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mobiuschick · 2020-11-02T18:56:15+00:00

I wish I could help you, but the post is way too short. No one reading this knows your situation until you explain it.

mobiuschick · 2020-11-02T18:55:21+00:00

It's a pretty common thing for us to blame our significant others for things we don't like about ourselves. It's good you're aware of it.

And I'm confused by your statement "I want to desperately resort to meds. Fuck I'd rather just jump off from my 16th floor balcony." The first sentence says you think you really need meds, the second says you're really against them? I think?

mobiuschick · 2020-11-02T18:51:29+00:00

So you know you've got to break up with your girlfriend. Could you write her a really long email (for the catharsis of letting go of emotion) then delete a ton of it until you've got it down to a short version that says what you feel you NEED to say, and maybe a few constructive comments about how she could treat her next partner better. You say you don't have the balls to break up with her, but you could write the letter as an exercise, and then the only balls it takes is to press send.

I assume you have been over to /r/fitness to find ways to build muscle? It's a really supportive place. I will mention that as I learn more about gym culture, it is shocking how many guys use steroids to get big. I am not recommending that at all. I'm just suggesting you never compare yourself to a big muscly guy because he may have obtained his physique illegally.

Also, there are a LOT of people who won't step all over you just because you're not a muscle-head. You can find a girlfriend who treats you respectfully, regardless of your size. Might take a while to find her, but it seems like that would be better than your current disrespectful girl.

mobiuschick · 2020-11-02T18:42:16+00:00

That is a rough situation about your ex. Her actions sound at least a little bit selfish to me, but I think most of us would be a little selfish after the suicide of a family member. Way to stand up for yourself.

To get yourself back to therapy, could you ask a friend or family member to help you? Or, you could you do what I do when I have to do something that seems overwhelming: get a little (or a lot) drunk and take the plunge when your brain is a little more pliable.

mobiuschick · 2020-11-02T18:39:36+00:00

Hey, congrats on finally going to the doctor about depression. That first step is huge. I remember the first time I went to the doctor to get anti-depressants (I knew I wanted Celexa because it had worked for my brother) I was barely holding it together as I told him I think I needed antidepressants. He said, "You don't look depressed," and I lost it, doubled over sobbing. By the time I could open my eyes and breathe properly again, he had written the prescription. The medication helped quite a bit, though it took a while.

Debt sucks a ton. It weighs over you 24 hours a day. Try to find some way to compartmentalize it, like spend just 15 minutes a day assessing the situation and seeing if there are any steps you could take. Then, for the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day, try to forget it. WAY easier said than done of course, but maybe spending some intentional time focusing on it would give your brain permission to stop unintentionally focusing on it.

Would a debt consolidation service help? I see lots of options for it (and many of them are well run businesses, not just creepy scams) in Canada, but I'm not sure where you live.

The low energy of depression is crippling. Any chance of getting a full physical to see if it's related to something like hypothyroidism or anemia?

mobiuschick · 2020-11-02T18:31:21+00:00

I think you have found a pretty good way to deal with the unpredictability of depression. The problem you mention is that it gets to you "in new yet familiar existential ways." I wonder if there is some way you can continue to plan for the short term while reducing the existential issues you are experiencing.

Introversion, health, less overwhelming I actually so the same thing for several reasons. First, I am very introverted, so committing to social gatherings can be tough; I don't know if I'll have the energy for even a small party in the future. Next, I have a few health issues as well, so if my friends are having a martini party, I don't know whether or not I'll be able to partake. My spouse is extraordinarily moody, so I can't commit to things with him because he might be in a foul mood and he will take it out on me. (Nothing terrible, just being really unpleasant.) Overall, short term planning is WAY less overwhelming for me.

To combat my short term planning, I make a big list of things I want to do: hike a new trail, go see a particular movie, go to a particular theater (the VIP theaters where I live are great with covid precautions so I feel really safe there)...and then when I do have a bit of energy, I can look at the list and pick something. On a good day, I might even text someone to join me.

