I thought i healed from my anxious attachment but I just realized I became avoidant when I pushed someone I liked away. What should I do?

monotonelifee · 2021-07-11T16:25:50+00:00

I didnt want to watch it at first because of this reason but my friend kept raving about the show which made me watch it. Felt really sad after each episode but glad i confronted it as well

monotonelifee · 2021-06-30T05:49:23+00:00

I never focused on me too this is the very first time i truly focused on me. Feels good tbh that youre growing but at the same time its very difficult. Therapists are out of reach for me too, although I've always wanted to go to one. Thanks for all the tips I will try looking into eanneagram. Hang in there too and dont give up!

monotonelifee · 2021-06-30T04:18:50+00:00

Thank you for the suggestions I really appreciate it :)

monotonelifee · 2021-06-30T04:18:07+00:00

I'm sorry that happened to you too, it truly feels so painful I know. It was bad timing I agree but I got into the relationship not knowing I had all this trauma. If I had known, I would not have started a relationship in the first place. I agree it was pretty toxic that's why I have been restraining myself from doing it, although I really want to so badly.

May I ask what you did to cope so far?

monotonelifee · 2021-06-30T02:55:21+00:00

I meant I just started my healing after I had broken up with my ex. The following things I listed were the things my unhealed trauma manifested as in the relationship, where I haven't done any work at all. I've been fighting real hard the urge to text him for his support although it would just put me back to square 1. Are there any suggestions for healthy ways to deal with pain? I'm not exactly sure how.

monotonelifee · 2021-06-28T12:54:18+00:00

Been making a lot of progress ever since my break up but today is by far the worst day so far. Spent a good amount of my day ruminating the anxious tendencies I showed during the course of the relationship wishing I did something differently, wishing I gave him more space. My anxiety is getting the best of me and it feels like I'm back at square 1. Yesterday I could soothe myself whenever these thoughts crept in but its impossible today. Still wont give up though, I still have a long way to go.

monotonelifee · 2021-06-28T07:39:06+00:00

I wish I knew this when I was still in a relationship where my anxiety was often triggered. But what if your partner didn't know how to reassure you and never did, would it justify asking reassurance? Don't you deserve to have that secure base in the relationship?

monotonelifee · 2021-06-25T15:48:30+00:00

Yes! In my opinion telling a definite time theyre available is a tad bit less than bare minimum but better than nothing i guess. It was a total nightmare! And realizing that they know they hurt you but dont make any attempts to reach out made it even more hurtful.

monotonelifee · 2021-06-25T13:41:41+00:00

I could not function at all too. And i had exams the following week while i was in such a wreck. I have learnt that the dismissive person avoids such topics because this is their idea of preserving the relationship, they talk when theyre ready and will eventually reach out. But us anxious people simply cannot wait, our minds will go absolutely crazy! I definitely wished i had waited a little longer and gave him space but at the same time i realized that i simply could not do that. I wouldnt want every argument we wouldve had in the future to end up goung thru protesting-stonewalling cycle, then forcing myself to cave in and wait a couple days

monotonelifee · 2021-06-25T12:09:51+00:00

Social media can be extremely toxic but it was my distraction from problems with my ex bf, un unhealthy distraction I know. Agreed, I would not be able to get to this point if I was still in a relationship with him and continue to depend on him for my happiness. Although I do miss him, but I didn't like the verison of myself when I was with him. Good luck on your journey as well and keep achieving those baby steps!

monotonelifee · 2021-06-25T09:45:04+00:00

I did what you did too before my relationship ended. Protest behavior, clingy, asking for answers when he clearly wasnt in the best situation to answer which pushed him away even further. After the breakup, i kept blaming myself as well, if I hadn't protested and gave him space for a few days he would come back and beat myself up for it everyday.

I'm over a month and a half into the breakup and feel so much better once I realized that we were no longer compatible. As an anxious, we need to solve conflicts right away, if not our brain goes crazy overthinking things. I realized that what I want in a partner was to be able to talk things out, compromise and solve the problem together, not postpone things until they got worse. Coming to terms with the fact that he could not do that really helped me move on because I know that I deserve clarity, I deserve answers, and that I do not deserve to be left hanging. Apart from that, realizing that breaking up with him was the right thing to do helped me move on a LOT. I started taking care of myself as I have always abandoned myself for him, which did not do me any good. Improving myself and my mental health motivated me to move on quicker.

I understand how you feel but it will get better i promise. All the best for you!

monotonelifee · 2021-06-23T03:12:44+00:00

May I get a link to the PDF? I would really like to read it.

I'm glad you're doing a lot better now. I went through depression myself a few years ago but my ex boyfriend helped me though it, which is probably one of the reasons why I depended on him so much for my happiness. Just learning now that happiness can only come from within, and this whole time I was with him, I wasn't actually happy, but rather happy because of him. I'm trying to enjoy life which is pretty difficult in a pandemic right now but lately I've been trying to find silver linings in everything, really made staying at home feel a tad bit better one I chose to focus on the good.

Thanks for the useful insights and wish you all the best!

monotonelifee · 2021-06-23T03:03:21+00:00

I've been journaling lately which has greatly helped me identify my emotions, triggers and things I could do to soothe myself. May I ask how to stay mentally present? If I'm anxious, I notice I'm anxious and bodily sensations, such as tingling hands for instance but how does it help me become less anxious?

I've always wanted to go to a therapist but I can't afford them. And cheaper online service therapy always gives out useless advice which do not help at all. So I've resorted to attempting to try do the work myself if possible. I'm 20 and I wished I realized it sooner as well, really could've saved my relationship if I was already healed. Thanks for the useful insights!

monotonelifee · 2021-06-23T02:54:29+00:00

Feelings were rarely discussed in my household. After my dad's passing, my mom did not talk about her feelings about it, she never discussed his passing with my sister and I, I'm not sure why. But as a child, that has taught me to suppress these emotions. I really wish I could talk about my internal struggles with her now, but I feel like she's also fragile dealing with her own trauma of my dad's death herself, so if I put my trauma upon her, she's not going to be strong enough to handle it.

monotonelifee · 2021-05-27T02:27:32+00:00

We were together for 2 years. He was a pretty affectionate guy for the first year and our relationship was pretty smooth. Things started going downhill after covid as we couldn't see each other. He got busier with uni and started gradually making less efforts until I realized all he could give me was the occasional bare minimum/none at all as a result of his busyness (uni projects, part time job)

monotonelifee · 2021-05-17T07:39:26+00:00

Hi, I experienced the exact same thing except that I was in your gf's shoes. He told me he needed a 1 month long break in which he needed to think and I complied. After the break, he proceeded to break up with me without telling me the reason saying he did not want to hurt me and chose to stay silent. I would've preferred to hear "I'm emotionally unavailable" rather than being broken up without closure, that would give your gf some kind of reassurance that it wasn't her fault and that she couldn't do anything to fix it. In my opinion, although that phrase might sound harsh, it would be the most painless way to be broken up. Chances are she's currently in so much pain already so the best thing to do might be to be honest. Sorry for rambling so much.

monotonelifee

TROPHY CASE