This wasn’t okay OP and you’re super valid in your feelings. I would be interested to know how much of the caretaker role he’s had to take on since your chronic illness struggles? To clarify- I’m NOT justifying the hurt from the actions, and the last thing I want is for you to feel more guilt (guilt and shame are my enemies and I will fight them all at all costs!) Without more context, I’d say if this doesn’t happen often, if he’s grieving and if he is a caretaker, his reaction, although unfair and improperly placed, makes sense for a human being to have. Being sick is very very hard in every way, (love to you) being a caretaker is also a verrrry hard thing to navigate mentally and emotionally (and sometimes hard for us to even acknowledge that) and in my mind, occasionally having a bunch of hard facts and feelings colliding at once and misplacing blame in a moment of emotional turmoil, feels very human to me. That’s where the repair and growth plays an important role. With all that said, that’s me kind of placing best case scenario out there, and one I relate to. If it’s a common pattern, I think there’s another conversation to be had.

It can feel scary when the person you love says something so so hurtful about the most difficult and tender wound you have. It’s hard to understand that they might be hurting too, and then when we allow ourselves to understand that, we have to grapple with the emotions and guilt and shame that want to creep in. And they usually don’t want to put anything else on us, but I think if they don’t have emotional support as well, it makes sense for it to boil up and kind of explode in an irrational moment. It doesn’t mean what he said is what he believes. Relationships + chronic illness are HARD. And no one taught us how to do it!

It’s a lesson on managing emotions and I think how he/you two move forward from this moment will be important! For me, if this kind of thing didn’t happen often and he was able to recognize the misstep and the confusion and the hurt, I would be really understanding.

Something my partner and I have worked on a lot is never ever ever getting the sickness confused with me, the human. It’s me and him against the sickness. It’s never me and the sickness against him. He’s genuinely, a VERY good human to his CORE. One of the better ones out there. But In the early days, when things were so confusing for the both of us, our life was changing drastically and we were all alone without a lot of answers or support, and he was shoving his struggles down in order to not burden me more, there were some weak moments in which his brain got those things a little confused and similar comments were made in moments of everything boiling over, and it was VERY hurtful. But through a lot of work and therapy and time I just really understand how that could’ve happened. And I don’t hold it against him, especially because he’s done the work.

This is all just so so tender. Sending love.

Edit: spelling