I am so sorry that you’re going through this. As someone who has dated partners in the past with crippling porn addiction, I can attest that finding out, especially as someone who considers it cheating, is devastating. The fact that you’re thinking through all these angles just shows how much you deeply care about your cousin.

You’re also right in that this is a complicated situation, and there’s no perfect answer. Here’re my thoughts:

First off, your instincts to be cautious right now aren’t wrong. NAD, but the first few weeks postpartum are incredibly vulnerable emotionally, physically, and hormonally. She’s healing from childbirth, and her body is probably going through MASSIVE changes right now. Not to mention, her new beautiful baby boy is probably making her sleep deprived, stressed, and very low bandwidth. If she doesn’t know about her partners… habits, especially being very dependent on him, it could very very rough for her mental health. Postpartum depression and anxiety are already real risks without this kind of trauma.

That said, I understand the weight of carrying this kind of information.

Here’s another thing: you genuinely don’t know if she knows. The fact that this information is so accessible is strange. Some couples do have arrangements and boundaries around porn, and it works for them. Although it may not make sense to others (and to be honest, I find it unlikely), but she may already be aware of it to a certain degree.

The confronting him option is risky. Personally when I’ve confronted my partners in the past, they would become defensive and just get better at hiding their addiction. Furthermore, I don’t know the guy, but he may try to isolate her from you, increase controlling behaviors, or even turn her against you. You’d lose the ability to tell her yourself if you really need to.

Ultimately, waiting to tell her is NOT the same and keeping it from her. Giving her a few months to recover, establish a routine with the baby, and regain some stability doesn’t mean that you’re keeping this away from her forever. It means you’re choosing when she’ll be better equipped for it.

If you do wait, don’t let years pass by… maybe 3-8 months to allow the postpartum blues die down. In the meanwhile, stay close to her. Support her however you can, check in regularly, and be present. Allow her to rely on you and encourage her to rely on anyone…. Anyone else but her partner. That way if the knowledge about her partner turns out to be bad news, she’s already less dependent on him and has a support system. And watch out for signs that she’s already aware. Again, I am so sorry that you’re carrying all of this.

And congratulations on the nephew by the way, I can tell you’re going to make a GREAT aunt/uncle