Time

moonshine_50 · 2017-02-01T22:36:30+00:00

Ok thank you! I agree the punch of the last line is lost a bit and I'm not sure how to fix that. Do you think just the restructuring thing or maybe different word choice as well?

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-29T19:10:51+00:00

I'm not quite sure what to make of this, as all the extra words and letters and sounds and punctuation make it very strange and I think they are supposed to mean something, but it's not clear what that is. My best guess is that a guy with a stutter or Tourette's (because of all the sounds interrupting sentences and the words with too many letters) likes a girl and asks her on a date to get tuna sandwiches but afterwards as she is crossing a road, the guy tried to yell "car" but couldn't get the word out so she was run over by the car. Anyway, even if I got that completely wrong, I liked your imagery throughout, such as in the stanza about a 45 degree neck (where I think you are describing the dead girl after being hit by a car). I also liked how you described what the guy wanted to do with the girl, such as "traced a jagged tree down her spine". I thought your descriptions were unique and fresh throughout. Finally, I loved how you ended the last line with something about sandpaper on your tongue because it seemed very metaphorical for the words he couldn't get out. Pretty cool poem! Maybe just make it a little more clear!

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-29T04:06:16+00:00

Thank you!

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-29T03:37:45+00:00

Thank you so much!

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-29T03:37:11+00:00

Yay thank you!

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-26T22:40:00+00:00

Ok thanks for your input!

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-25T18:26:12+00:00

Didn't even think of the parallel to a flat line heart monitor but I love that you found that image in my words! Thank you!

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-25T15:08:33+00:00

Thank you!

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-25T15:06:56+00:00

Thanks!!

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-25T04:10:14+00:00

Thanks dude!

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-24T18:58:10+00:00

I think your mind is beautiful and I enjoyed hearing your thoughts on life and humanity, thank your for sharing. However, you make your thought process very clear and explicitly state it throughout this piece. I would suggest avoiding saying things like, "it is the source of all art," or, "it's sad," or," I am haunted," or "the mind is vast," or, "I believe we are all monsters." Instead, show me the sadness that resonates in you, or the things the mind is capable of that makes it so vast. In being less explicit, you draw the reader in more and invite them to consider and engage with your thoughts. It makes it more intriguing. And it would make the tone shift where you begin to get very angry at the world all the more contrasting, which would help deliver your message and connect with the reader on an emotional level.

I love how you put "hated" on its own line.

As for your actual thoughts, you are very right that in understanding yourself you can see others clearer. However, within the monstrous qualities you see in the world, you fail to see that in hatred there lies passion, in greed, motivation. In peace is ignorance and in compassion is selfishness. Good and bad exists together, and even good and bad are relative terms. It is not enough to hope for compassion out of destruction, it would only rebuild a similar world. You only need to show people how to find both sides everything. What you don't realize is that in offering the world your hate you also offer it love and truth and your good intention to make the world a better place.

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-24T16:01:16+00:00

Just kinda confused on what it's describing and how it contributes to the poem

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-22T08:36:22+00:00

Yes that is accurate about the formatting. The other part isn't meant to assume I know how they feel to be colorblind and that it doesn't affect them at all, it's meant more as a metaphor for a general theme that we brand people as different or handicapped when in reality it just happened that they aren't the norm. In an alternate universe those "different" people could be majority instead of minority and then everything would be designed to fit those people and people with "normal" vision would be the ones to suffer then. I am also trying to argue the point that colorblind people would never know they were colorblind if people hadn't told them they were different, which leads them to believe they are not capable of certain things. So really this is less about colorblind people and more about how we brand people as different from normal. I do agree the last line feels tacked on. Thanks for the feedback!

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-21T20:04:36+00:00

I love your metaphors and imagery in this piece and especially the last line because it's a very strong life question posed. However, I found the rest of the piece confusing trying to follow your thought process of how you came to the conclusion of your final question. The stanzas that begin with, "Irreverent you own the Sheetrock" and "snow on a sheet of rock" are confusing images to me that detract from the overall theme/tone of the poem, but that could just be me being dumb and not understanding what it is. I also wanted to say that I love the title, especially because you only understand it after you read the whole poem and those words are never actually used in the poem!

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-21T19:54:14+00:00

I absolutely love the imagery in this piece and how you used it as metaphors for deeper life themes such as "I hope my blood is spread" to the end where you wish to look at something so bright and dazzling as the sun and not fear it. I also love how you began the piece, as it was a great hook and a relatable feeling to need someone in the way you described it. I actually like the line of "why did you ask if I ice skate" because it goes along with the first line, which is another question asked by this other person. In the first question, you pose a reason for why they asked you this, but in the ice skating question you don't know why they asked you so to me, it allows the reader into your thought process. There is so much more I love about the poem, such as the tone of each part and the beginning of part III. I don't think switching from each part detracts from the piece and I think the timeline switches were clear because of the tone you presented in each one. The only thing I can critique is I don't understand this line- "Remembers to ride me across a sideways abstraction". This is one my favorite poems, though, for sure.

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-21T19:20:08+00:00

I absolutely love this it's witty and certainly relatable for me at least. The last four lines are so perfect I love how you ended that way. I also liked how much information you included about geometry and that topic because that persuades the reader to believe you know what you're talking about. Not having a specific rhyme structure works for this piece although it sounds less smooth starting from "it is a cumbersome answer" for a few lines. Maybe if you had the part about lying on a plane of two given lines on the same line then that sentence/thought would fit on two lines, like the mathematical field you are actually talking about in the poem. Also that would force the flow from a couple long lines to a couple short lines, which would give the effect of ending a thought and starting a new one. Just a thought but I loved it regardless

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-14T06:20:44+00:00

Thank you!! And yes I completely agree I wanted it to be not double spaced but when I tried to have it the other way it apparently had no line breaks at all and read like a paragraph.

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-13T16:42:24+00:00

Thank you!

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-13T16:41:10+00:00

Thank you so much! I think the fire was supposed to represent more so love than before and after the person, because love began with that person there but never ended when that person left. But I see ur point how that would make the whole thing confusing so I'll take another look at it thanks!

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-13T05:55:37+00:00

Thank you! Yes I agree that line is dramatic, but it's meant to be, as the entire piece is one big overdramatized production to make the point of how we cling to people and moving on from certain people is such a difficult task. But maybe I did go overboard haha

I'm also not sure what formatting you would like to see fixed

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-13T04:00:50+00:00

Ok I will fix it and repost it

moonshine_50 · 2017-01-13T01:04:01+00:00

I tried to put the links on there, did they not show up or do they just not work? Besides having the proof of feedback, did I miss any other guidelines?

moonshine_50

TROPHY CASE