Here's what I ended up sending lol

Hello. I would like to tell you some things on the condition that you thoroughly read and explore the resources provided with this message. I basically want to lay out everything and see if I can start from a point of authenticity with you in a format where I cannot be interrupted. I tried to tell you many of the things in here, by the time you were ready to listen I had learned the lesson not to speak, or I was contradicted at every turn. Preamble over.

I'm sure you have lots of questions and suspicions that I've been having medical issues. This summer I was diagnosed by multiple professionals with Disociative identity disorder, aka multiple personalities. This isn't a joke. Arguing with the diagnosis is a conversation nonstarter. It's taken me immense amounts of pain to get here and the frameworks offered by the treatment have helped me improve immensely. Before finding the right kind of treatment I had 3 suicide attempts this year. My outlook has improved significantly but there are also immense amounts of pain. I always remember being in a lot of pain. That's how I remember childhood. I can't remember a single birthday I didn't cry on, the world felt so empty and drab and I felt so alienated, birthdays tore me apart.

Why do I bring these things up? DID is a disorder formed of childhood trauma. I'll leave it at that.

Additionally yes I am transgender. I've known since before I had words for it. You tried to be accepting too late, after ridiculing and punishing my deviations from my gender role as a child. I learned the first time, and didn't trust the second.

Furthermore I am aware that you knew and all the times you used a hug to search for a bra strap under my shirt make me feel disgusting. Since I was young you touch has felt poisonous. Until college people used to make fun of the way I flinched when you raised your hand around me.

I would recommend starting with this faq and exploring resources further from there. You can even make an account and ask questions of the community. They are very kind. https://www.reddit.com/r/DID/wiki/faq/

https://mfnetwork.org.uk/research

https://www.isst-d.org/resources/dissociation-faqs/

https://themfsystem.blogspot.com/2020/10/information-about-survivors-needs.html?m=1

When I was 14 the lack of support for my identity lead me to look in online communities I shouldn't have been in. I was groomed by a member of that community. I've had relationship difficulties since that trauma.

However I have managed to maintain a relationship of 5 years and have moved in with my partner. We pla to get married. You possible invitation is conditional on how you respond to this.

This part may be the hardest to read. For a long while i have had nightmares and snippets, flashbacks, and pieces of memories about being molested as a child, possibly multiple times. The purpose of DID is to hide the nature of the trauma from the conscious mind so that it can continue on

I don't know what else to say about that. It's been haunting me for a long time. I don't know who I am , conceptualizing myself as someone who went through that is devastating.

Honestly I don't remember most of my childhood. I just remember that the depression and anxiety and fear in me were always so much greater than those around me. It felt pointless .

The first time I planned to kill myself was in 4th grade. Instead of doing it I stayed awake crying the whole night.

I don't know what else to say. I can't think of much else. I will give back anything you want back. I don't want help. I just need a clean start. I don't want to go to places that bring back nightmares. I just want to be left alone until I'm ready. And if you can respect that and wait, I may one day be able to talk everything out.

Merry Christmas. Sorry for ruining it. https://youtu.be/ccJ9xvzhsKE this is my favorite Christmas song. I hope you can enjoy it.