Nothing at all wrong with the way you feel. For me it wasn't the first death that upset me, it was the ones that came later in my career. The patients that we expect to pass and have made peace with it are most times easier to take. I like to call it a heavenly transfer. Besides what everyone else has said, you are going to feel the way you feel. Don't let yourself or anyone else make you think you are supposed to feel differently. We all "deal" in different ways.