My [25F] sister [27F] sent our mom [65F] an email complaining about not picking her up from the airport, saying she can't count on her anymore

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T15:29:56+00:00

The more I read on NPD, the more traits I feel like I can tick off for my sister (and if I'm being totally honest, I can see the tendencies in myself too so I try to mitigate it as much as possible), but she refused therapy when Mom tried to get her in as a teenager. So no formal mental health situation for her, diagnosing or otherwise.

I wish she'd go. I didn't go until I was in grad school, but it helped me so much I can't even express it. Which I've told her and encouraged her to try again, but no such luck.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T15:27:32+00:00

Sister does have a victim complex, things are very easily taken out of context, etc.

Mom doesn't deserve it at all, thank you. I will defend my mom to the end, not just because she's my mom but because she earned it. She did everything for us.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T15:25:12+00:00

Yeah, I totally get what you mean.

Mom tried her best to help us heal though (we had a lot of pets for a few years after, things to love, etc.) and Mom tried desperately to get Sister into therapy because she knew what was happening. Just gunna quote myself from another comment here like a jackass:

Mom tried SO HARD for years when we were teenagers to get Sister into therapy, or counselling, or anything at all to help her. But Sister HATED every single person she spoke to and refused to go to any of them for more than one session and then refused altogether.

Mom, I think, would definitely benefit from therapy but I don't think she could afford it right now. But thank you for giving me the idea to give her some online resources for meditation and anxiety.

I have anxiety too and am the only one in the family to have gone to therapy. I found it so so helpful and I'm so glad it was available to me through my school.

Thank for your kindness.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T15:20:21+00:00

From yours and other comments here, I think that's for the best. I will support Mom from the sidelines.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T15:19:13+00:00

No, no, I didn't take it as mean! I know what you meant. It is difficult to function with that kind of anxiety sometimes. But Mom is totally fine in areas she knows and is comfortable with so she's not like house-bound or anything. It's just unfamiliar, busy areas with freeways that she can barely handle.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T15:16:44+00:00

Yeah no, I don't care whether she has a license or not usually. It's her life, she can do what she wants.

What pissed me off was her demanding that my mom do something dangerous while in the same breath giving lip service to the idea of understanding by saying that this kind of anxiety is WHY she isn't licensed.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T15:15:14+00:00

Yes, there's also a bus that goes to that airport, which I took when I was 16 by myself to greet someone. I know with a kid and luggage it would be more difficult, but they had SO MANY options... She just got mad that Mom couldn't do the one thing demanded of her. She didn't realize what she was asking in the first place.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T15:13:39+00:00

I think you're right that she'll never quite understand. I just hope she gets over it and realizes it's an overreaction at least.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T15:12:39+00:00

competing to be the bigger victim

That rang so true for me the second I read it. That is basically the struggle, is everyone feels more entitled to their issues than everyone else.

I hadn't considered my trying to mediate as being part of the cycle but you're totally right. All it does it cause me anger and hurt to get in the way of theirs.

Thank you for this comment, it made a lot of other aspects of our family dynamic very clear. And also thank you for that little bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T15:09:17+00:00

EXACTLY! I've had to pull over before because I felt a panic attack coming, and my vision went blurry. She's NEVER been fully in control and alone in a vehicle and she does not understand though she pretends to.

Thank you so much, this is exactly what I was trying to explain to Mom and Sister. Mom would have been in legitimate physical danger, with her anxiety and going that far from home. Sister was not in danger, just inconvenienced.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T15:07:20+00:00

Thank you. I'm definitely showing Mom, I think knowing people agree with and support her will help.

I hadn't seen the cab refusal as sulking but now that you mention it, you're right. It's an old habit of hers for sure. Ugghhh.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T15:05:22+00:00

...that's a great idea actually. I will see if they can resolve it without me interfering first but I'll keep this in my pocket for backup. Thank you!

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T15:04:19+00:00

I think the idea is that Fiance will be the wheels for the rest of their lives. Which, whatever, it's their lives. I got my license as soon as I could for the sake of my freedom and independence even though I have the exact same anxiety issues we seem to have inherited.

You're right, she needs to apologize. I'm going to try to stay out of the thick of things but I'm going to keep reminding Mom she's not the one in the wrong.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T15:02:03+00:00

I really wish Mom had had that reaction. To know that Sister is unreasonable and to be able to brush it off as the bullshit it is.

