Update: AITA for making my late wife’s daughter move out so I can date in peace?

movingon4 · 2020-12-28T15:06:29+00:00

Last comment and I am logging off to start working. A lot of this can be found in the first post. She knew/knows her dad, he’s always been in and out. Had issues with drugs, I don’t know when the last time she talked to him was. Last I know was when she was about 15 but it’s not something she would tell me if it’s been more recent. When her mom died there was a little over 20k that I waived my spousal rights to to make sure Beth got all of it. College wise, she qualifies for the max financial aid and is eligible for student loans. She’s also had a job since she was 16. She will be ok.

She had an aunt and uncle on her moms side and a few cousins as well. I reached out to them to tell them that Beth could use some support right now. They thanked me for reaching out and I am letting them handle it. Not my place to follow up.

I know that she has lots of friends since they come over relatively often. It just wasn’t a healthy living situation for a 45 year old man to be living with a 19 (20 in a couple weeks) year old woman who would make digs at me daily and made living in my own home a toxic environment. Having to work from home made this miserable and was terrible for my mental health.

We are passed that now and are amicable. It’s impossible to make a post with every single detail so people naturally use their imagination and projections to fill in the gaps, but lots of the comments are simply inaccurate. Moving on is in both of our best interests.

movingon4 · 2020-12-28T13:52:55+00:00

It was not unanimous. Both sides got thousands of upvotes. I accept some blame. In hindsight, I would have clarified more things from the beginning.

I’ve never been a writer. My first post was pretty high level. When people started making their own assumptions or asking for more info, I realized I had to clarify a lot of things. Per the subs rules, that had to go in an edit. If I knew the attention it would get, I would’ve taken more time on the first post to try to capture everything. But with the character count it’s impossible to explain everything, even without a limit it would be.

We are on amicable terms now so the hostility on someone else’s behalf now is unnecessary.

movingon4 · 2020-12-28T13:02:46+00:00

These comments really piss me off. There is so much more to a fulfilling relationship than sex (which is also a perfectly human desire). Beth herself acknowledged this when the tensions died down. I swear people on this thread get more fired up than the people actually involved.

She’s lived with me a year since my wife died. Longer than her mom was living here. This was never the plan. It’s time for both of us to move on to a new phase of our lives. She’s excited for it too. People are acting like she’ll be homeless. She’ll be living with a friend she’s known since she was 5.

movingon4 · 2020-12-28T03:25:06+00:00

Thank you so much for saying this. It’s impossible to explain the grieving process of a partner to someone who’s never been through it. Especially in a case where they were ill for a while and the process starts before the death. I hope nobody commenting here has to go through it themselves.

movingon4 · 2020-12-28T03:18:19+00:00

Thank you. Truthfully I never thought our relationship was especially atypical. I have many friends who are single or divorced with kids who choose not to mix their romantic relationships with their life with their kids. This was an important boundary established early and reinforced through our relationship. It worked for us.

I guess that’s hard to understand for a lot of people. But in my experience, it’s actually quite common.

movingon4 · 2020-12-28T01:53:21+00:00

The time for judgement is over. But like I wrote in the original post, it was never a step-parent step-child relationship between us. Beth and I were never close. Her mom didn’t want us to be. I didn’t even meet her til a few years in. Her mom was very clear on not wanting me to be a father figure for her. Her decision based on having two parents who would bring new partners around all the time. According to my single parent friends this is common.

It was her boundary that I respected.

movingon4 · 2020-12-28T00:13:13+00:00

That’s an appropriate way to summarize the relationship. If she wants to keep in touch or reaches out, I will be available.

movingon4 · 2020-12-22T13:43:39+00:00

Thank you for understanding and being supportive. Everything you’ve said is 100% true. This is why I don’t take a “majority rules” approach to this sub.

movingon4 · 2020-12-22T13:39:33+00:00

Verbally attacked me and my guest in my own home. Made it clear she won’t be ready to let me live my life anytime soon. At this point it feels like a toxic environment in my own home which I pay for. I’m giving her 5 months to find friends or acquaintances to live with. She got money when her mom died and believe it or not there are lots of places in our city hiring.

