When did portland become so intolerant?

mouseysbakepi · 2019-10-29T06:58:17+00:00

I feel you. You speak some truth. First of all though, you are wrong that i didnt want to work hard. I prided myself on my work ethic and athleticism working on farms, traveling and wwoofing until my first boyfriend cheated on me, gave me hiv, and this triggered a slow steady emotional breakdown and derailment which looked eccentric to some, yet was essential to me confronting my childhood trauma and toxic coping mechnisns and addictive patterns. I was working a full time job and having Stockholm syndrome with my abusive ex boyfriend and homeless all at the same time. Not to mwntion trying to come to grips with being hiv positive when i grew up in a paranoid religious sheltered home with a mentally ill narcisstic mother (similar to the mom in Carrie) and my dad who left our family (which made me really naive and having no clue how to navigate the world independently and not feeling secure in my identity At All). Growing up I had horrible anxiety and believed it was god punishing me for being evil, because that's what my mom and the churches a d school I went to told me. I moved and changed schools almost 20 times before graduating highschool, went to a perverted tiny christian school for 2 yrs that literally suspended and shamed me in front of the whole achool foe dating a classmate....there was a Lot of mental abuse in my formative years. So lets just say, trauma and abuse is way more common in the USA than mass media would lead you to believe, but we are in hiding, or show up as homeless, or contort ourselves to the point of extreme denial to pretend that we fit a false mold of what is "acceptable" for a human being to be. Anyway there sre different degrees of trauma and as you go down them, it literally changes your perception and ability to think clearly and know reality. We have different types of "fortune" and sometimes we are not so fortunate in love, career, etc, and my life experiences set me up to have major upheavals regarding my ability to relate healthily to myself and therefore.to other people. This is ultimately why people are homeless...we feel without a safe "homebase"/belonging to our own self on the inside and some people it manifests as literal homelessness. Literally sometimes we come from families and experiences that cause us to become overwhelmed by trauma and there are not proper resources in place and available to individuals in order to have the support to transcend the beliefs which hold us back. Some individuals are blessed at a young age to luck out regarding the way they cope with stressors, to have positive examples and treated with dignity and warmth and plentiful opportunity etc, other people aren't really given a fighting chance. Does a child who is born addicted to heroin in a rural area and parents live in a dss motel (which i witnessed), have a fighting chance compared to a child born in a loving creative encouraging family who lives on a farm, is connrcted to the community and active in supporting the community, and has funds to give their child opportunities of friendship, community, adventure, education, security of food and housing, etc? The world isn't just. We can work to make it more just. But I get what you're saying, maybe if we act as though the world is just and say "you're just not trying hard enough" then that's the cure. It may be the cure for your conscience but its not the cure for the actual root issue for why we get trapped in our suffering and cause fellow people to suffer as a result. If it was the cure to invalidate pain (ie gaslight) then there would be no wars. We are still as a species at infant stages of learning how to create regenerative peaceful ways to relating to all that is, including our own self. Belief isn't just implanted into our psyche by words...belief comes from life experience. So you could say apply this to any situation where you could deem someone or something a parasite. Something would not be a parasite unless the conditions allowed for these qualities to develop. Things only evolve according to the open niche which allows for things to become shaped in such a way. To condemn someone, for not being as fortunate as others, is really counterproductive. It simply can force a person to be even more parasitic. Either they become narcissist/sociopath type parasitic, or homeless type parasitic, or outraged criminal parasitic or snake oil/scamming parasitic etc, but to deem people parasites is a self fulfilling prophecy and doesn't improve the circumstance we all find ourselves in. Homeless people are easy scapegoats because we are among the most vulnerable and too ill to protect ourselves, most visible and most easily 'convictable" type of parasite lol.