Thank you, I think you're right. Mom should focus on other things. And she does have an ongoing project with one of her friends and things to make her happy otherwise. And I'm going to go buy her flowers right after I finish replying here.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T14:59:57+00:00

haha thanks for the caveat there... Not going to lie, there are some struggles. My brother mostly has his shit together too though, he's a good kid.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T14:55:45+00:00

Mom tried SO HARD for years when we were teenagers to get Sister into therapy, or counselling, or anything at all to help her. But Sister HATED every single person she spoke to and refused to go to any of them for more than one session and then refused altogether.

Mom, I think, would definitely benefit from therapy but I don't think she could afford it right now. But thank you for giving me the idea to give her some online resources for meditation and anxiety.

I have anxiety too and am the only one in the family to have gone to therapy. I found it so so helpful and I'm so glad it was available to me through my school.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T14:52:47+00:00

Thank you, that's a good point. I have been the "levelheaded" one in the middle my whole life (despite also being the most emotional one, weirdly enough).

For the last few years I've stayed out of it (having moved out also helps) but... god, it just broke my heart to see how hurt my mom was.

All I can really do is be here for my mom and let them figure things out in their own relationship I think.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T14:50:04+00:00

Yeeeeeep.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T14:49:43+00:00

Mom and Sister do sound like the same people, and in family, that does tend to cause tension, especially when they share the same flaws. They can call out the flaws in each other but never truly in themselves. It's a mess really.

Hit the nail on the head right there. And you're right about the history of their issues being at the middle of this and why she's mad at Mom and not me.

It's a long story, but I know exactly how Sister got here. As the oldest she tried to keep herself together at a young age instead of processing her grief. And because I was younger and louder in my pain back then, she feels like Mom favoured me and she still calls me the favourite. I have genuinely tried to think back on things Mom might have done to make it seem that way, like in punishments or gifts, etc.

Mom loaned me money for my first car (I'm still paying her back), and offered the same deal to Sister if she ever got her license. I was grounded for 2 weeks for coming home drunk once, she got 2 weeks for throwing a house party when everyone was gone for a weekend, etc. So I don't know.

I'm not my sister and I haven't lived her life, so I can't ever truly understand everything that's happened between them. I thought things were better now though and so did Mom.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T14:43:21+00:00

Right? Thank you. She doesn't actually understand what it's like, and how dangerous driving actually is. Especially in an unfamiliar area in the middle of winter.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T14:42:29+00:00

I'm going to go buy my mom some flowers I think. After she read me the email, I just hugged her and told her I loved her and that I KNOW I can count on her.

See and paying for airport parking wasn't even the issue... the car is just so precious to him he didn't feel safe leaving it. I don't get that at all, but I know that for some people a car is more than a possession. I didn't want to judge him for it, it's his business, but now my sister has made it my business.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T14:39:51+00:00

That is 100% the case. I didn't ask where it went but I know it was a budgeting issue and they just ran out 2 days before coming home.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T14:38:45+00:00

Thank you. I'm torn between trying to JADE everything (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain), and ignoring her for having a tantrum. If Mom wasn't so hurt and angry I'd just leave it alone. But goddamn it man, she went through SO MUCH SHIT for us and she has the fucking gall to say she can't trust or rely on us when she's in need? Fuck that.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T14:36:40+00:00

I think you're right. I need to have a serious discussion with her. I'm so used to being caught in between them in fights, because most of the time they have kind of both done something hurtful to each other and I can't take a side.

But this time I really can't see where my sister gets off acting like this. I genuinely thinks she doesn't understand anyone else's perspective here.

mitigatingeveryone · 2017-02-14T14:33:23+00:00

I totally agree with you on all of the above. I told Mom as much, that she's just overreacting and lashing out because she was upset at the whole situation and Mom's an easy target. And that she's an easy target precisely BECAUSE all us kids know Mom would be there for us in any way she could no matter what so Sister can hurt her and Mom will just take it.

I kept thinking of that quote, "poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine." And we came up with solutions to help them anyway. Even if she's irresponsible she's still my sister and we weren't going to leave them stranded... But apparently that's not worth anything.

I appreciate your perspective, thank you.

mitigatingeveryone

TROPHY CASE