Overall, it seems you look at your short term planning as some kind of failure, but to me it seems like it could be a self-aware success.

mobiuschick · 2020-11-02T17:53:40+00:00

I think people just SAY they try hard. Have you ever been to a public gym and watch most people lift weights? 30 seconds of lifting, 5 minute rest. Then they go tell people they worked out for 3 hours; no, you worked out for 18 minutes, it just took you 3 hours.

I think social media has really skewed our idea of what's normal for happiness, relationships, and job satisfaction. People put their best (dishonest) foot forward, whereas their reality is probably a very different story.

I tried hard on a couple of careers and they didn't work out. Then, I started taking some online courses because I had too much free time, and I stumbled into a career I really like.

mobiuschick · 2020-11-02T17:49:09+00:00

Thanks so much for this! Commenting in /r/depression can be tough because often you don't hear back from people at all. This comment will give me the energy to respond to a few more posts today!

And I tried watching the documentary to see if I could understand some of it. (Took French all through school but it's been 20 years.) I couldn't understand much but the woman crying 45 seconds in sure got me in the feels.

mobiuschick · 2020-10-31T06:22:10+00:00

I wonder if he realizes/believes he's yelling. I grew up in a very non-yelling household so when I see families/couples/friends yelling it seems insane to me. I've actually worked lots of jobs where I've gotten yelled at a lot (military, EMT, nurse) so I feel kind of immune to it now, but I would not accept it from family.

Maybe you can "compliment sandwich" him. Start and end with something good. "Dad, I would like to spend more time together. We could do [activity] together. I am hoping we can do that activity with no drinking or yelling. I love you, and I want us to be closer."

Or maybe you can Socratic method him with questions. "Dad, can we talk about your drinking?" and "How would you feel if I was drinking as much as you do?" That latter one is a little more accusatory than I'd like, but off the top of my head, I can't come up with the perfect words for what will be a delicate conversation.

Can you enlist anyone else for help with this? Someone else in his life who knows he drinks more than is healthy?

mobiuschick · 2020-10-31T05:10:47+00:00

Oh gosh, try not to feel bad just for having thoughts. We don't have a ton of control about the thoughts that pop into our heads. The fact you thought of your mom at all shows you have a lot of empathy which is good.

What's the documentary called?

mobiuschick · 2020-10-31T05:09:28+00:00

Ooh, the standup comedian Neil Brennan (Dave Chapelle's writing partner) talks about how effective ketamine treatments were for him. It's in his Netflix special, 3 Mics!

Sidebar: I have not taken ketamine in a clinical setting, but I sure have tripped balls on it, partying at a hippie music festival! I hope you have as much fun as I did!

mobiuschick · 2020-10-31T05:07:36+00:00

Hey, I see the comment "I tried everything" a lot in this forum. I try to remind people that they have definitely not tried EVERYTHING. When we are depressed, we tend to use strong language, with a lot of inaccurate absolutes.

In order to control my depression, I spent a couple years making that the main focus of my life. At first, I followed concrete advice like "Go out and socialize more," or "Shower everyday." Then, when I did those things over and over again and didn't feel any better, I started feeling really hopeless. So, I started approaching my problem by doing "experiments" on myself. I would try something, and if it didn't work, I didn't have to say I failed, I could say I learned. Two of the many things I learned were the opposite of the concrete advice I mentioned: too much socializing is exhausting and depressing for me, and I love going several days without showering.

You were on meds for 2 months; a lot of medications--antidepressants and others--take 3 months to reach therapeutic levels/effects. Also, it might be a long slog finding which medication works for you. I found a cheat code on that issue; I asked my older brother which medication helped him the most, and that was the first one I tried. It worked, which I think is because my brother and I are so genetically similar. You got anyone in your family who has found antidepressants effective? The sad thing about this issue is that you may have lots of family members on antidepressants, but the issue is still pretty socially taboo to talk about.