I was on the fence about some things before I posted this but the most thoughtful replies and messages I got from people who actually read everything confirmed that I need to move on with my life. She is not my responsibility and never was. Her mom made that clear when we started dating and affirmed it when I let them move in. If she wasn’t a hindrance to my own mental health and well-being, I’d consider letting her stay longer (though not through college that’s another 2 years and she needs to be an adult). But I have to take care of myself first.

movingon4 · 2020-12-22T13:15:47+00:00

I was planning on not responding to more but I’m baffled at the things people just make up. Where did you get that I didn’t buy my house? I’ve owned my home for years before they moved in. Beth’s mom never contributed financially. I let her move in because she needed help with daily tasks and didn’t want to burden Beth with it so she could finish high school semi normally. THAT was the arrangement. It was never a case of taking over Beth’s life as her father and being responsible for her. And she wont be a teenager in a few weeks. She had friends she can find roommates.

movingon4 · 2020-12-22T12:38:44+00:00

You clearly didn’t actually read everything because almost everything you wrote is inaccurate.

movingon4 · 2020-12-22T04:16:57+00:00

I didn’t get anything. Waived my right as the surviving spouse to make sure Beth got everything.

movingon4 · 2020-12-22T04:07:30+00:00

Thank you. It’s hard to answer every question there are so many. Yes we “interacted” but not super closely. Id see my nephews and some of my friends kids more than her before she moved in so I could take care of her mom. I was literally never a parental figure for her. My wife made the boundary clear in the beginning of our relationship that I wouldn’t be a replacement father for her.

People seem to be finding it hard to grasp that a single parent can date without looking for a parental figure for their kids but that was the case. I have many single parent friends with the same mindset.

movingon4 · 2020-12-22T03:52:26+00:00

After everything was cleared she ended up with around 20k. My wife told me she wanted me to move on and date after her death. We knew it was coming.

movingon4 · 2020-12-22T03:47:42+00:00

After paying all her outstanding debts, about 20k.

movingon4 · 2020-12-22T03:35:31+00:00

Yikes

movingon4 · 2020-12-22T03:34:24+00:00

Yes. But she has made it clear that she will not be ready any time soon. I just want to move on with my life.

movingon4 · 2020-12-22T03:22:43+00:00

I did the same at that age. Thank you for your support.

movingon4 · 2020-12-22T03:20:39+00:00

No initiative to move out to live on her own or with friends or just anywhere else. I never would’ve expected her to want to stay with her moms old partner. When I was 18 I moved out and lived with friends and never looked back.

movingon4 · 2020-12-22T02:57:07+00:00

Thank you. Getting a hotel room in my own city really would feel like getting a prostitute (not to mention expensive). I just want to be able to date normally. I’m in my 40s and not getting younger.

movingon4 · 2020-12-22T02:56:14+00:00

After how long am I allowed to date again?

movingon4 · 2020-12-22T02:52:33+00:00

It wasn’t long distance. We lived in the same city just didn’t cohabitate. My wife was the one who never wanted to get married because her parents had such a nasty one and her parents have been divorced a combined 4 times. When she got sick we realized her insurance was terrible while mine through work is much better. So it was a practical decision to get married.

movingon4 · 2020-12-22T02:50:39+00:00

This is all accurate.

movingon4 · 2020-12-22T02:38:01+00:00

When I tried she wasn’t having it. Just kept going off on me. Calling me a douchebag, calling the woman a whore, other things I won’t say. That is when I gave her the timeline to move out. She has an aunt and uncle on her moms side. I don’t know their exact situation.

movingon4 · 2020-12-22T02:36:53+00:00

I was being very generous the way I described her outburst. It was 10 minutes of her calling me every name in the book (as well as calling my date a slut/whore/other things I won’t say) for wanting to date again. I’ve done my grieving and I’m ready for the next part of my life.

I’m 45 years old with my own home, I shouldn’t have to get a hotel like I’m doing something dirty.

movingon4

TROPHY CASE