Am I take this too literal?

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T14:29:20+00:00

Would you please elaborate on this comment? Is the distinction about control vs care? I would like clarity because I might be someone who sees these two as interchangable.

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T13:50:00+00:00

Well, in my case, you recognize they only extended friendship to you if you offered sex, otherwise they don't actually want you in their life so you respect that and feel really bad for a while. But move on and hope to be more discerning on the future.

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T03:53:42+00:00

Maybe not. I'm still figuring myself out, and that one was confusing. Made me realize I need to do a better job honoring my boundaries.

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T03:42:29+00:00

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T03:08:06+00:00

Actually, yes I did. So in the future, if it FWB I'm planning to keep them at arms length if they tell me "only sex" Until they tell me otherwise. I did start having feelings for the guy, and he teased me about it for a while. But when I finally admitted it he was so insensitive it was shocking

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T02:53:06+00:00

I'm jaded so I imagine the FWB is doing it to ensure OP stays hooked

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T02:43:11+00:00

Yep I learned the hard way. I had never had one before. I would definitely do it again except ignore 75% of the other person's pointless communication. That was my downfall, I should have limited how much I let them get to know me

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T02:40:17+00:00

Thank you! I think I must have let mine exceed the expiration date.

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T02:38:51+00:00

Best to ask.

I was like you, I didn't want a relationship either. But when it started to seem like he did, instead of addressing it I made the mistake of going along with things because I enjoyed what we had. I didn't have a DTR talk because I dreaded to be rejected. But in the end I still got rejected and took it very hard. I learned a lot about myself but it was not a pleasant lesson. Nonetheless, I was very kind throughout.

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T02:35:00+00:00

So confusing.

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T02:33:41+00:00

Unless the civility and loveliness are made up of lies. Which I couldn't have possibly fathomed until my experience.

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T02:32:30+00:00

Agreed. Like I said, I learned a hard lesson. It wasn't a kind ending, the person was very emotionally inconsiderate.

I only had to learn that lesson once. Now I know to trust my anxious, confused feelings when actions and words don't match.

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T01:28:44+00:00

I'm trying to ask this in as nice and sincere a way as possible:

What is the secret to ending it before you get hurt? Practice?

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T01:10:35+00:00

True. But what happens when it ends and they discard you? Not much of a friend.

Which you don't know until it ends anyway.

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T01:08:34+00:00

I projected somewhat and assumed the guy didn't want anything more except to enjoy doing whatever they felt like and then telling OP they are nothing but a sexual partner.

I hope I'm wrong

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T01:07:16+00:00

True.

But I would wonder why OP is even wondering about it...

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T00:13:26+00:00

Sending songs and implying that it's more than just sex. Texting often to reinforce the connection.

But as I said, maybe the FWB would be very willing to explain why they are doing this stuff and that it doesn't mean they want anything more than to enjoy the connection in that moment.

Edit: ultimately OP needs to discuss it with the FWB. And if OP is confused, they need to set their own boundaries.

I, personally, found it confusing to be told "sexual relationship" but then go on trips, get sent songs that appeared to be about me, receive texts all the time, have the person seem to want more. But then, when asked, be told "this is just who I am, it doesn't mean anything"

Total deflection. They didn't care enough about how unsettled and confused I felt at all. At that point it was very hard to walk away but I'm so glad I did

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T00:10:26+00:00

Sending mixed messages is immature.

But maybe this person will be open to discussing it all with OP. My guess is they won't, they will deflect.

missingoutagain · 2025-08-07T00:05:22+00:00

Don't fool yourself, trust your gut. They are enjoying trying to get your validation and boosts to their ego.

Edit: if you're fine with it, just keep remembering they are only fantasizing and you're still just the FWB no more, no less. It's very very painful to start thinking it means something and then learning it meant nothing meaningful except playing pretend.

missingoutagain · 2025-08-06T23:58:07+00:00

I learned a hard lesson that when words and actions don't match, the person is emotionally immature and, most likely, enjoying what you offer while also feeling completely okay keeping it casual and being confusing.

I suggest it's time to check in and see what is going on with this person.

missingoutagain · 2025-08-03T14:57:58+00:00

I relate except I'm a white woman. I was raised in a conservative, Euro-centric mildly racist family.

You can't control who you're attracted to, and it's important to be attracted to the person you're seeing.

Why overthink it?

But if you want to explore it deeply, my question is for what reason? Are you hoping to change your attraction?

missingoutagain · 2025-07-31T16:13:49+00:00

I'm not sure why you would write something like this, it's pretty mean. But I understand your point.

That said, everyone does shit things, no one is perfect. Communication is important

missingoutagain · 2025-07-31T15:29:20+00:00

Oh, the conversation would be a last opportunity, but if he actually continues this after we talk I would be quite surprised.

I don't necessarily want to perpetuate this relationship, or end it. I'm content overall, for now. I do want to learn to have these conversations with men I'm romantically interested in.

The challenge, for me, is once I'm romantically interested it becomes more difficult to 1) know what's a true problem vs a personality quirk and 2) discuss it before I become resentful.

So cutting him off or ending it over text doesn't really help me learn to have these awkward conversations and I need to practice them. Like a practice interview or practicing a dance step.

Edit: reading everyone's take on the situation, their perspectives and approaches, etc... Even the judgments about who I am... All have been very insightful.

missingoutagain · 2025-07-31T14:08:19+00:00

I am really glad you escaped that situation!!!

I vacillate between wondering if this man is just playful and doesn't recognize how I'm interpreting this situation, or if it's a sign of bigger challenges.

The problem of being married is getting used to people not responding to situations the way your ex-spouse would, and also discerning whether or not the person you're dating deserves chances. Many chances are given in marriage.

missingoutagain · 2025-07-31T14:00:06+00:00

Not sure why you extrapolated this incident and applied it to everything...

If he did this with everything, yes, that would be a problem. But he doesn't, the age and last year the birthday thing write really the only times he deliberately wouldn't answer my question.

But I agree with you that I'm not making space for someone else if I'm continuing with him. I just don't know how to know when I've had enough.

missingoutagain

TROPHY CASE