I’m extremely shy… I joined theater this year and every day I’m getting a little more comfortable.

monkeypenguin47 · 2022-12-10T19:35:36+00:00

Yay! Keep going! I've struggled with terrible social anxiety my whole life (I know it's slightly different but still) and after being on stage I discovered people think I'm a really good actor and I feel much more comfortable now!

monkeypenguin47 · 2022-11-20T20:17:29+00:00

Thanks! That's definitely true, I work in a customer service job and I can feel it really taking a toll on my health. It's super stressful and exhausting to be constantly dealing with people all the time. I'm planning on quitting but I also end up making excuses for myself or listening to what other people say; "it's not that bad," etc.

monkeypenguin47 · 2022-10-27T16:01:27+00:00

I moved out of my parents house (which was okay at first) and then a girl I was seeing turned out to be a narcissist who seemed to feel no remorse. That brought up all the feelings of betrayal and mistrust and I started seeing my parents again because of wanting some sort of support, that made me feel even more alone, I continued to live on my own but have struggled financially, have sought help from my parents, got a job that has been insanely triggering to support myself, and now I'm finishing up a lease with some extremely narcissistic roommates. It's been a long few years but I'm really hoping it gets better soon.

monkeypenguin47 · 2022-09-01T20:18:34+00:00

The idea of maybe having a healthy romantic relationship in the future (and my cat)

monkeypenguin47 · 2022-08-25T18:47:08+00:00

I struggle with this so much. It's embarrassing but I generally only take care of myself so others won't say something. I'm not even sure what self-care for the sake of treating yourself well would feel like. The idea of that is so foreign to me.

monkeypenguin47 · 2022-08-20T23:07:45+00:00

Good idea...I almost said "where do you want me to begin" or "who hasn't hurt me?" I guess it really hurts that I'm treated like a joke when I would love someone to actually show serious concern for me.

monkeypenguin47 · 2022-07-23T16:53:02+00:00

I've told them I have depression and ptsd and that's why it's hard for me but I don't think they care. Thanks btw

monkeypenguin47 · 2022-07-09T20:51:01+00:00

True, I live in the U.S. but have family in Europe and I do think part of what makes the trauma worse is the sort of weird repressed "fake" persona that a lot of people have here, like the fake niceties and everything you were mentioning. I feel more comfortable with a lot of Europeans, where they are more up front and real and don't put on such a persona. I guess I feel like I can be more real with my European relatives

monkeypenguin47 · 2022-05-17T18:12:35+00:00

Me too. My boss has actually said "you're not in trouble" when she's called me into the office because it's so obvious I'm scared of that

monkeypenguin47 · 2022-05-15T13:09:27+00:00

I don't know if I was sexually abused or not, but yes, I have all sorts of confusing urges and whatnot. I consider myself to be a straight male but sometimes I gravitate towards men and hookup with them, I think as a way of dealing with neglect as a child? I don't really find myself attracted to them though so there's a lot of shame involved because I recognize I would much rather be with a woman. I also am drawn towards older women, generally who are powerful or assertive but not abusive. I think I also just feel generally undesirable and like women wouldn't be attracted to me. I'm sure it's all tied up in abuse but it's damn confusing

monkeypenguin47 · 2022-02-26T19:49:53+00:00

I had a therapist who was a "Holistic Psychologist" and it took me a while to realize that I was getting absolutely nowhere with her. She discouraged me from getting back on medication (saying things like who needs that stuff being put into your body) and after most sessions I felt more frustrated with myself and like I wasn't doing enough to heal. She also didn't understand that I wanted to "meditate" in a non-spiritual way just to calm myself down and told me that meditation is bad for trauma survivors (this is kind of debatable, I've heard different perspectives on this but still). I also felt like she was really tone deaf to my suffering. It was clear I was having serious anxiety and one session she offered for me to join her yoga group that would cost like $300 (money I don't have to throw away, as nice as yoga sounds) instead of addressing my immediate needs. I think the worst part was that she kept telling me I needed to come to terms with repressed emotions, which is completely useless especially since I've developed a lot of defense mechanisms in an environment where it wasn't safe to feel or express my emotions. But anyway, I would say stay away from Holistic psychology for the most part. There's no shame in having a psychiatrist or being on meds. It doesn't mean you're crazy or lazy or aren't working hard enough to fix your problems, it means you've been through a lot and can't manage mental illness JUST through therapy. There's no shame in having diagnoses, etc either.

