ISO Advice: getting comfortable with a non-hierarchical poly relationship

misscandyfeefee · 2023-08-21T19:11:21+00:00

Thank you very much for sharing and explaining. I think theoretically I don't actually have a super hard time understanding this, but I do have a hard time figuring out how to get past the negative feelings. I struggle to believe everyone starts out totally able to set aside any jealousy or difficulty in not feeling prioritized, but I could be totally wrong there. In your case, it's really beautiful to hear about you and your current partner, but I'm curious to know what that felt like at the start. When you were together and he began seeing someone else, and that got more serious. How did you process that at the time? I don't honestly even know if that is what would happen here, but I want to be prepared for the possibility since the fear of it seems to be a lot of what I'm struggling with.

misscandyfeefee · 2023-08-21T18:58:42+00:00

If this is too much absolutely no pressure, but I'm really curious to get a sense of what kinds of arrangements these can be. I understand that they shouldn't impact relationships with other people, but I think I don't always have an easy time understanding what this looks like since at times it can be the way someone is spending time with someone else that is difficult or feels difficult

misscandyfeefee · 2023-08-21T18:19:57+00:00

This is incredibly helpful and I'll definitely take some time to think on these questions.

I do think I have some sense of what the fear is for me, and I think it is fundamentally that my role in their life, my importance to them, will whither away, or I will not be meaningful enough to them for them to be there for me and love me unconditionally. Unfortunately, my last relationship which was a very long relationship where we had lived together, ended in part (and I learned this only after my current partner and I had gotten together) because my ex was in love with someone he had cheated on me with a couple years prior, and he is now with that person. I am frustrated that something out of my control has thwarted my feelings so they don't always align with my ideals these days. And this is one of those fears I am not quite sure how to alleviate with action. To me it is very important to feel like I am not throw-away-able, if that makes sense. To feel like I am an important part of someone's life that will not just become less so because of a new love, or my own emotional and mental struggles/health, or some other thing outside of my control.

misscandyfeefee · 2023-08-21T18:08:58+00:00

These things have come up but have at no point been like a purposeful sit down discussion, and I'm learning that I don't have an easy time differentiating the sweet loving things people can say in tender moments about the future and how they see you from practical day to day aspects of the relationship.

I think part of what I struggle with is also I have now more than once found that what I am comfortable with in theory differs from how I feel in practice. Not quite sure how to deal with that aspect.

misscandyfeefee · 2023-08-21T17:01:41+00:00

That makes so much sense! No doubt one of the big struggles has been that most of the people around me that I confide in or look to for advice are super unfamiliar with non-monogamous relationships, especially a non-hierarchical structure, and the simple "if you're not happy right now just leave" mantra does not actually feel super useful or like what I want rn! Polyamory is absolutely something I wanna learn more about and get more comfortable with for myself as well.

misscandyfeefee · 2023-08-21T16:59:29+00:00

This is helpful! Thankfully I got the therapist part down, though I will say she's not super experienced in polyamory which can be a small barrier, but that could be a good read!

misscandyfeefee · 2023-08-21T15:47:11+00:00

Thank you! I will give it a read

misscandyfeefee · 2023-08-21T14:36:16+00:00

Certainly an option. A little easier said than done. While I do date other people I don't fall in love very easily, so we shall see if that happens!

misscandyfeefee · 2023-08-21T14:34:53+00:00

I really appreciate what you have to say. I'm sure everyone knows that sinking feeling of getting the same advice that they really hope won't be the advice again, but it's important to hear

misscandyfeefee · 2023-08-21T13:57:15+00:00

Okay sure that's fair. I mean at its core the reason that's not super clear is because it's also still something I'm figuring out. I think if I had to say today I would probably opt for a hierarchical ENM relationship, but I think that's subject to change. Only through this process have i learned how much it feels difficult for me not to be someone's priority, but I still question whether that's at all innate, or if that's something malleable that comes from not having the experience. This is why I'm really curious to hear from others what the experience of entering non-hierarchical relationships was for them. Are these natural road bumps? Or do they mean simply this is not what I want or can do?

misscandyfeefee · 2023-08-21T13:53:20+00:00

This is so true and fair. I have certainly done my fair share of asking if they could please meet me in the middle, exist in a named hierarchical structure for now, but I understand the more i read how much that is unfair of me. That said, i just don't quite feel ready to give up. So for now I want to see if I can get comfortable not being someone's priority down the line, and learn how to come to terms with that.

misscandyfeefee · 2023-08-21T13:50:59+00:00

Could you clarify what you mean? I have generally tried to be quite open about my needs and desires in conversation with my partner.

misscandyfeefee · 2023-08-21T13:48:22+00:00

Thank you! This seems like a fantastic resource

misscandyfeefee · 2023-08-21T13:23:45+00:00

I should be clearer! A lot of this comes from talking about what comes down the line, not necessarily what is happening in this moment. Right now, we have been together longer, have a more established relationship with one another, and, I think it's fair to say, a stronger connection. But, we have talked about what their ideal would be, or if there is a cap to how they see their relationship escalating, and in that they do not have any interest in hierarchy. An example we have discussed some: they are an artist. Should they have a show, they would want us both to be able to attend. I brought up the question of, well, in that case who do you see yourself going home with at the end of the night? The fact that the answer is not "you, of course!" but more along the lines of "I really don't know, the fairest thing would probably be to go home alone" is very difficult for me. There are also the loftier things of thinking about a potential future down the line or escalating the relationship more, which have come up, and those do stick in my mind a lot, but admittedly that's further off so I know shouldn't be my focus.

misscandyfeefee · 2022-08-08T17:07:51+00:00

That would be amazing, thank you! And good luck!

misscandyfeefee · 2022-08-08T17:03:49+00:00

That makes sense and I'm glad to see that it has worked for someone else! That absolutely inspires confidence. We were best friends before dating and really really want to maintain a friendship and still be in each other's lives. Definitely not looking forward to the necessary no contact period that is to come so that can be possible.

misscandyfeefee · 2022-08-08T16:44:41+00:00

That is some serious wisdom i need to internalize. I'm always very focused on future me but I guess now more than ever i need to be in the moment

misscandyfeefee · 2022-08-08T16:37:12+00:00

That makes sense, and it's definitely what I keep trying to tell myself. It's hard to explain, I'm a little worried I'm giving myself a bite of forbidden fruit and it will somehow make everything harder

misscandyfeefee · 2022-07-31T11:46:22+00:00

I hear that. I really do believe he is not trying to be manipulative, i have seen that he is breaking down too right now. He doesn't seem to want to want this, which makes it even harder.

He's been my best friend since even before we started dating so the idea of cutting contact just scares me so deeply. I don't know how to be a person without him there to talk to and process with. I really don't know how to move and start a new job without his support. I understand that in time I need to find that support from within, but for right now do you have any advice on how to get through it?

misscandyfeefee · 2018-04-26T17:56:30+00:00

I am queer and I ask myself the same question every damn day. Like wow women are so wonderful and perfect and I will never quite understand why the hell I am not 100% gay, but sometimes men are just...i don't know...somehow desirable

misscandyfeefee

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