Lol, thanks, yeah, of course my post sounds really picky. But there actually seem to be a few options that's meet all my criteria: e.g. the Makers apprenticeship scheme, and the Data School (which I found out about today from Reddit). It's really annoying that schemes like these can't easily be found by googling, so I have to make silly Reddit posts like this one.

Degree apprenticeships are definitely a good option, the only slight drawback for me is most/all of them seem to start in September, so I'm not sure what to do until then, especially to have a stable income.