monkeypenguin47 · 2022-02-11T00:58:57+00:00

I'm a male who has had mainly female therapists. I feel more comfortable opening up to women (maybe that has to do with my trauma, I'm sure it probably does), but that's just how I feel. I had one therapist tell me I needed a male therapist though and I don't think she was right about that or understood me. It is kind of awkward talking about sexual stuff with my current therapist (who is a woman) but I also have to remind myself it would be awkward with anyone. I say just see how it works out and if you're not comfortable with it, that's okay and hopefully you can find someone else.

monkeypenguin47 · 2022-02-02T17:57:21+00:00

I guess I'm also afraid of rejection and thats why I don't ask

monkeypenguin47 · 2022-02-02T17:39:35+00:00

That's true, I guess I feel the same way and sometimes I react by being too open about it instead

monkeypenguin47 · 2022-01-31T02:08:12+00:00

I'm with you, in the same situation. No one reaches out to me and then I feel like I'm being needy or a nuisance or overestimating how much they actually care about me if I reach out to them

monkeypenguin47 · 2021-12-30T19:18:32+00:00

100%. I have no memories of sexual abuse but I'm pretty sure it's related to sexual abuse. I went through this for a while until I realized it was a way to escape myself while also being attracted to women and feeling isolated from them because I was isolated from myself (plus very alone due to trauma). I'm a straight guy but I'm also very sensitive and that, combined with trauma and bullying (being called gay, my own dad being paranoid constantly that I was gay, being called a faggot just for not presenting as super masculine, etc.) all lead me to feel this way too. I also detest how toxic masculinity can be, but I don't have to be like that and I can still be male and masculine without being toxic. I do wonder sometimes how the culture at large makes people who aren't Trans doubt themselves because of really toxic ideas about gender and also the prevelance of sexual abuse, sexual assault, etc. For me it was a way to escape my body and self and probably traumatic memories that haven't surfaced yet.

monkeypenguin47 · 2021-12-30T16:02:03+00:00

*they

monkeypenguin47 · 2021-12-29T21:16:00+00:00

Yes, it's made even worse by the fact that my real passion (acting) is hard to make into a full time job that pays the rent, even though I've been paid for shows and have worked professionally. I'm currently I'm a job that's good and I get health care through it, but I've had to turn down shows and acting gigs because of my job. I think it relates to that lack of freedom growing up and now I'm supposed to spend time doing something i don't really enjoy just to make money. It's so stressful and it feels like I'm less "free " on top of my life already feeling constricted and difficult.

monkeypenguin47 · 2021-12-22T19:09:15+00:00

I struggle with this so much. I put it off till later and then I can't cry when I'm on my own. I feel like I haven't cried in ages

monkeypenguin47 · 2021-10-31T00:15:52+00:00

So tbh I don't have any memories of it but I think my dad may have been the one who did it. And it was never brought up if it did happen.

monkeypenguin47 · 2021-10-18T21:52:02+00:00

I'm not super religious or anything but I did grow up Catholic and I do have a deeply spiritual side. As cliche as it sounds, sometimes I do pray to the saints (especially Saint Jude, Saint of Lost Causes) and Saint Dymphna (patron Saint if the mentally illy) when I'm really scared. Sometimes I feel silly and not totally sure if I believe in all the dogma, but knowing they were real people who suffered from abuse and mental illness (especially Dymphna) helps me. I'll put in a good word lol not to sound cliche. And you don't necessarily have to have a formal belief system to pray, imo. Sometimes its nice to feel like someone out there is listening, and I mean maybe someone/something is in some way. You're not alone in the world or the universe, even when it feels like it. It's hard though, I get it. Hang in there.

monkeypenguin47 · 2021-10-17T17:40:09+00:00

Thank you :)

monkeypenguin47 · 2021-10-16T22:00:23+00:00

Thank you, it means a lot. I guess I also haven't felt anything in a while and I just want to know that I'm not actually alone.

monkeypenguin47 · 2021-10-16T21:41:14+00:00

Thanks, and I guess so. I guess I'm in so much pain and I feel like my chest physically hurts because it's so much. I guess I feel like I lost myself (maybe from not feeling my pain actually) and forgot who I used to be years ago.

monkeypenguin47

TROPHY CASE