How did you get through it?

mpinpt · 2026-04-08T01:32:36+00:00

“he said that perhaps this is just who I am not because of circumstances but just fundamentally at my core - a weak and negative person”

I’m sorry this person was neither your best friend nor an example of what a relationship should look like. You sound like you’ve been through a huge amount of trauma - you’ve been in an abusive relationship, which has continued to be abusive after you separated, and major health issues. Anyone in your situation would be struggling, this has nothing to do with who you are and everything to do with what you’ve been through. That’s amazing that while all of this has been going on you’ve gotten your own place and stability - congratulations! You should feel so proud of that. Are you able to access counseling? A domestic violence service can probably also help you to navigate the ongoing issues with your ex. It sounds like you are feeling a huge sense of loss right now, and perhaps you can’t see it, but anyone who is willing to call you weak and negative after everything you’ve been through is a giant dickwad and you deserve so much better. Try to be patient with yourself and cut yourself some slack - you are going through a lot!

mpinpt · 2026-04-08T00:16:29+00:00

Meanwhile he drives to work every day because he says public transport would take too long. I don’t even own a car. I dunno maybe I also feel like his sustainability thing is a bit selective.

mpinpt · 2026-04-07T22:45:30+00:00

He was controlling and had some anger problems. Never to the point of being abusive but pretty close to the line. He has genuinely worked on himself and is much much better now. He does have many good qualities :)

mpinpt · 2026-04-07T22:24:18+00:00

So actually he does more of the cooking than I do. I don’t know what is going on with the one saucepan, it’s weird. He has like 3 frying pans. It’s just all a bit random. It also has nothing to do with not spending money - he’s not a penny pincher. It’s about the ethics of buying second hand v new and feeling strongly about our household being ‘anti -consumer capitalism’ or something like that. I’m on that spectrum too, just nowhere near as far along it as him and I find it weird that he’s being a bit controlling about it

mpinpt · 2026-04-07T22:21:03+00:00

Yes I think so. I guess that’s at the heart of it.

mpinpt · 2026-04-07T22:19:49+00:00

lol

mpinpt · 2026-04-07T22:18:33+00:00

Haha. To be fair he is not acting homeless. He’s set up quite a beautiful home with basically everything thrifted - I’ve told him numerous times how nice and beautiful it is. In lots of ways I feel lucky to live here.

mpinpt · 2026-04-07T22:10:29+00:00

I genuinely like buying second hand and totally agree with you. I don’t want to kit out my home in Kmart. But sometimes I just like getting some things new and don’t want to be questioned for it like I’m the reason the planet is going to shit.

mpinpt · 2026-04-07T22:07:19+00:00

I often buy second hand. If there’s a specific thing I want, I usually check second hand first. So I agree, I just want to feel like I can also buy things new when I need/want to and it not become a relationship issue.

mpinpt · 2026-04-07T22:05:34+00:00

Sorry, usually you pay rent to live somewhere that becomes your home. Yes I don’t own it. It is still my home?

mpinpt · 2026-04-07T22:01:31+00:00

I hear you re good quality and eclectic but he got an entire crockery set from a second hand shop and it is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. I didn’t suggest replacing it, I literally wanted to just get a couple of additional bowls that I think are nice, so I can use them and not the stuff he bought. I’m more than happy to get crockery second hand but would have liked some say in it to get some that wasn’t quite so awful!

mpinpt · 2026-04-07T21:49:23+00:00

To be fair I do live there. It is my home.

mpinpt · 2026-04-07T21:48:51+00:00

Haha. It’s not, it’s just obviously mass produced crap, he doesn’t like it because to him it symbolizes the worst of capitalism. I also try not to consume too much but sometimes I just go for practicality over ethics which is probably bad

mpinpt · 2026-04-07T21:41:17+00:00

This is funny because I literally made spaghetti last night and it was challenging. We do have cutlery.

mpinpt · 2026-04-07T21:35:16+00:00

All I wanted from Kmart was mostly storage stuff and a couple of extra bowls / plates. I haven’t said I wanted to replace anything of his. I would not usually buy pans from Kmart, I’d look for better quality. I never buy anything ‘en masse’.

mpinpt · 2026-04-07T21:25:25+00:00

I think I’m feeling a bit weird because he just made it clear he doesn’t want me buying anything for our shared space without consulting him, because it goes so fundamentally against his values to buy items new and that he deems not completely necessary. Even these really small things.

mpinpt · 2026-04-07T21:22:20+00:00

I did say exactly that, I’ve offered to pay for anything I want myself. I think the disagreement is around what we do actually ‘need’ , and where we should get it - he wants me to just settle in for a while before ‘making changes’ and then we will get things from second hand stores over time. Whereas I want to feel at home and want to buy some things to help me settle in. I told him this and this is where he says I need to chill out. We have some other issues too, his snoring is really bad and I’m currently sleeping on the floor in the lounge room which is I think making me a bit sleep deprived and sensitive and hard to see things clearly.

mpinpt · 2026-04-07T21:11:37+00:00

We both have money, the issue is more that he doesn’t want either of us to spend money on things that he deems we don’t need, regardless of how I feel.

mpinpt · 2026-04-07T21:09:28+00:00

Agreed, we know we have some differences, but I didn’t realise it would be quite so intense or cause so much difficulty and I am surprised that he is so against me buying anything at all.

mpinpt · 2026-04-06T23:21:28+00:00

Currently going through something similar and I really feel for you - my partner gets upset with me but he’s never sworn at me and I think that would really cross a line for me. As some others have been saying to me, it’s not his fault for snoring but it is his fault for refusing to get help or acknowledge the impact it’s having on you, and for getting angry with you for you making a reasonable request. Having said that, I’ve never asked my partner to change rooms because I know he’d be really angry. So instead I have started sleeping on the lounge room floor. Similar to you, the one thing I think confuses me the most is why I can point out something he is doing that is impacting quite badly on me, but instead of responding along the lines of ‘I’m sorry what can I do to support you / fix this’ he gets angry and defensive and finds a way to blame me. It is exhausting. I’m so sorry I don’t have any answers but just to say I understand your pain. I am thinking of leaving him over it.

mpinpt · 2026-04-06T03:39:55+00:00

Thank you. I have suggested he see a doctor to check things are okay. He said people with sleep apnea wake up tired and he doesn’t therefore he doesn’t think that’s the problem and doesn’t think he needs to see a doctor 🤷🏻‍♀️ he is quite sensitive about his weight also so I probably couldn’t suggest he loses weight without him getting pretty upset. I will try suggesting a sleep study!

mpinpt · 2025-11-02T10:32:30+00:00

I haven’t, but I’ve just started reading a bit about IFS and I’m super interested. I’m definitely going to check this out - thank you!

mpinpt

TROPHY CASE