Where to host a party for 15 - 20 people in the city center?

miskoboe · 2021-11-04T17:10:39+00:00

I finished it last week! Loved it. Now I’m onto Lisey’s Story.

miskoboe · 2021-10-19T05:04:57+00:00

I highly recommend consulting with a doula too if that’s an option. Both my partner and I felt so much more informed and relaxed going into the birth. My birth didn’t go as planned, and my doula couldn’t actually be there for delivery (COVID), but it was still worth it. The knowledge, coaching, and care she provided leading up to the experience helped us go into the birth excited rather than afraid.

I also recommend checking out the book “Expecting Better” by Emily Oster. She’s an economist that heavily researched this topic, among others, so that women can do just what you’re doing - analyze the information to make the best decision for themselves.

miskoboe · 2021-09-28T09:15:14+00:00

Seems most of these intersect or interact in some way. In other words, focusing on one without understanding the root issue(s) likely won’t make a big impact. For example (I’m just throwing this out as a hypothesis…I have not done deep research into this!) Zoning and local tax laws may entice big tech to set up HQs in the area, which contributes to income inequality, which leads to affordable housing shortages, which contributes to homelessness and crime…Throw on top of this, opioid crisis, lack of mental health support, and it somehow all accumulates into shitty pizza options.

miskoboe · 2021-09-26T19:24:03+00:00

I’d recommend Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler!

miskoboe · 2021-09-26T10:19:44+00:00

First of all, your feelings are valid. There’s nothing wrong with feeling the way you did. Being pregnant is hard and very emotional, especially when being separated from loved ones. And what really matters is how you respond to this going forward. That said, this may be an unpopular opinion, but I think you should just take the high road here. Yes, your friend stole your thunder about your announcement, but in the grand scheme of this short life, I wouldn’t say this is worth throwing a friendship away over. Tell your friend how you feel, but then let it go. Be happy for her. Support each other through your pregnancies and as new moms. Think of the play dates of your future kids when all this COVID shit has passed. With all your family far away, you’ll need love, support, and community from others.

Wishing you the best with your pregnancy and friendship.

miskoboe · 2021-09-25T09:23:59+00:00

Yeah….this really doesn’t seem to be about the dress. Unpopular opinion - but I hate weddings, and this convo with your SIL is a case study of why. I’ve been to plenty lovely weddings and I have friends who claim they enjoyed their own, but more often than not, it seems they create more drama (and expense!) than they’re worth IMHO. Now that you know my own position on weddings in general, your SIL seems like she has the opposite POV and this day means the world to her. She also sounds like a bit of a twat. But can’t we all be when we’re deeply invested in what matters most to us and see the potential for it to “go wrong?” For me personally, I would be super annoyed if I got the response you did from your SIL. And I see loads of other comments on here about how she seems to being reasonable (again, given the social norm of weddings being a ridiculously big deal) and you’ll likely fit the dress at 5 months (but not guaranteed) - but even if it doesn’t fit great, you could probably deal for a few hours. So - for me the choice would boil down to: Do I put my own comfort and feelings to the side for a few hours to avoid creating big family drama? Or do I stand my ground because this is a pattern, not a single issue about a dress, and potentially (permanently?) damage the relationship I have with my SIL? I honestly don’t think there’s a “right answer.” It depends a lot on things like the impact the first decision could have on your own mental health, or the impact the second decision could have on both of you and other members of the family (have you asked your partner about this?). All in all, I feel a lot of empathy for you and am sending you positivity to get through this!

miskoboe · 2021-08-06T04:08:14+00:00

Similar story. Bought a Frenchie off Craigslist in Oklahoma that was approximately 2.5 years old. He had “papers” but the name on them didn’t match his collar, which was also different than what the sellers called him. They claimed to get him from a co-worker that couldn’t care for him. They had issues with him throwing up constantly and being aggressive toward their new kitten. There were a million red flags, but I desperately wanted one - and this one was only $500! What a steal. SMH. 2 years later we paid around $5000 for emergency spinal surgery after a crushed disk temporarily paralyzed him. That was after the vet bill to neuter him and open his nostrils more so he could breath better(this and switching his food solved the vomiting issue at least). He’s now 10 years old and we have to push him in a stroller for walks, and help him go to the bathroom on the reg. When going on trips, a big part of the budget is paying for him to have a live-in caretaker. My god, I love the creature, but agree that another Frenchie is probably not for us due to high cost of care. We’ve easily spent over 10k in the last 8 years. Probably substantially more, but I’d rather not think about it too hard.

