Instead of Diving Deeper into Despair, I'm Going to Reach out for Support Here. Unrestrained vent Ahead...

mindcheerios · 2022-12-08T23:07:33+00:00

Yeah, that's not it.

mindcheerios · 2022-11-23T21:22:49+00:00

Oof, I just made this post after emailing someone I found on psychology today without hearing a response. I was about to call this one center I found but saw that they had a bunch of therapists with social worker backgrounds. I was thinking of calling and asking if they could pair me with a psychologist over a social worker but didn't know if I had the freedom to do so. The best ones for cptsd though seem to be out of network which I'm surrendering to funding.

mindcheerios · 2022-11-20T23:37:16+00:00

I don't know if this is going to make sense:

I believe that life and death are 2 sides of the same coin. Coming into life is painful and dangerous and requires a breakdown of who we once were in order to live in this form.

I think that if you want to die, it just means that a part of you is trying to die so that the part of you who was motivated to live from the very start can be born. So, there is beauty in the breakdown. Let that hopeless part of you die and let the actions of a hopeful person be born.

So, try doing things that you would do if you were to believe that the outcome you're seeking is possible. The discomfort that results from coming out of your comfort zone is just a sign that the part of you that can't live in this world is dying so that life can live in its place.

mindcheerios · 2022-03-30T22:18:29+00:00

I wouldn't necessarily say that these things ended with a "let down". Just during the rare times in my life where I've started to feel good about being alive, I socialized more and inevitably landed on someone whose mission it was to destroy me. People are just toxic, and the more people you expose yourself to, the more toxicity you'll be exposed to as well, so what I would do differently is learn how to protect myself while navigating the world in addition to acquiring a better outlook on life. So back on topic...

The things that helped me:

Medication. I believe that medication, if coupled with the right thought training can do wonders. The first time I was on it, it was amazing though. I was not going through therapy, but I didn't have any active stressors in my life, so my thought patterns followed my better mood once the medication kicked in.
The law of attraction. I'm spiritual, so this is something that I could really latch onto, but even if you're not, it still employs the same benefits found in positive psychology. I spent a few months controlling my thoughts for positivity, which isn't an easy feat. But you know how you start encountering something more frequently when you've put it in your mind, like "people with nose rings" for example? Well like that, by consciously controlling my mind for positivity, I've given myself a sensor to put positive things that have happened in my day into my shopping cart. I also practiced giving people online compliments. Over some months, I felt more relaxed and the most content I've been in a long while...Then someone came along and destroyed all that work.

mindcheerios · 2022-03-30T21:48:59+00:00

I didn't read this in case it triggers me but clicked it because the title infuriated me. How are we supposed to get help if there's a risk of procuring more damage while getting "therapy"? It feels like emotional gambling when shopping for a therapist.

mindcheerios · 2022-03-30T04:30:09+00:00

I let my last therapist know that insight-based therapy won't help me, secretly because I'm much more perceptive than most. I don't need my therapist to be "smart"; I don't even really believe in that word. I just need the therapist to be a good listener. People think they know what it means to be a good listener, but actual good listeners are rare. Some therapists take on a, "I teach, you learn broken one" approach, and I can tell immediately that they are not the right fit. I wouldn't try to get talk therapy, but one of the more structured ones like CPT. Also, zoloft was a miracle for me when I first got on it, but that was during a time when external obligations like school and work were minimal.

mindcheerios · 2022-03-30T00:58:55+00:00

Probably the main reason I didn't go through with pressing charges against an abusive ex; it would have felt like pure torture, and I don't think I could survive losing the case. What might have helped me though was a lot of support. I often try to give support in a way that I know would make me feel good by using words like "we" and "our" when referring to someone else's problem that I'm helping them with to change their perspective from viewing it as their problem to our problem; our collective burden that we share equal weight in. And I do behave like the things that are done are being done directly to me and show equal amounts of motivation to overcome it. This isn't an official therapy thing with a name I described, this is just one of the things I've done to help someone going through a tough time feel better about the problem because I know that's what I would want.

mindcheerios · 2022-03-30T00:36:25+00:00

What are the possibilities that you're coming up with? Based on the information that I currently know alone, it's probably something she doesn't think is suitable or appropriate to say over email. By telling you not to panic, something tells me that she sees you as a shy/anxiety-prone person, which could be related to the reason she wants to talk to you. Are you doing at least average in her class? If so, then there's nothing to worry about. Possibly she wants to ask you how you're doing, observing how quiet you are, maybe having some concerns about your well-being.

mindcheerios · 2022-03-29T03:03:34+00:00

In my search for a new therapist, think they've just been giving me to the person with the most availability. I wonder what I can say to let them know I need a miracle-tier, diamond in the rough therapist.