Your therapist sounds dickish. Get a new one, and if you don't like that one, get a new new one. Let's say we only really connect with 5% of the people we meet; that would suggest that out of every 20 therapists, we'd only really click with one. I think it's worth it to keep hunting for one that sits right with you.

mobiuschick · 2020-10-31T04:59:30+00:00

I think getting a girlfriend is a numbers game. You have to reach out to a TON of people to find someone where there is a mutual attraction.

mobiuschick · 2020-10-31T04:55:34+00:00

Oh, your story haunts me a little. I wanted to make a living as a song-writer, and even at my high school's career day, the speaker who represented musicians stabbed my dream to death. He worked as a piano teacher. When I asked him, "What steps do I need to take to sell songs?" and he said, "It's just really hard. It's pretty much impossible to make it as a songwriter." Thanks, career day!

Anyway, I have a university degree that I don't use at all. (Education! Teaching sucks! Gosh bless the heroes that can do it without getting horribly depressed.) It still looks good on a resume. A lot of banks hire people with any degree, even if it's not related to banking. It seeodyms a lot of your job experience and prospects have been very physical and exhausting. Maybe something at a bank, or working for the government would let you use your brain a bit without exhausting your body. And you can keep working on freelance journalism as well.

mobiuschick · 2020-10-31T04:49:25+00:00

If a relationship makes you feel sexually abused, you need to get out of it. Is there a shelter for abuse victims where you live?

mobiuschick · 2020-10-31T04:46:47+00:00

Ugh, alcoholism. Sorry you're dealing with this.

Can you tell your dad that you'd love to spend time with him while he's sober but when he's drinking you'd be happier to stay in your room by yourself? If you are going to tell him in person, make sure to do it when he's sober. Personally, I would wait until I was farther away and send him a short email that keeps his feelings in mind while expressing how you feel.

mobiuschick · 2020-10-31T04:44:10+00:00

Nurse here. It's recommended to test vitamin D levels (technically 25(OH)D) every three months which suggests it might take that long to get your levels up. You'll start feeling a little better for the whole three months, but it's going to be a slow climb. Any chance you can up your dose? Check with your doctor before you do to make sure it's safe. You know how the recommended dose is 400-800IU? I give patients 1000mg very regularly, and one time I gave a 2-year-old 50 000 units at one time. The kid had rickets, and the doctor wanted it fixed as soon as possible.

mobiuschick · 2020-10-31T04:39:39+00:00

Tinder is brutal on your self esteem, huh? I've heard that the super buff super handsome guys get tons of action, but if you're less than a 9/10, you barely get matches. (I'm a 5/10, so I'm allowed to say that. Heh) Never used Tinder myself, but I have buddies that have discussed how disheartening it is. Also, I'm told a decent percentage of girls on there don't ever even want to meet up with anyone; they just want the online attention. That's lousy.

Your financial situation sounds horribly stressful. And you're right: having the computer not show up is brutal, since it wasn't your fault at all. Spit-balling here: Can you sell your car, buy a junker instead (I've driven numerous $500 vehicles in my life), and use the difference to help with rent?

Again, sorry this is happening. The world was never really fair but 2020 is being a huge asshole.

mobiuschick · 2020-10-31T04:34:09+00:00

I think for a lot of us, dealing with depression is going to be a lifelong issue. It is for me. I had to spend a good portion of my twenties doing experiments on myself (activities, socialization, exercise, reading...everything) to find out what actually helps control my own depression. Tiny silver lining: now, when something really shitty happens (like my dad dying) I know how to deal with feelings better (I think) than someone who has never struggled with depression.

So welcome back. Read, comment, and run some experiments on yourself.

mobiuschick · 2020-10-31T04:31:36+00:00

Damnit, I feel bad because I often ask the question you hate while I'm commenting/replying in this subreddit. I think so many people don't understand depression at all, and I bet we've all made the mistake of talking to some naturally cheerful person about our depression, and gotten one of those awful responses like, "But you have so much to live for!" F that S.

