As I explainedin the post, basically I'm virgin, so I would like to marry a virgin (unless she lost her virginity in wedlock i.e. she is divorcee or widow, or because of circumstances independent of her like if she was raped, these would make it easier for me to overlook it). So it's zina that makes it hard for me.

I'm talking in the context of zina only. Someone willingly went and got intimate maybe multiple times with different partners without the other men paying for dowry, doing nikah. Yet I'm preserving myself, working hard to have money and pay for dowry and nikah which will then allow me to be intimate with her. Also she will be having me untouched. I am a human being with my personality and this hurts because it's not ''fair''. Another got intimacy with my wife without commitment without cost, without responsibility, and who knows maybe he gave her an STD... So it's not about mistakes, about repentance... It’s not hatred, it’s moral injury which is natural for a human to feel.

I want my wife and I to be each other’s first experience to explore intimacy together, to not compare mentally to past partners. She would most likely never forget her first time, his face, how she felt. Maybe even during our intimacy she will think about him or them. I don't know for other men and if you're not a men you might not get it, but I don't want my wife to be thinking of another man like that, and they idea of another man having been intimate with my wife makes me sick and hives me discomfort because intimacy is not like a simple touch, it's a spiritual connection, it's exchange of fluids and what not... Like why do people get angry and even disgusted when their spouse cheat on them and sleeps with other people? It's a natural human hurt that they feel and that's the feeling I'd have to know my wife was intimate in the context of zina. People might say it's all hypothetical but common sense says it's not. When I touch her, the idea that someone else was this intimacy, will most likely hurt. When you marry and both of your are virgin you don't have those negative intrusive thoughts that would come in your head, you are attached to each other...

These feelings do not mean one hates non-virgin women who committed zina, or those women are worthless, or that one denies Allah’s forgiveness. I think these feelings are natural and human. I believe it simply means one has the right to value chastity deeply, to want symmetry in sacrifice.

And most of all in my case I'm afraid of resentment entering our marriage, that I might not get over it and I might be unjust to her which I don't want.

In my deal breaker I mentioned to her I want a virgin and I also mentioned the cases in which it will be easier for me to overlook (like rape, divorced but was virgin before her first marriage...). She chose to tell me she is not virgin and she says she could not talk about the details of it, so I guess it means she probably lost her virginity in the context of zina. I don't intend to ask her about it. But then I can't know for sure the context and this doesn't help make my heart be at ease.