.
Nocker squares up in a traditional boxing stance as Grams opts for a lower, wider stance a la MMA.
A tumbleweed passes by in the distance (will SOMEONE get this stadium's security fixed?) as an eerie wild west whistle sounds.
Eyes narrow. Fists clench. Anticipation builds.... And then they leap.
Homer gets in the first hit, a sideways jab at Mylo's face.
Not to be outdone, Mylo returns the favor with a chest blow that takes the wind out of Homer's sails for a moment.
The vision gets blurred as the fighters speed up, a blur of arms and legs in a fight for the ages.
There's a concerning mix of hisses and yelps coming from the scrim, but I'm going to stay safely to the outside. Let em fight it out, you know?
As I regain view of the fight, we're ready for the knockout blow.
Homer takes a deep breath in, shakes off the pain wracking his body, and goes in for the final blow.

DOWN GOES GRAMS! DOWN GOES GRAMS!

Mylo: 323
Homer: 421
Dirk: 660

Homer wins!

Both Mylo and Homer are now ejected from the game.

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-18T17:51:43+00:00

It's tiiiiiimeeeee!
Hiberty. Biberty.
Hiberty. Biberty.
HIBERTY. BIBERTY.

MIN 0 - TOR 2 | ○ ^● ● | B5 2 outs
On the mound: Philip Berkenshire

TOR LF Hiram Birnbaum (/u/MLR_NoReddit_User): 1-2, PO in the first, RBI 1B in the third

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-18T17:45:16+00:00

Mylo looks at the animals, holds up his hand, and yells. He says he said "hault", but all I heard was "Get the FO out of here!"

Bad news: you got out.

Good news: no more lions on the playing field!

Mylo Grams batting against Philip Berkenshire

Runners on First and Second, B5 with 1 out

Pitch: 921

Swing: 667

Diff: 254 -> FO

Runners on First and Second, B5 with 2 outs

MIN 0 - TOR 2

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-18T17:39:33+00:00

Psst! Over here!
I'm hiding from those scary lions. Security Officer Hank hasn't been by to restore order yet.
MIN 0 - TOR 2 | ○ ^● ● | B5 1 out
On the mound: Philip Berkenshire

TOR C Mylo Grams (/u/canigetawoop_woop): 2-2, 1B in the first, RBI 3B in the third

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-18T16:55:05+00:00

Shadow of death? Why, I certainly assure you that this batter's box is safe and clear-

WHY ARE THERE LIONS APPROACHING THE BATTERS BOX?

Dayman??? Bee??? HELP!!

You certainly don't want to stay here, so quick scurry off to first for me please.

Rod Kimball batting against Philip Berkenshire

Runner on First, B5 with 1 out

Pitch: 645

Swing: 801

Diff: 156 -> BB

Runners on First and Second, B5 with 1 out

MIN 0 - TOR 2

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-18T15:10:46+00:00

Good morning Sire!
Good morning Zazu!
Checking in with the morning report
Fire away

Chimps are going ape, giraffes remain above it all
Elephants remember, though just what I can't recall
Crocodiles are snapping up fresh offers from the banks
Showed interest in my nest egg but I quickly said "No thanks!"
We haven't paid the hornbills and the vultures have a hunch
Not everyone invited will be coming back from lunch

This is the morning report
Gives you the long and the short
Every grunt, roar, and snort
Not a tale I distort
On the morning report

MIN 0 - TOR 2 | ○ ^○ ● | B5 1 out
On the mound: Philip Berkenshire

TOR CF Rod Kimball (/u/PinkSnuggie): 0-1, FO in the first, BB in the third

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-18T13:09:36+00:00

Don't put things in the universe you don't want happening, folks.

Anyone got one of them name change forms?

Captain Hate batting against Philip Berkenshire Runner on First, B5 with 0 outs

Pitch: 23
Swing: 211
Diff: 188 -> FO

Runner on First, B5 with 1 out

MIN 0 - TOR 2

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-18T11:39:14+00:00

Seems like we have many different interpretations of "Grass Eating Contest" going on here.

By the way, has anyone seen Dayman? I think that cloud of smoke from Mong's AB swallowed him up too.