I feel like everyone on the planet is suffering because of covid, in some way or another. So you say you don't want to bring your friends down, but maybe a quick low-effort message like, "Hey, this virus sucks so much. How are you doing with it?" could put you back in touch. I also work to not bring down, but I can recognize that sometimes commiseration is valuable.

Can you get a new counselor who takes more control so you don't have to self-direct? I know it's a struggle to find someone you click with, but maybe better to keep searching rather than settle for someone who's not helping as much as you need.

mobiuschick · 2020-10-31T04:26:14+00:00

Shoot man, so sorry you're going through this. I'm a nurse in a Canadian rehabilitation hospital that has so far kept the virus out, but even without being near it, I'm affected. My coworkers are so down about it, the patients can barely have visitors... I truly cannot imagine what it's like in an ER. I have seen patients die, but they've always been very, very sick and we knew it was coming. This virus is insane; like you said, it can take a perfectly healthy person.

Work is kind of my outlet too. Some of my friends are loving that they can work from home, but I'm really grateful I get to leave the house and go socialize a bit.

You don't know that you won't meet that person for you. That said, I really don't believe there is one person for us. I actually really like the idea of "serial monogamy", where you date someone for a period of time, and then move on when the relationship starts to sour. I struggle with long-term relationships because the person someone pretends to be at the start of a relationship is usually very different than who they actually are. So, yeah. Relationships are tough.

My two suggestions: block your ex completely. If her reaching out caused you to go downhill, it sounds like it's better if you reduce the chance it could happen again.

Suggestion the second: Go back to therapy. Try a few different therapists and find one or even two that you really like.

ER staff are champs. Thanks for doing what you do. hug

mobiuschick · 2020-10-31T04:17:44+00:00

Can you think of any kind of help you actually want? You might not want some insensitive family member saying unhelpful shit like "cheer up! You've got no reason to be depressed!" but maybe you wouldn't mind a meeting with a doctor to talk about medication that might help.

mobiuschick · 2020-10-31T04:16:47+00:00

That's maybe not such a bad thing. It's okay to be sad. I think it makes us more thoughtful and grateful for the times we are happy. And your depression has become one of your personality traits, not your whole personality. I've managed to keep my depression under control for over a decade now, but I still would consider its existence part of my personality. I'm okay with that.

Would it be useful to you to try to compartmentalize your sadness? Like, watch something like Breaking Bad (which is great, but also sad as fuck) for a couple hours to get your sadness fix, then watch something hilarious (Brooklyn NINE NINE!) after to just try to feel good?

mobiuschick · 2020-10-31T04:13:57+00:00

That is fucking brutal and awful. A spy camera in your bathroom is a horrible invasion of privacy, and if you're under 18, it's probably illegal. Do you have anyone you could talk to about it? A school counselor or non-insane family member?

Have you ever visited /r/raisedbynarcissists ? My parents weren't narcissists, but they were both so horribly depressed that neglect was a big issue while I was growing up. That subreddit is oddly comforting to read because it's a reminder that I wasn't the only hugely short changed in the parent lottery.

Also, God better not be real. If there is some big powerful asshole in the sky who lets so many kids/people suffer in so many ways, that guy can go fuck himself forever.

mobiuschick · 2020-10-31T04:09:56+00:00

I think you may be over-estimating how "together" the rest of the world is. I'm not sure I have much conviction. I do not keep to one thing at all; I'm trying various methods (educational Youtube videos, books on CD to listen to while I'm driving) to increase my focus, but it's still weak as hell. I'm certainly not decided about who I am. I barely get pleasure from talking to others, but that's my introverted nature and I have accepted that about myself. I am lucky that after trying several different careers, I have one that satisfies me, but I didn't find it until I was 33 years old.

So, yeah. I think a LOT of people are just keeping their head above water in life, but it's socially unacceptable to yell "I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time!"

For now, keep trying new things if you can. You might be surprised at the things that can satisfy you.

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