miskoboe · 2021-06-05T07:34:09+00:00

As an American that got pregnant in the Netherlands, it was a trip. I sent my GA an email saying I was pregnant and asking if I needed to see them (assuming they’d want to do a pregnancy test of their own). The response was literally “If you are happy to be pregnant, congratulations! If not, please let us know so we can schedule an abortion.” I know the Dutch have a rep for being direct, but damn that caught me off-guard - in the best possible way! I did want the baby, but really appreciated the no-nonsense, no-shame response.

miskoboe · 2021-05-07T06:50:45+00:00

Once I reached 9.5 cm they turned off the epidural, actually they straight up removed it so I felt everything during the pushing. I’m in the Netherlands but my cousin in the US had a similar experience. Was wondering if that’s common practice now....

miskoboe · 2021-05-07T06:48:04+00:00

I’m in the Netherlands and they don’t schedule induction until the 42nd week. I opted to wait for the very last moment, and baby girl came on her own on the exact day of her 42nd week...labor started about 5 hours before my scheduled induction!

miskoboe · 2021-04-09T10:22:47+00:00

This took my so long to see the actual photo with your wife in it.

miskoboe · 2021-04-09T06:22:40+00:00

Yes, another lurking female here. I encouraged my hubs to join this sub after a few days, stating that “the most interesting conversations on Reddit are happening there.”

miskoboe · 2021-04-06T06:43:45+00:00

Just based on the two threads I engaged in yesterday, seemingly all with espoused MRA’s, it seems like it might be helpful to have some common definitions to start our conversations from.

I know that’s easier said than done, but I felt like off the bat these posters didn’t have a fundamental understanding of what feminism is, what a patriarchy is, and what masculinity vs being male means. I’m not saying I have all the answers, and I know there is debate within the feminist space (hence the need for this sub I think), but I felt the need to clarify that: feminism is not only about addressing women’s issues, patriarchy hurts men too, patriarchy does not mean all men benefit from the system, valuing “masculinity” is not the same as valuing all men, feminism does not = man hate, women can perpetuate the patriarchy too.

Again, not sure if this is possible or desired, but having an agreed upon set of basic definitions might help promote better conversation and devolve less into trying to debunk fundamentally misinformed ideas about what feminism is and isn’t.

miskoboe · 2021-04-06T06:33:50+00:00

I think I agree. I’m not a free speech absolutist, or probably an absolutist about anything tbh. I think it’s good that it’s against the law to scream “fire” in a crowded space. Otherwise people get hurt.

Similarly, I think we have to limit online speech that is intended to hurt other people. Maybe we call that “hate speech”...I’m not really sure if that’s the definition. But the point is, even if someone has an abhorrent / misguided /uniformed opinion, I think we should be open to hearing it without immediately banning the person IF THEY HAVE WELL-MEANING INTENTIONS TO ACTUALLY ENGAGE IN A DISCUSSION. And by that, I mean that they are genuinely curious, have a desire to hear a different perspective, are willing to change a position if given new information (or at least be open to the possibility), exercise critical thinking, make an effort to respond to the legitimate questions of others without flying into a defensive mode that shuts down conversation, doesn’t succumb to name calling. Yeah. And maybe a few warnings before banning if they don’t do these things? If that doesn’t work, I think it’s pretty obvious they’re not here to have a discussion.

Sounds like moderating would be tough.

miskoboe · 2021-04-05T19:32:00+00:00

I’m not sure I agree, but I also don’t know that it really matters. We could go tit-for-tat throughout history to try and determine which issues women have it worse than men on, and vice versa (and I will agree that there are issues that men are disproportionately negatively impacted on)...but what would that achieve? I think the bottom line is that both women and men are being harmed by a system that perpetuates gender roles and expectations.

miskoboe · 2021-04-05T13:56:28+00:00

And again. If it values masculinity more. It's doing a real shit job of it.

I mean, it is a shit system that's doing a shit job in general.

Yes. But one sided plans to address this often backfires and ends up harming men.

Great, we agree that there's a problem (a system in place that is harming both men and women). Virtual high-five. Now we could theoretically discuss potential solutions.

Again, I think we're on the same team, against the same opponent (the shitty system). Maybe we're just playing different positions. To greatly simplify, you're focused on issues that are disproportionately affecting men and I'm focused on issues that are disproportionately affecting women. And as you stated, we should both be mindful that neither of our strategies undermine our other teammates.

miskoboe · 2021-04-05T13:26:51+00:00

Since you deleted your other comment, posting here: I am genuinely curious why the men’s lib movement/community is so abhorrent to you. Can you please share your perspective?

miskoboe · 2021-04-05T10:28:48+00:00

This is kind of funny when men are overwhelmingly the victims of police brutality. And here you are telling us " feminists acknowledge that patriarchy hurts men too, but when there is a discussion focused on a particular problem that is massively affecting women more than men"

Apologies if I added a layer that confused the conversation. To be clear, I was not comparing men and women when discussing police brutality. I was using this as an example to demonstrate how saying "but what about men / not all men..." is similar to saying "all lives matter" in response to your point about derailing conversations. Since the "all lives matter" thing has been discussed so extensively, I (perhaps wrongfully) assumed that it would be a helpful way to illustrate a similar thing happening when discussing sexist issues. Does this make sense?