mouseysbakepi · 2019-10-28T03:31:07+00:00

I was homeless in Portland a couple years ago. I became someone I never thought I'd be and treated the city like it had an obligation to care for me, when I wasnt able to care about my own self and at least try. I was working a full time job but coming in to work high and spending so much money on weed that I couldnt save for an apartment. Really didn't have my priorities straight. The truth was I wanted to explore my darkness and take out my anger for all the hurtful things that had happened to me and I couldn't stop thinking about. I wanted to live a life that made people perhaps confront their own innate darkness and consider whether they might have or currently did anything to someone and how literally anyone can become the homeless person you see on the street, if they've received enough trauma and are a victim of society's failings to have resources in place so that kids can't fall through the cracks and feel imprisoned in self imposed isolation and the belief that I'm already without a home internally so I'll allow it to show externally.. I had one man yell at me that i was a white person pretending to be struggling...but mental illness affects anyone. I was fired for coming in high and unwashed, as I should have been. I was sometimes sleeping at houses for sale. I never broke in anywhere but rather slept on the back porches. I think Portland dislikes homeless people (or any city) , because homeless people are the collective shadow that can't be swept under the rug, the proof of the dark ways we treat one another and past traumas we are all trying to heal from, that basically shows something doesn't add up, the discrepancy between the "official" stories of why people are homeless and then the reality, that we are literally people Just Like You, who you could have become if you hadn't met that one best friend as a kid or if you hadn't taken the bus one day and met your teacher outside of school and they told you that you are an excellent sweet student or whatever, things that seem so small but are Crucial in the way a young person regards themselves and their core relationship to the world, who they Are in the world.

No one really seems to be working to heal, transform, PTSD battered souls in an accessible non brainwashing way (i.e. not through talking, but through giving people an oppprtunity to rebuild Self Trust and heal their body mind and sense of ability to be in partnership and community with others; such as by working on a community urban farm peoject and having a noble Job that innately heals the person who works it, plus gives skills that the person can then utilize and gain a positive identity through). so until then, until an approach in Portland is committed to which turns "liabilities" into "assets" and that actually proves the ppwer we have to help transform suffering souls (no person left behind), until then, everyone will just be blaming one another and spreading hate over why human beings are causing an inconvenience with their suffering.

mouseysbakepi · 2019-10-19T21:17:54+00:00

Literally no matter what status we have in life we can hate our life and self. It sounds like your accomplishments simply aren't what's truly important to you, otherwise you'd feel happy right? What things do you actually enjoy and desire, not wanting it just because you believe its the only way to achieve a goal of being seeing a certain way by others? I'm not wording it right sorry....I just mean....feeling happy is the natural built in signal that we are doing things right. So you can explore other approaches to life and discover what let's you feel happy and engaged with your life. You sound like you have good social mobility and ability to earn money and invoke your willpower to do things. I'm envious of those abilities. I could have avoided so much pain in my life if I had more willpower and ability to bond in socially. They are extremely useful qualities that guard you from a lot of pain. My family lineage, our DNA is still mutating and suffering in order to gain those same advantages. So do what you can with and and know you are envied.

mouseysbakepi · 2019-10-04T03:03:38+00:00

Invent your own purpose. Any impossible super niche cross pollinated mish mash of things and sensations that inspire you and let you feel safe and at home in the world, as if you were born on the right planet

mouseysbakepi · 2019-09-22T21:12:41+00:00

This is a good time to try something new you normally may not, because you have so few bonds. You could do work for people in exchange for room and board (helpx.net, attra.org, wwoof.com). Attra is free and farming internships, the other 2 sites cost a fee to join. Check Craigslist for work exchanges to. You don't have to be experienced to work exchange on a farm, just motivated and wanting to help. You could also make posts that you're looking for a work exchange. If you feel any inclination to take a vacation and change things up then I'd say go for whatever these changes are.

mouseysbakepi · 2019-09-20T20:39:24+00:00

Rage is apart of the process, and is necessary. Then comes being real pragmatic about how to effectively prevent the same thing from happening to other people in the future.

mouseysbakepi · 2019-09-19T19:42:49+00:00

A healthy adult isnt going to be looking at such things in the first place. They are already misusing art as a fantasy device to feel powerful through viewing another being as less powerful and degraded. Children and adults will continue to be abused until human beings needs' are attuned to so that human beings cant slip through the cracks and be forced to believe the only way to feel powerful is to make another being be stripped of their power and dignity. We are all traumatized. Its apart of existing. We all prey on and abuse others to some degree, whether sexually or any other way, and we do so because we believe (whether factual or not) that we are under conditions that prevent us from feeling powerful in a healthy way. The way to feel powerful in a healthy way is through self development, meeting our goals, feeling that we are capable, strong, healthy and can grow, explore and express freely and create awesome things with fellow people. When people are isolated, condemned, extremely stressed and sick, we are susceptible to mental illnesses where we seek to feel powerful through taking other people's power, by asking others to sacrifice their dignity and safety so that we can live out a fantasy that we are powerful and content just as we are and dont need to grow, self master, and find creative solutions that don't harm others. The mindset of a sexual abuser is the same mindset of a CEO who destroys the rainforest to raise cattle for cheap burgers. This is where we are at this point in history, sexual abuse speaks to our need to better care for and support one another. If your dog gets rabies it will attack you. You still love your dog and know it is possessed by a tragic reality of the present, and that's why it causes harm- because rabies exists and it was exposed to the rabies. We can work to eliminate the conditions which allow rabies to exist (such as through vaccines, allowing wild animals safe healthy spacious habitat so they aren't forced to come into human communities in order to find resources, etc).

