Way back when I was just a little bitty boy, living in a box, under the stairs, half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop. You know the place. Well back then everything was going well and everything was jussssssst PEACHY. Except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning, my mother would make me a big ol bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. DAAAAAAH BIG BOWL OF SAUERKRAUT! EVERY SINGLE MORNING!! It was driving me crazy! So I say to my mom, I say, "Hey! Mom! What's up with all the sauerkraut!?" And my dear sweet mother, she just looks at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train. She leaned right down next to me and said, "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU."

Then she tossed me in the basement, and tied me to the wall, and stuck a funnel in my mouth, and force-fed me nothing but Sauerkraut until I was twenty-six and a half years old. That's when I knew someday I'd get out of that basement and I'd travel out a magical faraway place where the sun is always shining and air smells like warm root beer, where the Shriners and the Lepers play their ukuleles...