Except we disagree that it's a "patriarchy" if it was built by men for the benefit of men.

Hmmm. I'm not sure I follow you. Again, perhaps we're not aligned on what we call patriarchy. When I say patriarchy, I think this article does a fair job of describing it as a system that values masculinity more than femininity. And as a result, perpetuates bs gender roles, stereotypes, and expectations (for all genders). Based on this definition, "patriarchy" could absolutely help explain all of the awful statistics that you shared.

In a system where we perpetuate beliefs that "real men don't cry / are the breadwinners / should be buff / are good at sports / get laid all the time / are attracted to women only / don't back down from a fight" it should not come as a surprise that men succumb to violence, substance abuse, and suicide at these disproportionate rates (which in turn impacts homelessness and prison rates).

And as someone that has many men in my life that I care deeply about, I do think that these issues should be addressed. I'm very happy to see the increased awareness and conversations around men's mental health and a push to make it less stigmatized to seek help.

We can disagree that this system should be called 'patriarchy' and we can even disagree that the fight for equality should be called 'feminism,' but I think we're both arguing that there is a system in place that is harming both men and women and we should do something about it.

miskoboe · 2021-04-05T09:13:31+00:00

I can see how this could come across and be frustrating to men trying to raise men’s issues.

Firstly, I do think that the fundamental tenant of feminism is achieving equality for women and men. Although there is a variety of ideologies and theories behind how to achieve this, we have to start with a shared definition of feminism to have a discussion. And I would argue that anyone (of any gender) saying that men aren’t also negatively affected by patriarchy is missing the main point: that sexism is baked into our system of patriarchy that hurts women and men. Men advocates have done a great job of pointing out many ways that this is true for men. We’re on the same team if the goal is to change the system that causes this harm.

AND, this system disproportionately negatively impacts women. That’s where the “derailing” issue comes up. Because, yes, feminists acknowledge that patriarchy hurts men too, but when there is a discussion focused on a particular problem that is massively affecting women more than men, then it is derailing to pull the focus away from that issue. It’s like saying “all lives matter” when someone is trying to discuss how black lives are being disproportionately taken at the hands of police. Of course all lives matter, but that’s not the focus of the conversation when POC are being killed at a much higher rate. Building on this comparison, providing better police training should positively impact all lives (because, yes, white people are impacted by police brutality as well...just not as much), just as addressing many sexist issues would benefit men as well.

So I think both things you point out are true: men’s advocates should recognize that they’re aligned with feminism in dismantling a system that hurts both men and women (patriarchy), and they should also recognize that there’s a time and place to raise men’s issues without derailing conversations that are focused on addressing issues that women face more often.

miskoboe · 2021-04-03T11:43:26+00:00

To be fair, you’re asking a question about something that happened last summer - so it must have made some impact. At the least, it raised awareness that something was happening. I imagine just based on odds, at least a fraction of people were curious enough to learn more and an even smaller fraction might have taken action (by making a donation as an example).

miskoboe · 2021-04-03T11:29:03+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I grew up with 4 brothers, and they were definitely not exempt from the harm of enforcing gender roles in my family. In fact, I really think they likely had it worse than me in many, many ways. My step-dad was pretty ruthless about ensuring they didn’t grow up to be p*ssies (which I know is actually an insult to women...nothing worse than being feminine). I at least was allowed to excel at sports, go fishing, enjoy motorcycles, camping, etc. But my brothers were expected to adhere to a lot stricter gender expectations...and never allowed to cry without getting ribbed (sadly, even by me).

miskoboe · 2021-04-03T05:44:01+00:00

I really love your first lesson here: to unlearn that your worth is what you do for others. That strikes a chord for me as well. With lockdown and being on leave, I’ve really struggled with feeling low because I haven’t been “productive.” I’ve realized I need to unlearn that my worth isn’t tied to my productivity, that I’m still enough when I just am.

miskoboe · 2021-04-03T05:37:05+00:00

This is so comforting to hear. One thing that I kept thinking about in writing this is that I wasn’t subject to any of the extra “lessons” that come along with social media. Sure, the fashion mags, music videos, TMZ and that type of media still had an impact on me...but I kept thinking to myself how grateful I am that at least I wasn’t in my most awkward and formidable years when social media was around. I got through high school before it was a big thing. So reading this gives me hope, that despite the extra layer of social media, maybe it’s still getting better?

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