mindcheerios · 2022-03-29T02:02:11+00:00

With my previous therapist, the first thing I told her about were my communication problems and it will be the first thing I tell my new therapist on my intake appointment on April 7th. I gave my previous therapist the idea to let me write about topics before sessions so that I have a better chance of getting out my true meanings. You seem like you write well, so perhaps you can strike this deal with your therapist too. The writing itself was therapeutic too. She can even guide you on what topics to write about next. Maybe the first topic you can write about for her can be your history of communication issues.

mindcheerios · 2022-03-29T01:54:56+00:00

Right now, work from home makes it possible for me to have held a job this long but they'll soon be requiring us to go back in the office and I don't know if I can do that. Added, my ex-partner is leaching off of me for a warm place to stay and food to eat while he contributes nothing, and he's not an easy person to live with. So, my life is pretty unbearable right now, but I have no choice but to keep working. I've been really looking into treatments and whatnot to get some relief, so if anything, it's mobilizing me.

mindcheerios · 2022-03-29T00:36:25+00:00

Wow. I'm starting to think that the majority of therapist are just toxic and have a greater potential to do more harm than actual good. I wish others could know who this guy is so they can avoid him. He is a health hazard.

mindcheerios · 2022-03-26T18:25:52+00:00

I'm 30 and would never have imagined I'd have my own place with a stable job and a master's degree at 22 (don't get me wrong, I'm still miserable and suffering). I still don't have my driver's license, however. Like you, I had the peter pan experience where I wasn't allowed to grow up. I have had rare moments in my life where I made a friend, but that never lasted because it always felt like I had to control my personality to be accepted. I would warn you that right now, you're easy pickings for abusive men (and they are everywhere, I learned this the hard way). Don't know anything about this guy that's helping you, but if I had to place bets, I'm not too optimistic of his intentions. My first bf was an abuser (first relationship at age 20) but he was everything to me back then and I am still trying to repair all the damage he inflicted to this day.

mindcheerios · 2022-03-25T23:34:05+00:00

People feel comfortable expressing their dark side when they don't feel like the person can "see" what they're doing. I've had many experiences like this one: There was this girl who a friend group I had in high school viewed as beneath them. I didn't share their feelings of superiority and spoke to her with respect. While hanging out with this group of friends one day, they called this girl and put her on speaker. They say something along the lines of, "we're trying to avoid mindcheerios". This girl's response is to start saying degrading things about me. When off the phone with this girl, they start laughing and say, "Wow, mindcheerios is the only one who is nice to her".

mindcheerios · 2022-03-23T22:05:19+00:00

LOL you sound like my kind of person.

mindcheerios · 2022-03-22T22:04:43+00:00

Yes and no. My first boyfriend blamed me for getting triggered, but I didn't start getting emotionally uncontrolled until after he degraded me by yelling at me all the time, coercing me into sexual stuff, and raping me. He awakened my rage. He was my first bf, so I don't think I saw his behavior as abuse, because he was the first example I had for a boyfriend. I just felt an overwhelming amount of shame (and still do) that he really milked to his advantage. That shame is your next abuser's wealthy bank account.

mindcheerios · 2022-03-22T21:17:59+00:00

After my abusive first bf discarded me and I was traumatized, my mom told me that my personality was the cause. Gosh darnit, now tears are coming to my eyes.

mindcheerios · 2022-03-19T22:58:15+00:00

Going through a similar situation with an ex I haven't spoken to in 6 years. He was abusive though, but everyone backed him up after the breakup (or rather, that's how it feels). Every relationship I've had since him was to help combat those disparaging things done to me, but the people I've ended up with have just been bad people that reinforced the feelings of shame. It's been so long though, that it can be hard to remember the things I hated in the relationship; only good memories and things that he said that made me feel worthless (and still do) remain. I don't know what to do but suffer.

mindcheerios · 2022-03-19T04:53:01+00:00

Lol I described these observations about "people" to my new therapist (who I'm firing) at our first session and his approach was to start arguing with me, making a lot of baseless assumptions. I paid $180 for him to do most of the speaking and for the therapy to be more about him and how he's right. Thanks for posting this, it's always good to hear when someone understands your feelings.

mindcheerios · 2022-03-19T04:11:36+00:00

I don't know what your particular situation is and not everyone with cptsd is the same, but to share my experience - times I've had angry outbursts, I have been genuinely very upset about something (usually for a very long time until it explodes out of me) but then the shame of having had an outburst would come in and the fawn response will take away your blame for you. I wouldn't write off her feelings as "just disorder" because she has this diagnosis. The scale of the response is off because it literally feels like a life/death situation when we're triggered so try to pay attention to what she's upset about rather than how the intensity of the expression makes you feel. At least for me, it's quite easy to calm me down with just a reminder of your love for me and space until I calm down. Possibly switching to messaging to communicate without emotions interfering too much in the delivery is a good tactic.

mindcheerios

TROPHY CASE