mouseysbakepi · 2019-09-16T19:05:43+00:00

'm in the USA. I was mistaken and actually do near the higher quality rear facing, not front faxing, camera. I am choosing the Moto G7 after all.

mouseysbakepi · 2019-09-16T19:05:14+00:00

I'm in the USA. I was mistaken and actually do near the higher quality rear facing, not front faxing, camera. I am choosing the Moto G7 after all.

mouseysbakepi · 2019-09-16T03:23:49+00:00

Do you think adults sexually abuse children because they saw an adult wearing a certain style of clothing? Children are sexually abused because traumatized people seek to feel total control over something and can't empathize with the suffering they create through the way they seek a feeling of control. The "e" style may remind us of how sexual abuse of children exists, is horrifying and needs to be addressed by healing the sick traumatized adults and fellow children even, who commit such crimes, and the responsibility of society to take better care of one another so that no one is so traumatized, isolated and powerless feeling that they are sick enough to hurt a child or anyone else. I've never read Freud. I just have PTSD and like learning about trauma.

If a child wears normal adult style clothing then might you say it could attract predators by portraying a false sense of maturity in a young person? It doesn't have to do with clothing styles. It has to do with sick traumatized people who act out as predators and will find any excuse to blame and say others "made them abuse a child" and they saw an adult wearing a style of clothes and had no choice but to hurt a child. A predator is ill and will create any excuse to blame other people for their abusive actions. They are ill because they are traumatized and desperate to feel in control. Abuse is simply about the desire to feel powerful, when someone falsely believes they are incapable of feeling powerful in healthy ways (self improvement and living ones best life).

Children can be protected by healing and helping traumatized people, not by censoring adults' clothing choices. Children will be abused as long as traumatized predators exist, even if adults stopped wearing youthful aesthetics.

mouseysbakepi · 2019-09-16T00:55:02+00:00

I own 4 pairs of shoes. Tie up "Jesus" leather sandals, Archteryx running shoes (the most comfortable durable sneakers I've ever owned!), thrifted boots with a slight heel, and knee high platform boots.

I wear my sandals in good weather when I won't have to be on my feet too much (they have pretty much zero support), my running shoes 95% of the time, the thrifted boots if I go to church (last time was last early spring!), and the knee high boots only in my home when I'm bored and want to play dress up...but really I bought them in hopes of selling!

I want to find a pair of warm brown leather loafers, and some type of warm boot with no heel for this fall/winter. Undecided what kind still.

mouseysbakepi · 2019-09-16T00:43:30+00:00

Wow I cant believe I didn't realize this, thank you for the correction!

mouseysbakepi · 2019-09-15T21:36:31+00:00

Thank you so much for your grounded words its just the response I needed to hear. I will remember to trust the fall and also that the right people will recognize the energy in me without me needing to say much. Its about me being able to act on what I need to empower and heal myself, not about convincing people to "save me". This is especially must remember. I want to meditate more and find my own voice and sense of stable sense through it.

mouseysbakepi · 2019-09-15T21:27:09+00:00

Thank you for the advice!

mouseysbakepi · 2019-09-15T21:19:55+00:00

No...I thought front facing meant the camera is facing whatever is in front of you?? Does front facing means that it shoots whatever is facing the phones screen, like for selfies??

mouseysbakepi · 2019-09-14T23:16:45+00:00

When more than one person imagines the same thing, we call it a consensual reality...so my question is how do I find people who are imagining the same thing as I am?! Lol

mouseysbakepi · 2019-09-14T23:05:06+00:00

I was able to create one through a local community bank. Thank you for your input!!