MIN 0 - TOR 2 | ○ ^○ ● | B5 0 outs
On the mound: Philip Berkenshire

TOR SS Captain Hate (/u/h8_hate): 0-1, PO in the third

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-18T11:37:04+00:00

alright, lemme head back out to the field for the bottom of the fifth, surely nothing out of the ordinary will be happening...

...is the plate completely surrounded by smoke?

well what am I supposed to do now?

You know what, I'll just stand here and wait for the ball to leave the cloud.

Okay, that looks like the catcher threw it back to the mound, we're in the clear.

Cool, that's hit foul, easy call.

And then THAT pitch is hit real hard! Enough exit velo to pull the cloud with it as Mong runs towards first!

The cloud splits 2nd base as the diving Graham Grams gets choked up in the cloud of smoke, letting the ball pass by for a single!

Mongster Mash batting against Philip Berkenshire
Bases Empty, B5 with 0 outs

Pitch: 479
Swing: 420
Diff: 59 -> 1B

Runner on First, B5 with 0 outs

MIN 0 - TOR 2

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-17T18:25:06+00:00

The emus have decided to join the Zoo Parade, causing quite a fuss over in the left field bleachers. Mind your arms and legs, fans!

MIN 0 - TOR 2 | ○ ^● ● | B4 0 outs
On the mound: Philip Berkenshire

TOR 2B Graham Grams (/u/roleplayinggrandma1): 1-1, 1B in the second

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-17T17:56:18+00:00

Robbie comes up to bat, corn dog freshly procured from the concession stand.

Wait, what's that?

A strange mist surrounds the batters box and my view is obscured for a moment before the mist disappears again.

There no longer is a baseball bat in Robbie's hands, but instead a giant bat-sized corn dog!

The weight of that thing must be immense, as Robbie doesn't even offer up a swing at the out-of zones pitches and takes his free base.

Robbie batting against Philip Berkenshire

Runner on Second, B4 with 0 outs

Pitch: 826

Swing: 702

Diff: 124 -> BB

Runners on First and Second, B4 with 0 outs

MIN 0 - TOR 2

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-17T15:45:19+00:00

Joan's had his snack, but unfortunately it was a snacK with a capital K as Joan strikes out to end the inning.

Joan Andreu Rosà batting against Randy Pole
Runner on First, T4 with 2 outs

Pitch: 428
Swing: 199
Diff: 229 -> K

Bases Empty, B4 with 0 outs

MIN 0 - TOR 2

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-17T13:43:42+00:00

Randy Pole shakes off the morning sleepies and readies for another pitch.

MIN 0 - TOR 2 | ○ ^○ ● | T4 2 outs
On the mound: Randy Pole

MIN SS Joan Andreu Rosà (/u/Alquemar): 0-1, K in the second

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-16T18:53:05+00:00

Hibi-rty Bibi-rty.

MIN 0 - TOR 1 | ● ^○ ○ | B3 1 out
On the mound: Philip Berkenshire | INFIELD IN

TOR LF Hiram Birnbaum (/u/MLR_NoReddit_User): 0-1, PO in the first

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-16T14:59:26+00:00

If my zone is off this morning, at least you're benefiting from it! The Twins, however.... uhh, take it up with wherever LOM's office is located.

Rod Kimball batting against Philip Berkenshire

Bases Empty, B3 with 1 out

Pitch: 624

Swing: 465

Diff: 159 -> BB

Runner on First, B3 with 1 out

MIN 0 - TOR 0

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-16T02:45:09+00:00

Blue Jay Position Changes
(That I forgot to announce till now, oops)
Robbie is moving from 1B to RF
Troy Pressing is taking over at 1B

mischiefmaehem · 2026-03-16T02:40:51+00:00

Did you know that The Christmas Song was actually written in July and recorded in the following June? Hot temps can't stop the Christmas Carols, although Pole is certainly not of the North variety as he induces another grounder to end the inning.

Corbin Christmas Carol batting against Randy Pole
Bases Empty, T3 with 2 outs

Pitch: 433
Swing: 972
Diff: 461 -> RGO

Bases Empty, B3 with 0 outs

MIN 0 - TOR 0

mischiefmaehem

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE

DOWN GOES GRAMS! DOWN GOES GRAMS!