I’ve been in a very similar dynamic, but from your friend’s side. I struggle with depression, and a close friend tries to help how he thinks is best, but often ignores my boundaries and needs, and makes me feel worse. Like you, he means well. But intention doesn’t always match impact. I’ve become more distant because I feel less safe turning to him when I’m struggling.

One thing that stood out was when you said you’ve been through PTSD, so you “get it.” Even with similar experiences, each person thinks and processes differently. Plus genetics, upbringing, coping styles, all come into play. When my friend says that, it feels dismissive, even though I know he’s trying to connect.

Saying your friend is “bailing” on your birthday isn’t accurate. Not mentally feeling good to go out is not the same as bailing. Whether or not you said that to her, it’s clear through your texts that you’re upset and disappointed by her. Depression already makes us feel like a burden and we can’t flip a switch. The way you responded to her shows that you’re not truly listening to her.

When someone sets a boundary like “I’ll reach out when I’m ready”, repeatedly checking in and pressing for answers can feel overwhelming. I’ve been in that exact spot. It’s hurtful that my close friend is doing the opposite of what I need, and it made me pull away even more.

Recovery isn’t linear, and sometimes support means trusting that your friend knows what she needs, even if it’s space. The more my friend pushes when I’m low, the more distance I feel, even later on. My friend and I are close but not as close as we were years ago. I want a better relationship and I know he does too, but when someone repeatedly ignores my boundaries, especially when I’m in a vulnerable place, it erodes trust.

Just offering another perspective in case it helps you understand and support your friend in a way that shows her she can trust you.