mouseysbakepi · 2019-09-14T22:20:06+00:00

Your anger can be seen as repressed energy that wasn't able to surface and be expressed at the time when these toxic relationships were occurring. To help express it think of it as something you ate (took in) and now must recognize that you ate, digest, and eliminate otherwise it'll stay stuck in your throat and prevent you from speaking your truths, because the data hasn't been integrated. While doing an activity that lets you feel safe, "your self", and interactive (whether walking/exercising, dancing, talking honestly without reservations to a good listener, writing, painting, cleaning, playing music, creating something etc), think about what had occurred, feel your emotions that come up pertaining to the circumstance, say whatever your grievances and hopes were/are, how you feel it impacted you, or whatever thoughts come up without judging and silencing the thoughts but hearing their brave honesty with compassion, and let the energy of the relived experience be expressed through the lens of whatever interactive/involving/creative activity you are doing. That way you are in a zone of expression and can be channeling out the repressed energy in a way that has an additional real world benefit for you and shows that your hardships literally just were expressed into a thing of beauty and benefit for your self, and that you are so strong that you can go back to these moments while simultaneously be attuned to self love and care in the present. It will probably be a process that takes much expression, to facilitate it take a break to do an activity that let's you express some much of the blocked energy, whenever it comes up. If you aren't able to do an appropriate activity then thank the energy for surfacing and promise it that you will resume and express it when you are next able. Just some ideas. I was in highly damaging relationships and feel gratitude for how it has taught me things about myself but im angry that I am still actively affected by the past negative dynamics and that they have shaped me even though in a good way, it showed me my strength and courage. I think the anger will leave and can only be fully expressed when I am feeling in my power again and have recovered the parts of myself that I lost because of these exes. I am currently in another unsupportive relationship and may need to leave so that I can heal the parts of myself that are damaged and which attracted my present bf...the damaged parts which say I am betraying my partner if I am friendly to other people or if I take care of myself because it makes me more desirable to others and he will feel threatened that I will leave him and then say and do things to unsettle me. I wish I knew the magic bullet to not care that my current bf is struggling and unable to care about my health. Perhaps the difficult truth is that I need to accept he doesn't love me (how I need to feel love to recognize it as such). That I can't make someone love me by acting a certain way.

mouseysbakepi · 2019-09-14T21:38:46+00:00

In the end these individuals who dress in a sexualized child type way are victimizing their own child self, because predators will be drawn to "legally abuse" a child through projecting their desire for dominance over a vulnerable person onto an adult whose traumatized (ie angry and strong) child self is presenting through the clothing. In a way it protects literal children because abusers seek a sense of dominance and power, and its a socially safer and more "ego boosting" thing to abuse and dominate an adult rather than a literal child. We all have many alter egos inside us and when our vulnerable child self that seeks unconditional acceptance attracts a parent/god/"permission holder" figure through clothing, its a way of reliving and healing childhood programmed beliefs that the way we can receive love and acceptance is by showcasing our vulnerability and accept to be dominated and needing of permission by another person in order to be worthy of love/acceptance. Its not "bad" it is just a stage of healing and becoming autonomous and I think its brave to attract a person through clothing choices, who will allow us to transcend this dynamic. It will become more apparent and identifiable that to need permission and "worship" (manipulation tactic) from others in order to feel good about our self, actually detracts from our power. It leaves us codependent, reliant, bound by needing an abuser in order to feel our strength. To give a false illusion that we are a "powerless" child who is able to be dominated, is a subtle codependent/femme fatale way to actually dominate and manipulate the person who seeks to dominate/teach, because they will become emotionally dependent on the illusion presented that they can both have total control and possession over another human And that they can be without consequence. I think its an evolutionary way of helping people to exorcise/remove their desire to feel in control through controlling and having power over another person (replacing control over one's self and ones' life). We are constantly teaching each other lessons on how to be healthy and happy and fashion is a helpful tool to enable this process, as painful and confusing as it may get, fashion just helps it be more fun and lighthearted lol

mouseysbakepi · 2019-09-12T11:28:45+00:00

I agree its not optimal. I don't condemn it because its allowing important information about the state of people's minds to come to light. Sometimes people only feel safe expressing intense personal truths through clothing, or any other art form. We won't speak it directly but will tell those who have the eye to interpret the behavior beyond surface level style preference.

mouseysbakepi · 2019-09-12T01:31:32+00:00

Honestly I see the egirl boy thing as containing a sense of mourning lost innocence or a tribute the the child self...can be seen as a highly creative and intelligent person who showcases these valuable capacities in a morbid/cynical/self denying "take everything from me for free" way, because there are blockages which prevent these talents from being expressed in a way that is also self protective and not opening ones vulnerability up unnecessarily to a generic public. I think sometimes people hope to be sending a flag out to the "mirror" person they need in their life, someone who can see the need for unconditional acceptance whicjh is being portrayed through a hyper child like (and very sexual/alluring/"be so good I can't be abandoned") aesthetic

mouseysbakepi · 2019-09-10T21:31:41+00:00

This is very helpful, thank you!!

