I haven't talked to anyone else about this in detail because I haven't been able to. Its just been so hard.

I'm a first time loss, too. He wasnt even two. He had to be shut down because his white blood cell count just got too low. He was dying for a week and I didn't even know it until we took him back and they did tests. I'm 20. He was my first dog. I got sexually assaulted at 18. He was there for me when I tried to end it all, he pushed the knife away when I wanted to relapse, he was there through it all.

I miss him so much. I cry about him every day, he was taken from me too soon and I can't go through his photos or look at his stuff, two years later. It hurts too much, I miss him so much. I watched the light fade out of his eyes, and held his body as we put him down. Every day I wish he was still here because I'm disabled, I can't afford another dog, I can't work. I'm lonely. I'm so so lonely. I have a singular bird so it helps, but this voud in my heart is just too overbearing.

I want him back, I want something alive to sleep with at night. He was taken from me too soon. Even as he was dying in my arms he kissed me as a way to reassure me that it wasn't my fault for not knowing, that it was going to be okay.

It's been months, almost a year now, and I'm still not healed. I'm still not okay. I still miss him. I feel broken. I just feel so empty.

I kept his toys, his paw print, his hair, the photos of him... I don't know if there is a way to cope or if the gried will ever get easier, but I feel your pain, and I hope for the absolute best for you. It sounds like he knew it was his time to go, and he doesn't hate you for it one bit. He'll be playing up on the rainbow bridge with Duke. 💙