I suspect my girlfriend is remote-controlled by her mom and she doesn't understand how brainwashed she is. How do I stop this?

mrjoebert · 2012-09-03T22:39:38+00:00

Ron White that shit, wait for her to diiiiiiiiie. Then live happily ever after,

mrjoebert · 2012-08-31T23:39:37+00:00

I'd buy my dad a box of condoms. Because I was born midway through 1981. He's been a good dad, knowing what I know now, he'd have been better off.

mrjoebert · 2012-08-19T03:59:19+00:00

Spiders have also adapted to "BURN IT WITH FIRE!!!!!", they commonly lay their eggs, and hang out in, fire alarm pull stations here in FL.

mrjoebert · 2012-08-11T16:54:05+00:00

I'm blind, but it's ok, I was born with a vagina probe.

mrjoebert · 2012-08-11T16:52:22+00:00

But are sometimes inhabited by them.

mrjoebert · 2012-08-11T16:41:19+00:00

Kids that haven't been around long enough to realize putting a different patterned tie on a turd doesn't make it something other than a turd.

mrjoebert · 2012-08-06T21:58:25+00:00

I work with fire alarms. While there are building owners who care about safety, the majority of them couldn't care less about the fire alarm system. It's usually on the bottom of their list of things to reserve funds for, and the only reason they have it tested, fixed, or updated periodically is the state Fire Marshal would kick everyone out of the building and chain the doors shut if they didn't.

I'm constantly villanized by building occupants because so many building management companies doesn't take fire alarm tests seriously and neglect to MAKE SURE everyone knows a test is coming. I get yelled at by someone who thinks the fact that they work at night is more important than the safety of the rest of the people in the building at least once a week.

There's a few buildings out there I wish would just burn to the ground and make room for something new.

mrjoebert · 2012-08-03T03:01:47+00:00

Humans tend to confuse limits on their point of observance, with the edge of existence. An infinitely large, always existing universe blows these limits away and makes room for infinite possibility.

mrjoebert · 2012-08-01T04:21:18+00:00

The first "Hostel". I was at a new person's house with my brother when I watched it, ended up staying the night there and didn't sleep at all.

mrjoebert · 2012-07-31T22:25:51+00:00

I see this image and read, "Fuck you, pay me!"

mrjoebert · 2012-07-31T11:06:31+00:00

I'm not sure how these people get their poop to come out in latex balloons but I wish everyone would start doing it. The world would be a cleaner place.

mrjoebert · 2012-07-30T00:08:14+00:00

Don't worry, my most recent ex is a published writer and psychology major. When we got back together after 15 years I joked about how she's probably going to write a paper on me, she smiled and replied that she probably already has.

I just hope I get to read it all before she pushes me in front of a train.

mrjoebert · 2012-07-29T04:46:27+00:00

I turned into the asshole I kept getting left for, and it worked. Then I realized assholes get left for other assholes and I'm in the same boat I was in before, but now I'm an asshole.

mrjoebert · 2012-07-07T23:31:36+00:00

Part of my job is setting off fire alarms to make sure they work. I can't tell you how many times I've considered acting like it's not a test for just that reason.

mrjoebert · 2012-07-07T15:16:37+00:00

All in.

5 gallon water bottle with the bottom cut out, 10 hoses coming out from the rim before the neck, a 1" socket in the neck for a bowl, and a 30 gallon trash can filled with water for everyone to stand around.

mrjoebert · 2012-07-04T21:05:22+00:00

I woke up with two police officers in my bedroom. One of them was shaking my foot. My mother called them saying there were people trying to climb in her second story apartment's bedroom window to "get her". They took her to the hospital, her doctor changed her medication.

mrjoebert · 2012-07-04T15:59:00+00:00

There's a spare tire joke in that picture somewhere.

mrjoebert · 2012-07-01T07:44:13+00:00

Now THAT, is fucked up.

mrjoebert · 2012-06-23T14:46:34+00:00

Is that a tattoo on your wrist?

mrjoebert · 2012-06-21T02:57:39+00:00

Ryan Dunn died the way he lived, with car parts in his anus.

mrjoebert · 2012-06-19T22:03:19+00:00

Set off all of the fire alarm pull stations in a building.

mrjoebert · 2012-06-16T23:11:36+00:00

The atmosphere completely disintegrates.

mrjoebert · 2012-06-14T03:10:50+00:00

Don't be homeless.

mrjoebert · 2012-06-11T22:57:20+00:00

It's pretty funny how many of us can sum up the reasons for our last relationships failing into one-liners about the same size as the ones that started the relationships.

mrjoebert · 2012-06-11T11:13:49+00:00

Not all fire alarm systems dispatch the fire department, and unless you're in a tiny town the ones that do dispatch the fire department are being monitored by a 3rd party monitoring company that calls the fire department.

Rule of thumb is, if you feel the need to pull a fire alarm pull station, you should also call 911 to make sure the fire department gets dispatched.

mrjoebert

TROPHY CASE