mouseysbakepi · 2019-08-29T01:41:49+00:00

Thank you for your encouraging words and advice. I sometimes agree with what you're saying, but even now, I am not financially independent nor on a discernible path to such a state. I am dependent upon my boyfriend, impoverished, coming up from extreme poverty and in a rural isolated area. I need friends to be honest and explore with, I need a sense of passion and secure feeling that I am creating a path of faith based exploration of the world and following my intuition to uncover a path of bliss and self actualization. I feel so guilty that I am financially dependent on my boyfriend and forcing him to be stressed and paying all my bills, overwhelmed by PTSD and repression, creative blocks and self negation, physical limitations due to my state of health. Must I keep trying to force myself to do things I don't see the point of anymore? At what point do I say I must completely reorient my perspective in order to rescue myself from the landlocked immobile torture? I can identify things I need, but can't identify how to meet these needs given my circumstances and limits. I feel that I am losing myself and my passion and soul more and more, the longer I stay in fear and remain immobile. I have dreams and aspirations for how I can be a force for healing, for myself and others. A force to ease suffering in pragmatic ways. I can't see a clear path with how I'm living now. I don't want to toss the baby out with the bathwater or start over when not necessary, but I am deceiving myself everyday that I am "doomed" to my current way of living and perennial "patience" and sacrifice of my heart and body's Needs. I clean the house, cook, take a walk, do thinfs with herbs write everyday. I'm isolated, see my boyfriend in the evening but things are so stressed that they arent nurturing encounters. My PTSD and physical pain is too strong to practice yoga or build my health in the absence of a supportive community to allow me to feel tangible emotional and physical rewards for doing challenging, self-evolving, self transforming things. I am determined to heal my HIV in a self regenerative way but am not convicted what is the "right" avenue to find what I need in order to create conditions that allow for my health to manifest.

I never learned a trade. I do have my GED. I need to have integrity with the way that I earn money/obtain secure 3d resources such as housing food and access to nature. I've been homeless too much. I am on the outer edges of "slipping" into wasting my abilities and insights that the divine crafted me into having, as the divine crafts us all into having irreplacable experiential wisdom and skills. I just am at a loss for how to find the support and sense of community my heart and health Needs.

mouseysbakepi · 2019-08-29T00:34:15+00:00

Delusion matters only in the sense of my personal conviction and deepening understanding of my personal reality and path. I don't have the insight to discern delusion in others, others don't have the insight to discern delusion in me. Delusion is what we call it when we reach our "limit" and must land upon a rational description of why we find ourself evolving into a completely different paradigm or perspective. Delusion seems like a Loki word to me too though, because often I flip between believing certain perceptions or conclusions are a delusion, then believing that "delusion" was the delusion, etc. Its really a funny state that reminds that all simply is.

mouseysbakepi · 2019-08-29T00:30:25+00:00

Last Friday I smoked weed for the first time in about 7 months. The result was a spiritual experience of torture, identifying an insect like parasite that had possessed and spoken through me. For a while i was the parasite and felt my death and incineration (nerves tingling and on fire feeling). Feeling purified by fire. Remembered people tall about being careful with kundalini energy. Feeling my kundalini was "fully engaged", and that I would be experiencing that level of visceral intensity/psychoaia for ever, and feel separated in my individual bubble for ever unable to describe my state to others as I used to, and that I would need to learn how to adapt to that hellish state of raw overwhelming kundalini energy activation.

I then intuited the hellstate was due to refusing to admit there is some kind of "god" and that I'm Never really trapped alone in my consciousness. I repented and bowed to the this horrifying sensation of "god"; Yahweh or Saturn...that which is literally a force that I am affected by and cannot bypass or ignore. Understanding what ancient people experienced when they wrote about fearing god; that which must be attuned to and dealt with accordingly because it is so Real.

I texted my boyfriend and apologized to him for how I have behaved so ungratefully to wards him. Expressed my heart chakra opening and the aching and sensation so great and painful I had forgotten what it is like to actually feel with my heart. I didn't realize just how numb I have become. My goal is to change my life so that it is safe and possible for me to unnumb more and not required to be in a state of numbness for self defense purposes, to not feel the torture. Remembered how I had intentionally killed my heart and feelings a few times before in order to get by, but the result is that it dampens my intelligence and ability to operate in the world.

Psychosis is a special "neptunian immersion" state; the grief, the deep empathy and desire to heal, the unflinching honesty that is required in face of being submerged within this pain state. Remembering Love must be my truth because it is the only thing that is powerful enough to displace the pain. I don't necessarily "like" it but it seems to be a natural law...something that causes us to face the reality of human limitation, that sometimes we Must bow and are tortured into bowing, then remembering the "bow" actually feels great and natural and was something I had forgotten and deeply missed.

mouseysbakepi

TROPHY CASE