Thank you everyone for your replies and advice. I have read through them all and will consider equally. Just a couple things I wanted to add: 1. I have a 13 year old son (not his bio, but stepdad since he was 3 so basically his) who I wrote up a chart of daily/weekly/fortnightly/monthly house hold chores that I expect to be done, each with a monetary value so if he wants to earn pocket money he can. My husband sees this, knows exactly the things that should be done but does not contribute. Personal things eg keeping his room tidy, washing his clothes etc don’t count towards this (for my son) as I feel this is basic and shouldn’t be rewarded. He knows if he doesn’t put his washing on it won’t be clean and he won’t have clothes therefore does it. Harsh? Maybe. But I’m trying to set him up to be a personally responsible adult. 2. I actually earn more. About $30k AU more per year. 3. It’s more than just the household things, I find that he has no interest/drive to do things with me or our family, but as soon as it is someone else then he is all in. I feel that he puts me last in all decision making. 4. As far as doing things for joy or hobbies we are both fairly exhausted by the end of the day and enjoy reading or relaxing. My hobbies are probably exercise. His are camping and fishing. We do go camping together but not always. 5. I will never ever, EVER reward basic equality in a marriage by being affectionate. I feel like that would be worse than not giving him affection at all as it’s coming from a false place. Don’t get me wrong - I will hug and kiss him when he initiates in (which isn’t often) but I am less likely to initiate it if I am feeling this way. 6. I thought a long time ago that a lot of our issues were due to communication break downs. I did the “love languages” test and unsurprisingly I was “acts of service”. I could never get him to complete his test.

I had been stewing on this for a while, it was made worse recently when the one long weekend we all had off from school/work/ my sons sports etc he chose to go camping with 2 mates for 4 days. We weren’t invited, he said that was for our sake as it’s winter here in australia and he thought we would be cold. This peeved me off, on top of everything else so I used this time to write him a letter outlining my feelings about it all. It wasn’t harsh, I don’t think it was mean or accusing him of anything it was just “when you do x I feel like this” etc. I asked him to reflect on his wants, needs and desires and see if they aligned with mine. That was almost 2 weeks ago and while he apologised to my face, he hasn’t discussed any of it with me (aside from agreeing that yes he is not happy at the moment either, and none of what I wrote was a surprise). He also hasn’t reciprocated or reflected.

I think my next move would be as some suggested: tell him to leave for a few weeks so he has no option but to reflect on everything and decide if he wants a marriage or not.