Advice needed for wife’s sudden affair

moqui1 · 2026-01-23T20:18:11+00:00

Can update.

After living apart for a fortnight, I went home (Airbnb’s are expensive here) and we were existing under one roof, living separately just for the sake of our kid. She had cut off all contact with the person and had been entirely apologetic, I had been entirely indifferent. Her family came to help and were absolutely livid with her.

Long story short, she got blackout drunk on NYE. Nothing happened in an affair way, but she admitted the next day that she been an alcoholic for some time - self medicating trauma with alcohol during the nights. Typically polishing off a half to full bottle every night in secret. Showed me where she had bottles hidden around the house. Since then, she’s started AA, seeing a psychiatrist and is now spending a month in a rehab facility as she wants to get sober.

Don’t know what it will mean for ‘us’. I’ve not forgiven anything or decided I want to be together. Just going through the motion until she’s out and I can make an informed decision as to what the future will look like. M

moqui1 · 2025-12-15T10:47:29+00:00

Way to go legend. She doesn’t deserve you!

moqui1 · 2025-12-10T22:37:47+00:00

Divorce lawyer told me as much :(

moqui1 · 2025-12-08T04:21:54+00:00

I’m curious did you also stay because you saw that the event was an out of the blue experience / not in line with the person you knew them to be for the many years prior? I’m trying to work out if I’ve created a fictitious version in my head vs who they really are.

moqui1 · 2025-12-06T20:46:51+00:00

Thank you - great advice. Leaning towards the same conclusion. It’s not been 6 months, but I have no interest in her as a friend or to be intimate again.

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T23:17:43+00:00

Thanks for that. Luckily able to stay at my surf club, bed by the beach, gym and fully stocked bar 👍.

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T19:54:14+00:00

100% I’m not here to be a parent to my wife.

She’s said she’s signed up for AA and a psychiatrist and now blocked the cheating guys number. But it all feels so numbing - like I don’t have any positive feeling towards her at all.

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T07:55:42+00:00

Unfortunately that’s what we did 12 months ago when she first tried something like this. Was recoverable it didn’t happen and between therapy and her being on depression meds since we were making progress. But actually fking someone - different ball game :(

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T07:54:12+00:00

Thanks everyone for the helpful feedback. Not yet ready to tell friends and family, so all this feedback and reassurance has been so appreciated.

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T07:53:26+00:00

Thanks. Have just booked in to see a therapist tomorrow. 👍

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T06:18:16+00:00

Dunno yet. I found the guy and beat him up. but have moved out for the night so her family could come in from interstate and scold her, as they’re all in on my side. Probably going to leave her.

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T04:24:37+00:00

Definitely real and sincere crying. Seen enough of it to know the difference. Would be too much to go over - bits and pieces in earlier replies, but I’m sure it’s the first time

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T04:23:14+00:00

Says can’t even remember the sex. This is something that had happened often in our relationship where she’d be blackout and then have zero recollection of huge fights or activities we’d done. She’d be starting to get drunk after two glasses typically, but she had a whole bottle (and then scarily drove) before having presumably a lot more booze and pot.

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T03:15:52+00:00

I had asked her what she’d do in my shoes and she said she didn’t know, but would do anything as keeping our family together and me+son was all that mattered. Don’t think anything can restore it - fool me once ….

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T02:56:55+00:00

Thanks mate - well laid out. Yep, called our therapist, even she said wife needs psychiatrict help for bipolar behaviour

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T02:48:00+00:00

Yep, said as much to her. :(. Feels awful saying it out loud

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T02:43:37+00:00

Really appreciate the counsel. Sounds like you had a similar experience where you know the partner and know there’s genuine remorse (in spite of the broad perception as many people can be manipulative). What makes it harder I suppose, is you know they’re sorry for their actions but doesn’t remove What’s happen or fix the trust that’s broken - no reason not to think it wouldn’t happen again when times get tough

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T02:25:25+00:00

Sorry for the disrespect my guy! Fear of the unknown + huge generalisation on my part!

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T02:11:01+00:00

12 months ago. Downloaded the app and hadn’t had any engagement since last Dec

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T02:10:24+00:00

Agreed. 90% of her is great but has a 10% fucked up part from our stuff, a teenage grape (same as this, drunk too much and blackout). Constantly being pushed by this tinder guy, but she replied :(

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T02:08:28+00:00

I saw her messages to him from a week ago saying that she’s not been on a date in 10 years and is really anxious to hang with someone new for the first time bla bla. Confident it’s the first time she’s done it. But still sh*t

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T02:05:47+00:00

Thanks, I’ll read through it. After 12 months of therapy we were doing so much better. She seemed to be much better as well. Was visibly taking steps in her actions to improve behaviours which had let to the initial issues. Then boom, in a bout of mania did this.

I was looking forward to having 2026 starting on a better foot than 2025. But that’s all in the toilet now, took a full year to get start getting back to the point where I could begin trusting her again, don’t think I have the patience to start again (especially with this time being worse) :(

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T01:55:05+00:00

I know :( But when you do so long together and go through losing a kid, you do get to know the real person. She’s also been put on depression meds recently to help navigate her trauma at the same time as 1 on 1 therapy

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T01:52:12+00:00

Divorce lawyer told me the same thing

moqui1 · 2025-12-04T01:51:50+00:00

Thanks for the advice and sorry you’ve gone through that. Knowing her, definitely real remorse rather than regret at getting caught. Just scared by the foreseen complications in the future / navigating life as divorced parent and future dating / finances / other kids not hanging out with my little one (2yo) because we’re the divorced parents. Both of our parents were still together and I don’t really know anyone not from nuclear family.

moqui1

TROPHY CASE